


There's Nothing That I Wouldn't Do (I Found My Way Back To You)

by SuperMARVELous



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: 5 Times, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Stiles Stilinski, Blow Jobs, Canon Related, Coming Out, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Gay Derek, Hurt Stiles, Hurt/Comfort, Internal homophobia, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Male-Female Friendship, Mutual Pining, Sexuality Crisis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-24
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-08-10 19:15:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 51,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7857742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperMARVELous/pseuds/SuperMARVELous
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four times Derek and Stiles pass each other by and the one time they find their way back to each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Time

**Author's Note:**

> The one where Stiles figures out his sexuality and looks at everyone except Derek.

_So you think you're gay._

Those were never words Stiles thought he'd see on a pamphlet. He never thought he'd be given a pamphlet at all for something like this. Especially from his know-it-all therapist.

But really, he's not surprised. It's not like his therapist was helping him in the right departments. His love life, or lack thereof, was probably the only thing about Stiles that he could decipher. This was all most likely because no matter what he did, Stiles wasn't getting away from the nightmares any time soon.

After the alpha pack and after he'd told his dad everything that was going on, he got trapped into going to therapy. Stiles tried to get Melissa to talk his dad out of it but she was actually an encouraging factor in the decision.

So, therapy wasn't exactly helping like they hoped. Stiles couldn't talk about the things he got around to doing when the sun went down but whatever he could say, would have to work. And apparently he said something to clue Dr. Valeck into thinking he had issues elsewhere.

He takes the pamphlet out of the doctor's hands because the guy's been patiently waiting for him to do so for the past five minutes. Dr. Valeck starts talking again, trying to get Stiles to open up but Stiles tunes him out quickly.

He keeps his gaze on the paper, shaking in his grasp. He doesn't know what to think. He certainly doesn't know what to feel. Out of everything though, he really doesn't know what to say. When he glances up to the clock on the left wall of the room, he realizes their time together is up.

He just about sprints out of the room after he's dismissed, but not without a, "See you at our next session in seven days," called at his back. The pamphlet is still tightly gripped in his right hand and his backpack is over his left shoulder with his left hand clutching it tightly to his chest.

He makes it out of the clinic, still alive and thankfully still breathing. His dad is waiting by the cruiser. He's leaning against the passenger side door like he's been there the whole time. They'd agreed that when Stiles had a session, his dad would take him and bring him back home. Just in case of an emergency.

Stiles knew his dad normally stuck around the whole time. He'd usually even come out of the doctor's office and his dad would be in the waiting room. Lately, his dad had given him a little space. He would take the cruiser and go get a coffee or something. It still felt like he was wasting his time looking after Stiles, who was now a senior and nearly eighteen.

"How'd it go today, buddy?" His dad asks, pushing himself up to meet Stiles and to also let him get in the passenger side door. He clapped his son on the back and rested his hand there for an unnecessary amount of time. He looked more worried than usual; that was something Stiles hated seeing on his father's face. Worry.

"The usual," Stiles responds with a shrug. He wasn't going to talk about what he was given. He wasn't even sure what he would tell his dad. He didn't know what was going on with himself yet.

"How 'bout we go grab some grub at that old diner your mother and I used to take you to years back?" His father asks, patting Stiles' shoulder before letting go to head to the driver's side of the vehicle.

"That sounds great but a salad sounds even better," Stiles offhandedly suggests. He'd always watch out for his dad's health. If he had to make sacrifices, then so did his father.

"You're killing me kid," his father says, shaking his head with a small smirk on his face.

"I'm actually trying to save your life," Stiles tells him. He gets the whole irony of it. He just doesn't think it's very funny right now. There's too much on his mind. His dad sees that, even though he's trying so hard to act natural.

"A night in then?" His dad asks, climbing into his cruiser the same time Stiles did. He turns the engine on and shifts the gear into drive before Stiles can silently nod in agreement.

 

* * *

 

Stiles is up all night trying to figure himself out. He doesn't know where to start but he figures the internet is probably the best place. So he types multiple searches into Google and researches about his _condition_. He'll call it that for now.

It's one in the morning before he even realizes it and it's a school night. He continues to Google anyway, not sure if he's really getting anywhere. He's tired and frustrated. He doesn't know how he ends up chugging a bottle of Five Hour Energy but he stays up for a few more hours.

He falls asleep in his desk chair at four in the morning. He's woken up to someone grabbing on to his shoulder and he falls out of the chair. He's annoyed and agitated when he looks up and sees Derek rather than Scott or his dad.

"What do you want?" He pouts. He's not exactly thrilled to be woken up out of a restless sleep.

"I texted you last night. I wanted to make sure you were alright," Derek says, helping Stiles up from the floor.

"I'm fine," Stiles nods, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. He's still incredibly tired and would much rather go back to sleep than talk to Derek.

He sees Derek eyeing his desk and wonders what could be so fascinating when he sees that his computer screen is no longer blank from being on too long, but is now sporting the Wikipedia page for bisexuality. He also sees that the pamphlet from Dr. Valeck is resting right next to the monitor.

He silently curses and shuts his laptop and throws the pamphlet in the trash. It's useless anyway. He crumpled it up and squeezed it so many times that it was barely legible. But when he turns back around to face Derek, he is met with eyes of confusion and maybe even... _worry_.

"Stiles," Derek reaches out for him but he backs away. He doesn't need Derek to talk him down from this. He doesn't know what _this_ is.

"Don't," Stiles shakes his head forcefully. He's not going to listen to any crap Derek's about to spew at him.

"I know that something like this can be tough to talk about but sometimes it helps to be able to talk to someone about it," Derek encourages lightly. He knows he's treading on thin water and Stiles is doing everything he can to remain calm.

_"I'm not gay,"_

Those three little words. He knows why now. There had to be something that made Dr. Valeck think there was an ulterior explanation to what he was going through. Why he was so angry all the time. There had to be some other reason he felt like he was going to explode. But no. It wasn't this.

"I'm not saying you are," Derek says approaching Stiles like a wolf after his prey.

"You're assuming though. And I'm not," Stiles accuses him.

"I'm just saying, if you want to talk, I'm here," Derek shrugs, backing away while holding his hands up to Stiles in surrender.

God, the way Stiles was defending himself made it look like he had something to hide.But he didn't. That was the whole point of this conversation. Derek just needed to back off and everything would be okay. Now Stiles felt like he had something to prove.

"I'm totally into girls." Stiles scoffs. "Like Lydia. Do you remember that phase? That was long and tiring. I had a ten year plan. Ten years, Derek!"

"You don't have to prove anything to me Stiles. I believe you know who you are," Derek takes a seat on his bed. He wants more than anything for Derek to leave. He wants to yell at him to go. It's six in the freaking morning. He has school in an hour and he's arguing with a werewolf about whether he prefers dick or not.

"Can you just go?" Stiles asks. _It's too early for this_. It's unspoken but he thinks Derek gets it. He doesn't need this right now.

Derek nods silently and gets up to go out the window where Stiles is sure he came from. When he's gone, Stiles collapses back into his desk chair and puts his head in his hands. He doesn't understand what's going on with him. And he's not one hundred percent sure he wants to figure it out.

His dad comes knocking on his door when the clock at his bedside reads six thirty. He opens the door and takes a few steps inside. He's got two mugs of coffee in his hands and the purple mug is graciously accepted by Stiles.

"Everything okay in here?" His dad asks.

"Yeah," Stiles nods unconvincingly.

"I thought I heard talking in here earlier," his dad continues. He scratches at the back of his neck; that's something Stiles knows he inherited from his old man.

"Um, it was just Derek. He came by to check on me. I wasn't answering him last night. Had a lot on my mind," Stiles explains. His dad knows Derek now. He's around a lot more because he's pack. It's just something that's became normal to them. His dad doesn't mind it, or if he does, he doesn't mention.

"I've noticed. I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Did something happen at your session with Dr. Valeck yesterday?" His dad asks unsurely. This is a sensitive subject for both of them. Stiles doesn't normally talk about what he talks about in therapy.

"No, er... yes? I'm not sure yet. It may be progress," he ends on a hopeful note. His dad deserves peace and if fibbing just a little will help his old man relax, he'll do it.

They're also not likely to lie to each other anymore. Which is why this may be a little tough to get through. He tells his dad what he does in his free time now. Especially the stuff with the pack. Surprisingly he worries less knowing than not knowing. And they get into some pretty deep shit.

"Well, if you want to talk about it, just let me know. I may not be good at talking, but I'm a good listener," his dad offers. In that moment, he thinks it would be easier, telling him. But he doesn't know what there is to tell. He's just as confused as his dad would be.

"Thanks pops," Stiles gives him a genuine smile. He then tells him he better get ready for school. His dad lets him know he'll probably be off to the station before Stiles leaves. They dismiss each other with a tight Stilinski hug and go their separate ways.

Stiles gets a quick shower and throws on one of the multiple plaid button-ups he has over a t-shirt and calls it good. He grabs his back pack and shoves all the forgotten homework back inside. When he heads downstairs, he takes an apple from the bowl on the dining room table.

By the time he's out the door, he notices the cruiser is absent from it's parking spot. He pulls the keys to the jeep out of his khaki pocket and halls ass to school so he's not late. His first hour is with Harris and he's not about to get a detention with the crap morning he's had.

He gets to school and one of the only parking spots left is the farthest possible from the front doors. He sprints all the way to his locker and struggles getting the combination right. He's having a hard time starting his day out right.

It brightens a little when Scott shows up and pries his locker open for him. Stiles is incredibly grateful and says so out loud to Scott, which is when Scott realizes something's off with him.

"You okay man?" His best friend asks, putting a hand gently on his forearm. The gesture comes out so lightly that you'd never know that Scott could break an arm as much as he could do something like this.

"Derek came by this morning," Stiles says, like that's the complete problem.

"Did he say something?" Scott asks, concerned. He probably thinks there's a new baddie in town. Stiles wishes that were the case.

"Uh, no. He just came by to check on me. And then some," Stiles sighs and shuts his locker after grabbing his chemistry two book. Scott follows him because they have the class together.

"What does that mean?" Scott asks impatiently. He takes a seat next to Stiles so they can be lab partners. Stiles notices Allison walk in and is surprised to see Scott not follow after her. They must be off again.

"He just said a few things and I said a few things and now everything is uncomfortable," Stiles cryptically says and squints his eyes at how odd it ends up sounding.

"Anything I can do to help?"

"No. Just let it go. Things will get back to normal in a few days. I'm sure of it," Stiles shakes his head and shuts up when Mr. Harris walks in.

So the next few days, Stiles avoids Derek. He skips a pack meeting. He even goes out of his way to avoid Isaac who still lives with Derek. Derek seems to get the point and doesn't show up at his house unexpectedly.

He's had a hard couple days, since the confrontation with Derek. He's restlessly sleeping. Trying to figure out if there's something wrong with him. Why there has to be something wrong with him. He won't believe what he reads on the Internet. He just needs information.

Scott's on his back about his attitude as of late. He thinks that Stiles is acting moody and unnecessarily angry over simple questions. Stiles isn't very good at hiding how he really feels. He's just irritated that everyone thinks there has to be something wrong with him.

He knows he can't skip another pack meeting when it comes around. So he goes, for Scott's benefit. To show his alpha that he's fine. He waits till everyone else shows up before he heads into his best friend's house. He knows Derek and Isaac drove together in the Camaro. Jackson's Porsche is parked in Scott's drive way which obviously means he brought Lydia and with Lydia comes Allison.

He takes a hesitant step out of the jeep and looks around Scott's neighborhood. He wonders what other people think when there's a group of cars parked at the McCall's weekly. He can't convince himself to make his way across the street.

There should be more cars here. Erica and Boyd should be here. Hell, even the twins should be there after the whole alpha pack debacle. Aiden and Lydia had been a thing before Jackson came back. And Danny was sort of in on everything since he and Ethan started dating. It just seemed like they'd lost a lot of people. Stiles didn't want to lose more.

He finally gets the courage to walk to Scott's door. He doesn't even have to knock. Scott opens the door, knowingly. Stiles guessed they would have all been able to sense that he'd made it to Scott's house a while ago.

"You okay?" Scott whispers, not letting Stiles escape to the living room with the rest of the pack.

"I wish you'd stop asking that," Stiles sighs, trying to walk past Scott. Scott's hand was on his chest and pushing him back in seconds.

"Why didn't you come in?" Scott asks, "You've been out there for a while."

"I uh... had some stuff on my mind. I needed to work it out before I came in," Stiles lies terribly. He knows Scott hears the skip in his heartbeat. But because they're best friends, Scott lets it go.

Stiles walks into the living room. Away from Scott, the guy who's trying to help him out. The pack is all awkwardly looking at him when he greets them all. Scott comes up behind him and claps a hand on his shoulder.

"Now that the pack's all here, we have some things to discuss," Scott says. He stands there patiently till everyone's gazes go from Stiles to him. Scott tries so hard to make it seem like they're more interested in updates than Stiles.

Scott tells them that he's had a weird feeling lately and that usually means the scale is tipping and something's coming their way. Stiles is sick of all the supernatural shit the Nemeton is attracting. Since the alpha pack, they've dealt with very few other ass-backward villains.

Scott continues to tell everyone to be on alert. But after he starts talking about safety precautions, Stiles tunes him out. He looks at family portraits around the McCall household to seem like he's just looking around. But then his gaze halts on Derek.

Derek, whom he hasn't seen or talked to in almost a week. He doesn't even seem to care that Stiles is in the room, even after he'd acted so concerned. Derek's attention is totally focused on Scott and that must be his alpha instinct kicking in, making sure the new alpha is doing things right.

Stiles suddenly wonders what brought Derek back to Beacon Hills. After he'd lost his alpha status to saving Cora, they'd left without a goodbye. Well, Derek did tell Scott that they were leaving for a while, but not Stiles. Stiles still holds that against him a little.

Stiles hadn't really asked Derek much about his time away. But it became months and Derek hadn't even sent a text that he was okay. One day, when they were losing a battle against one of the creatures, Derek came barreling in with Cora and Jackson to save the day. He's still unsure how he knew to come back then. And he hasn't left since.

Scott is drawling on about some Argent matters he'd discussed with Allison and Chris. Stiles is completely bored and doesn't want to be there any longer. Especially when he makes eye contact with Derek. He uses his phone as a distraction.

He has five texts from his dad about how he's going to be late for his therapy session. He'd completely forgotten about it. He tried not to miss those because it made his dad happy. He needed to leave as quickly as possible. Dr. Valeck normally passed a person by if they were even five minutes late.

"I have to go," Stiles says quickly.

"Stiles, this is kind of important," Scott narrows his eyebrows together. He's had that confused look on his face for a few days now, whenever he looks at Stiles.

"It's my dad," Stiles explains.

"Oh. Go ahead then. We'll catch you up on everything," Scott says. The whole pack is confused. Stiles usually told them if there was something going on with he and his dad since his dad had found out about the supernatural universe.

Stiles slips away without another word. Intent on getting out of there with his head screwed on right. He doesn't want things to get complicated between him and the pack, but it seems like that's the way things are headed. Especially if he starts keeping secrets from all of them.

 

* * *

 

He gets out of his therapy session five minutes early because honestly, he couldn't handle another minute with the doctor. He'd come to the conclusion that the things keeping him up at night definitely weren't about his sexuality. And Dr. Valeck had no say in what he thought of him in that way.

He walks out of the clinic, expecting to see his dad but is greeted with a not as friendly face. Derek's leaning against his Camaro like he's just there casually without an agenda. Stiles panics when his feet make him approach the older man. He wants to know where his dad is and how he could leave him to face someone he's been trying to run away from.

And his whole cover has been blown because he hadn't exactly told anyone that he'd been coming here. Or that he has a session once a week. Getting out of pack related things would be a hell of alot easier if they all did know. Stiles was trying his best to hide it from them. He's surprised that since his weekly psycho analysis' started up that this is the first time someone's dared to find out what he was up to.

"Did you follow me?" Stiles asks, shoving his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. He wants to look anywhere but at Derek, but he ends up glaring anyway.

"At least I'm not Scott," Derek shrugs. Stiles has to admit, if Scott showed up, he wouldn't know how to tell him the truth. Derek was just a guy. A guy whom he didn't know how he felt about yet. He wasn't sure if he could be trusted, especially since he left. There was that grudge coming back. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Stiles knows he's referring to the pack. He doesn't have a good answer for that either. But Derek's got this look on his face like he's been betrayed. Stiles didn't want to tell anyone about this because he didn't know what they would think. He knows he's not crazy and he knows he's not an entirely weak person, but their opinions of him can vary.

"I'm just doing this to make my dad happy," Stiles admits. He's not going to tell Derek that maybe he is doing it for himself, even if it is just a little bit. He thinks that maybe he's starting to figure out how to allow people to help him. "He's not worrying about me too much these days."

"Should _we_ be worried about you?" Derek asks one of the questions he wishes he could avoid. And leave it to the ex-alpha to try and give him some therapy of his own. Stiles would like to leave all the serious stuff in the building that's now behind him.

"Where's my dad?" He asks instead. He knows Derek's not going to like the way he changes the subject but he's not ready to talk about these things. He just spilled his guts merely ten minutes ago.

"He had to run to the station. I told him I could give you a ride back. He doesn't know that we don't know, does he?" Derek explains and of course, has to ask more hard hitting questions. If only Stiles could just run away from him. But like Derek said, he's his ride home.

"I may have deceived him a little," he nods and walks past Derek. He doesn't think he can hold up a conversation any longer. Derek's going to figure out the truth if he keeps prying at his strings.

"Stiles would you just stop and talk to me? It feels like you've been avoiding me the past couple days," Derek huffs, turning to face Stiles. Stiles wants to get angry all of a sudden, because yes! That was what he was doing the whole week. He needed time away from his shrink outside of his actual shrink.

"That was intentional," Stiles scoffs and looks at Derek, clearly agitated. He wants Derek to take him home and then leave him alone. That doesn't seem like a likely possibility at the moment.

"I said you could talk to me-"

"I don't want to talk to you Derek!" Stiles exclaims. He opens the door to Derek's car and gets inside. He knows he's ended the conversation and he's a little relieved. Derek won't ask questions or try and talk to him on the way home.

However, when they do get to Stiles' house, Derek doesn't let him get out of the car without a fight. Which is why Stiles practically falls out of his Camaro and heads for the front door. He's made it by the time it's taken Derek to get out of the car. Then, he realizes that his dad has the keys to the house. His dad was the ticket to salvation and now all of that is lost.

"Stiles," Derek says that one syllable - his own name - and it gets on his nerves. It's not his name itself, it's the way he says it. He takes a step back and sits on the steps to his front porch, head in his hands. He's already plotting how to get out of this conversation. He's got nothing.

"What do you want me to say Derek?" He sighs and looks up at this man who's implanted himself so deeply in his life.

"I don't want you to say anything. Not if you don't want to," Derek states plainly. He hates how cryptic the Hales can be. He'd once asked Peter if he wanted a water at a pack meeting and he'd gone off on this whole spiel about how water would be scarce one day.

"Then what do you want from me?" Stiles asks desperately. Through all the choices and mistakes Stiles had made in his past, becoming so vulnerable was probably the worst one. He may not know Derek's purpose right now, but before things got heavy, he did actually trust him.

"I want you to listen to me for once," Derek shrugs and takes a seat next to Stiles. It's clear neither of them are getting into the house any time soon without the sheriff getting involved from a breaking-and-entering in his own home. The sheriff would want Stiles to face his problems head on anyway.

"Okay, what kind of story do you have for me, Sourwolf?" Stiles says the nickname but it feels so foreign on his tongue. It was a good, solid joke in the past but now it felt weak. Did he deserve to be so friendly with Derek? After all they'd been through, even after Derek left, maybe they could use a little normalcy.

"Did I ever tell you what it was like in New York after I'd lost all my family?" Derek asks and Stiles shakes his head. He can't remember a time Derek ever really opened up to him, "I thought I was broken. Like I had some sign over my head that alerted people that I was up for being used. It made me think that, maybe ever since I lost Paige, that sign told anyone I came across that I was available for torture. And then Kate came along and it just sealed the deal."

"What does this have to do with me?"

"I was lost for a while Stiles. If I couldn't make it work once or twice with a woman, then what was there left? So I did the only thing I thought was worth trying," Derek tells him and it seems like he's trying to relate this to Stiles somehow.

"You think I'm lost," Stiles scoffs and shakes his head. He can't believe this. Was Derek really trying to make him talk about his sexuality. They tried that once. It didn't work out too well for either of them.

"The point is Stiles, I did a lot of things I'm not proud of. Things you probably aren't ready to hear right now. But I just wanted you to know that so it doesn't happen to you. You're a good person, Stiles. Don't lose all of yourself trying to hide one part of who you are," Derek acts like what he's said is some cure all for Stiles' problem. Stiles doesn't want to see whatever he's going through as a problem anymore.

"Why are you so adamant on me being gay?" Stiles asks. Derek looks at him like he's missed the whole point of what he's said. Derek reaches out to put his hand on Stiles' knee but Stiles stumbles off the steps and into his front yard.

Is Derek coming on to him? Is this what everything Derek's assuming is about? After what he'd said about Paige and Kate, it was like he'd changed his mind on what team he played for. But he had that whole thing with Jennifer too. Was Derek trying to come out to him?

"This is nuts," Stiles tells him.

"If you'd just listen Stiles-"

"I think you should go," Stiles tells him, turning around so he doesn't have to face him.

"I don't want to leave you out here alone. It's getting dark," Derek refuses.

"I'll be fine. Just leave Derek!" Stiles raises his voice when he turns to Derek. It's clear that Stiles doesn't want him around anymore. When Derek gets up to leave, Stiles starts to feel guilty about the way he's treating the guy.

But he lets him go anyway.

 

* * *

 

The next few weeks, rather than Stiles avoiding Derek, it's like Derek's avoiding him. For a while Derek skips every pack meeting that Scott calls. He doesn't like having this feeling that it's all because of him. Stiles never meant to intentionally hurt Derek, or be homophobic of all things. He just hasn't been in his right mind since that therapy session. The one that practically changed everything.

He gets the courage after a pack meeting to talk to Scott about Derek. He just tries to innocently ask his best friend why the ex-alpha hasn't shown up in a while. His curiosity gets the better of him and when he does ask, he uses a little more force than necessary. Scott looks at him like he suspects something, but doesn't mention it.

Derek hasn't been showing up because of some family issues. Scott says that he took a trip down to South America to check up on Cora. Now that Stiles thinks about it, he hasn't even seen Derek since they last talked. Him being in another country kind of explains everything. All this time, Stiles thought it was just Derek giving him some space. He doesn't know why but he's a little disappointed by the truth.

At school when he walks with Lydia to one of their AP classes, he's not paying attention and stumbles into someone. He's in such a rush that when he finally takes a moment to look up and apologize to the person, he freezes. He's never met the guy before but when he looks into his eyes all he sees is Derek. After picking all his stuff off the ground, the guy lends a hand and helps him up.

He apologizes repeatedly for being such a klutz. The guy just smiles and waves him off. Stiles thinks he's probably younger by the innocent look in his eyes. The moment that he thought the guy resembled Derek, passes. Stiles is just left there, staring at some guy he doesn't know for some unknown reason. He doesn't understand what's keeping him in his place, why this guy suddenly has his full attention.

That moment passes too when the dark haired guy dismisses himself. He looks over his shoulder as he walks away and smiles. Stiles thinks he hears him say something about hoping to see each other around sometime. The real kicker is when Stiles smiles back and agrees. He turns around to go to his class when he realizes Lydia caught the whole encounter.

"What was that?" She asks.

"What was what?" Stiles says, looking behind him.

"He was totally flirting with you!" She exclaims and grabbed Stiles' hands, "and you let him!"

"I did not!" Stiles shakes his head quickly and wrenches his hands out of her's.

"Stiles are you-"

"Don't," Stiles shakes his head, interrupting her before she can say anything else. If they're going to have this talk, he'd like it to be somewhere more private.

So after convincing Lydia to ditch class, they head to the jeep and just sit in the parking lot. Stiles doesn't talk for the first ten minutes they're in there. He doesn't know how to explain to Lydia, the beautiful girl he's had a crush on for years, that something is going on with him. How does he tell this lovely and very intelligent woman that he's going through something that he knows nothing about.

"Stiles, this is a safe place to talk. I'm not going to go run my mouth to anyone, if that's what you're worried about," Lydia says, placing a delicate hand on Stiles' arm.

He takes a deep breath and finally looks at her, "For the past couple of weeks I've been trying to figure some things out. My therapist told me that he suspects I'm repressing some part of myself. I've just been trying to figure out what that is."

"So what is it that he suspects is _wrong_ with you?" She asks softly. She's got this intensity in her eyes that says she wants to help and that she cares about his struggles.

"He thinks I'm gay," Stiles eventually sighs out. Lydia continues to look at him like she believes there's more to it than that.

"And?" She asks.

"And nothing," Stiles shrugs, "That's it."

"Would that be such a bad thing?" She asks gently, batting her eyelashes at him, "To be gay?"

"No," Stiles says quickly, "But I'm not. I have feelings for girls. I always have. You should know that better than anyone."

"That doesn't mean you can't be interested in anyone else," She tells him.

"You know, maybe this is just my mind playing tricks on me. Maybe I'm just frustrated with all this supernatural stuff and I have some pent up emotions from it," He explains to her. He doesn't want to consider that she may have a point.

"Why are you so against the idea?" She asks out of curiosity.

"I'm not against-" He pauses and sighs, "I guess I'm just nervous about the way people would look at me. I don't want to be more different than I already am."

"But that guy in the hallway today, you can't tell me that you didn't find him attractive," She says calmly, taking in all the new information bit by bit.

"Obviously," Stiles scoffs, "But so is Danny, and Jackson, Scott even, in a dorky adorable way. That doesn't change anything."

"You just said my boyfriend was attractive, Stiles," She chuckles, "It means something."

"But so are you!" Stiles argues and tries to hide his blush.

Lydia smiles because Stiles is such an awkward person. It would be so simple to put this behind them but she doesn't fancy not helping people. If she can convince Stiles to figure things out, she can make him happy. She likes Stiles, he's a good guy, even if they never were in the same social circles.

"Listen Stiles, I'm being Danny's wing-woman at Jungle this Friday night since he and Ethan called it quits. You should come with us," She suggests.

"No," Stiles laughs, "Absolutely not."

"Come on, it'll be fun!" She smiles widely.

"I'll think about it," He sighs.

"Great! I'll pick you up at 8:30," She definitely won't take no for an answer.

"Fine," Stiles nods. He suddenly doesn't know if he's dreading it or not.

 

* * *

 

It's Friday night and Stiles is pacing in his room. He shuffles through his closet for something to wear and finds nothing appealing for a gay club. Even if he isn't gay, he doesn't want to be judged by all the homosexuals in the bar. He's not even sure how Lydia is getting him in since he doesn't have a fake ID, especially because his dad is the sheriff.

Lydia's half an hour early when he answers the door. She takes one look at the clothes he's thrown on and pushes him back to his bedroom. He looks down at himself as he picks at his black t-shirt and plaid button-up. It's his normal everyday wear but he's got nothing else he feels will suffice. When he joins her in his room, she is scouring his closet and his dressers. She's on a mission to make him look good and it's a little terrifying.

"Here," She says, handing him a small white v-neck and some dark blue skinny jeans.

"Lydia, this shirt is from like eighth grade," Stiles says, holding it up.

"Exactly," She nods, "Put it on."

She makes him strip in front of her and it's a little awkward. The shirt is skin tight and when he slides into the jeans, they're no better. He suddenly wonders if he'll be able to walk but realizes they're a little more loose than he expected. He just hopes that at some point during the night, something doesn't rip.

"You look hot," She smiles, crossing her arms like her work is done.

She reaches up and gives his hair a gentle toss. He hates when people mess with his hair. It takes forever to get it to look nice. Times like these, he misses his buzz cut because there was no hassle with that. But his buzz cut did make him look five years younger and that was something he did not need tonight.

"Why did you do that?" Stiles shrieks as he reaches for his hair.

"Guys love sex hair, plus it makes you look like you aren't trying too hard," She shrugs.

"I'm not sure if I want to try at all," Stiles points out.

"Trust me, you wouldn't be coming if you weren't," She smiles knowingly.

So Lydia drives them to Danny's who they pick up and he doesn't mention it but is curious as to why Stiles is with them. Stiles suspects Lydia didn't tell Danny anything which is really nice of her but that means he's going to have to explain to Danny what's wrong with him. He talks a lot but that doesn't make him necessarily good at it.

Lydia hands him a fake idea when they get to the line at Jungle. He doesn't know where she got a picture of him but everything looks pretty realistic to him besides the birth date. It says he's twenty two and he just hopes that he can get by as that.

When they get to the bouncer the guy barely looks at their ID's and winks at Danny as they walk inside. Of course Danny would have some kind of secret connection with the staff here. Is it that way for all gay people? Stiles thinks he has a lot to learn but taking it one step at a time is a good idea for now.

Once they get inside, Danny goes to get drinks while Lydia helps them find a seat. Most of the guys around are very polite to her and don't even look at her boobs. She's wearing a pretty revealing dress and it's odd how Stiles didn't even notice before that very moment. Maybe it's just the fact that they're such good friends.

Danny comes back with three fruity looking drinks. Stiles extent of alcohol goes from beer to vodka and that's pretty much it. Regardless, he takes the drink he's offered and sips out of the straw. The umbrella is obnoxious but the drink isn't too bad. It's not all alcohol which is actually good because alcohol tends to make him overly anxious.

"So," Danny says, looking back and forth between him and Lydia. Stiles knows what Danny wants to ask, it's the only obvious thing to talk about.

"Stiles is experimenting," Lydia says for him.

"Really," Danny nods, grinning just a little bit, "And what made you come to this sudden revelation?"

"My therapist," He replies bluntly.

"Okay," Danny nods again, letting the information sink in, "Come on then, let's get you on the dance floor."

Though Stiles is hesitant, he lets Danny drag him out to dance. Lydia eventually comes to join them and it feels normal. He's just with his friends at a club, drinking good drinks, and dancing to music that his busting his eardrums. He has a good time and gets a lot more drunk than he intended to. Since it's his first experience, he turns down all the guys that approach him. He just doesn't feel ready to take that step yet.

The night dwindles eventually and they're at the club till it closes. He intended to be home before his dad got back from his shift but Danny offers him a place to stay. He texts his dad to let him know he's at Danny's place because his dad is aware that Danny is part of the pack now. So Lydia drops both of them off after she's assured by Danny that they can both make it into his house safely.

Danny is admittedly not as drunk as Stiles. His steps waver a little but if you looked from afar, he'd look like the sober friend. Stiles however has to lean on Danny for support as they make it up to his bedroom. Stiles opts for crashing on Danny's floor as soon as they make it to his room but Danny lays him on the bed.

Stiles uses all his focus to sit up so he can see what Danny is doing. Danny disappears for a few minutes but comes back with a glass of water and some Advil. Despite his lack of reality, he knows he'll have to take that in the morning with the massive headache he is going to have. He drinks the whole glass Danny gave him and proceeds to try and set it on Danny's bedside table.

He fails and the glass almost clatters to the floor but Danny catches it and sets it down. He laughs softly at the dazed look on Stiles' face, this then causes Stiles to laugh too. Danny backs away to remove his shirt and Stiles can't help but stare. He lifts up his shirt to poke at the pudge he has from slouching.

Danny laughs at him as he unbuttons his jeans and slides them off. For a moment, Stiles wonders if Danny normally sleeps nude but then he lets that thought drift away because it's a little too invasive. Danny then slips on some lacrosse shorts and Stiles doesn't think much about it after that.

Danny walks up to him and lifts his shirt up and Stiles doesn't even think about it. The shirt had been a little too tight and he was grateful to finally be able to breathe. Danny helps him out of his too tight jeans and offers him a pair of shorts. Stiles gladly accepts them but falls over when trying to put them on. Danny helps with those too.

Danny's hands are around his waist and they're only inches away from each other. Stiles doesn't know if it's because of the alcohol or because he finds Danny so attractive but he lets him get even closer. Stiles can't remember who took the first step but suddenly he's in a clumsy kiss with a guy way out of his league.

He feels the roughness of Danny's stubbly face and it's odd compared to the multiple times he's kissed females, though not unpleasant. Danny is gentle with him, not trying to go further than a few innocent kisses. He doesn't realize it but he brings his hands up to bring Danny's face closer to his and opens his mouth up a bit. Danny responds by swirling his tongue into his mouth.

Before he knows it, he's falling onto Danny's bed with a warm weight on top of him. Danny mouthes at his neck and Stiles lets himself get lost in the feeling of being touched with so much care. For a moment, he wants to believe that this is what the alcohol is doing to him, that the only reason he feels this way is because he isn't in his right mind. But he knows that despite the intoxication, he'd love making out with Danny just as much.

Danny's hand slides past the waist band of his shorts and he is suddenly shocked into sobriety. He pushes Danny away a little so he can sit up and take all of this in. He told himself that he was going to take this slow, figure things out before he got into anything too serious. He hadn't even thought to stop and think about how having sex with Danny would change everything for him.

"Stiles, are you okay?" Danny asks.

"I'm fine," Stiles nods, waving him off.

"Wait, was that your first kiss?" He asks.

"Uh, yeah," Stiles shrugs, "I'm still trying to figure this all out."

"I'm sorry for trying anything that you weren't comfortable with," Danny apologizes.

"No, it was good. I liked it," Stiles admits.

"You know Stiles, being gay isn't as bad as it may seem," Danny shrugs.

"I know. It's not that I don't want to be gay, it's just that I'm scared of what that could mean for me. I'm worried that the people I love won't accept me for who I am," Stiles sighs, "And I just want to take some time to figure this out. So please don't tell anyone."

"Take it from someone who's come out of the closet before, your secret's safe with me," Danny promises.

"And don't get me wrong, you're incredibly attractive and sex with you would probably be really good but I'm still a virgin," Stiles cringes, "I want the first time I have sex with someone to mean something to me."

"It's all good, Stiles," Danny smiles.

Conversation is minimal after that and eventually they both pass out. When Stiles wakes up in the morning, Danny is curled around him and he realizes he could definitely get used to being the little spoon.

 

* * *

 

Stiles ends up going to Jungle every Friday night with Danny. Occasionally Lydia joins them but most nights it's just the two of them. He eventually tells Lydia about what went down between them. She smiles and is happy that he was able to get some experience with someone he trusts. Honestly, he didn't realize it before but he does trust Danny.

So one night Danny is trying to teach him the ropes. Lydia has decided not to come because she doesn't want to be a bother when they're both trying to hook up with someone. Danny gets him out on the dance floor, nothing unusual about that, but after talking to him he disappears in the crowd.

Stiles tries not to look like a fish out of water but he doesn't exactly know what he's doing despite what Danny told him. Danny made it seem easy. You just go up to a guy and start dancing with them. But Stiles is awkward and doesn't know how to be sexy so he gets nervous and leaves the dance floor. Danny is still no where in sight and Stiles is a little relieved because he needed a minute to think.

"Hey," Someone says next to him. He looks up and is greeted with a familiar face. The guy he bumped into in the hallway at school a few weeks ago, "Stiles, right?"

"Yeah," he nods, suddenly realizing how attractive the guy really is.

"I'm Brian," He says, scooting a seat closer, "I don't know if you remember me but-"

"I bumped into you at school," Stiles blushes, embarrassed.

"Yeah," He laughs, "I was hoping I'd see you again."

"Me too, actually," Stiles nods.

"I haven't really seen you around here ever," He notes.

"I'm kind of new to this," Stiles shrugs.

"I never thought you were gay," Brian admits.

"I'm not actually," Stiles says, "I'm bisexual."

It's the first time Stiles has ever used that word but it feels right. He can't describe himself as particularly gay or straight because he isn't. He feels the same way about both genders and it's about time he feels okay with that. Even though he's telling a stranger, it feels good to finally say it to someone.

"Do you maybe want to get out of here?" Brian asks, hopefully.

"I'm not really into the whole one night stand thing," Stiles says, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I meant do you want to go to my car? We don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. I find you really attractive and your lips are-"

"Okay," Stiles nods, "I can do kissing."

Stiles spends the rest of the night with Brian. They don't go past first base which is the only thing Stiles is comfortable with at this point. He doesn't see Danny until the club closes and he needs a ride. Danny smirks at him and gives him a sly look like he knew exactly what Stiles was getting up to.

The next time Stiles goes, he grinds with someone on the dance floor. He doesn't ask for his name but they dance together the whole night. Stiles doesn't get as drunk as he did that first time because he wants to be able to experience some things sober. Danny is always there though, which he's grateful for. If things go south, Danny is his clean getaway.

Stiles makes out with a lot of different guys in a lot of different places. Once when he's a little more tipsy than usual, he lets the guy he's with feel him up a bit. He wonders what second base is defined as with two guys. He supposes that if the touch is below the belt, it's second base. So maybe he goes to second base with a guy or two. It's just for experience and he always turns them down before it gets any further.

One night, he goes to jungle alone because Danny can't make it. He's enjoy his time on the dance floor when he accidentally bumps into someone. When he turns around, he's shocked by who he sees. Derek Hale is standing in front of him with his eyes wider than normal. Even though the club music is super loud, it's like everything around them fades away.

"Derek," Stiles says softly. He hasn't seen him in about a month but he looks good.

"Stiles, what are you doing here?" He asks.

"Do you want to go talk somewhere with less noise?" Stiles asks, suddenly needing to be anywhere but at the club.

"We can go to the loft," Derek suggests.

"Yeah," Stiles agrees.

Stiles follows Derek's Camaro in his powder blue jeep all the way to his loft on the other side of town. When they eventually make it up to the top floor, they don't immediately get into talking. Derek offers him a drink and he asks for water. He's not drunk, barely even tipsy, but he'd like to be as sober as possible for this conversation. It's one he's been trying to avoid.

Derek comes back with a bottle of water and ushers to the couch so they can sit. Since everything passed with the Darach and the alpha pack, Derek has opted to furnish the loft a little more. It's a lot more homey than it had been and Stiles is content with that. The space looks lived in and he's happy with the progress that Derek is making.

"I've been going to Jungle for the past couple of weekends," Stiles finally tells Derek.

"So you figured it all out?" Derek asks.

"You mean the fact that I'm bisexual?" Stiles laughs softly, "Yeah. We're good there."

"That's good," Derek tells him softly.

"I haven't seen you in a while," Stiles mentions, "Was starting to wonder if you were coming back."

"I always come back," Derek nods, "Cora just wanted me to hang around for a while so she could show me her life so I wouldn't worry so much about her."

"I missed you," Stiles admits.

"I missed you, too," Derek smiles genuinely.

"I'm not out of the closet yet," Stiles tells him.

"I won't say anything," Derek promises, "I haven't exactly made my sexuality known either."

"Maybe we could help each other out with that," Stiles says, "We could share war stories, you know?"

"Okay," Derek chuckles.

"I want to spend time with you," Stiles admits, "I was an ass before I decided to get my shit together and figure things out." 

"It's okay. Denial always comes first," Derek shrugs, "I'm just glad I helped you see what you were missing."

 

* * *

 

After spending some time talking to Derek, Stiles finally decides to go on a date. He's had enough of the random make-out sessions with guys probably too old for him. He wants to figure out how he feels about dating people. Stiles hasn't been out with a girl in a long time but that's not something he's interested in at the moment.

Danny set him up with some guy that he said is interested in meeting him. He found out that Danny had been talking him up to people behind his back for this exact reason. Stiles was eventually going to want to settle down and be with someone. Well, Stiles actually really liked all the random make-out sessions every weekend at Jungle. Whenever he went to that club he didn't feel ashamed of who he was.

So he's got a date scheduled with this cute guy and Lydia helps him get dressed up. This time she makes him look a little fancier with a nice button-up shirt and some khakis. He even lets her mess his hair up again because guys actually do tend to like it, Stiles has learned.

His date with Mike - pretty average name - is somewhere outside of town. Though Stiles has ventured past just looking at men, he doesn't feel comfortable with everyone knowing about it. This is especially because he hasn't talked to his dad or the pack about it. Danny, Lydia, and Derek have been sworn to secrecy. And it doesn't hurt that Stiles is really discreet about it too.

He's so nervous that he doesn't mind that he's the first one to show up at the restaurant. He doesn't even mind when his date is ten minutes late. Or that every time he checks the time on his phone, it's five minutes later than before. By the time thirty minutes have gone by, Stiles realizes he's been stood up. For his first date, it's not exactly a good feeling. His ego is definitely bruised.

Rather than going home to get out of his uncomfortable clothes, he finds himself knocking on the door to the loft. He unbuttoned his shirt a few notches because he was starting to feel a little claustrophobic. Nothing seemed to be fitting as well as it had when he first left to meet his date. He was tired and slightly overwhelmed by the experience.

"Stiles," Derek greets with a scrunched look on his face. So Derek _hadn't_ forgotten he was supposed to be on a date.

"I got stood up," Stiles sighs and Derek quickly lets him in.

Derek lets him stay for dinner. Before now, Stiles didn't even realize Derek could cook. When he does, he gets this concentrated look on his face and blocks out any distractions. Stiles gets oddly mesmerized by the whole ordeal. If they hadn't gotten closer because of the whole bisexual thing, Stiles isn't sure he would have gotten to ever see this side of Derek.

He doesn't even mind the silence. Derek's great company despite it. Stiles isn't in the mood to talk anyway and he thinks that maybe Derek has picked up on that. He's a little upset, obviously. He didn't know the guy but Danny told him that he was pretty interested. Stiles didn't like to get his hopes up often but he was starting to get excited.

Derek finally tells him that he's making a famous recipe that his grandmother passed down to his mother. Some kind of soup that has an unpronounceable name. Which is a little odd because his real name is unpronounceable to most people. He likes the fond look Derek is wearing as he talks about his grandmother. She sounds like a real firecracker and it just makes Stiles more upset that Derek doesn't have her or any of his family around anymore.

Eventually the food is complete and Derek sets them up on the new little table across from his couch. Stiles has a moment to look around while Derek prepares the rest of their meal. Derek's bed is against the huge panel of windows. It's unmade which doesn't seem very Derek-like. He moved a lot of furniture around. And Stiles even notices how the big hole in the wall is fixed up and there's a door leading to whatever is on the other side.

Derek ushers for him to sit down and they eat in silence for a while. Stiles was pretty good with all the quietness earlier but now he's starting to get a little jittery. His mind can only go so long without talking. But he doesn't push any conversations because he's still... well he's hurt, to say the least. Derek picks up on that too because he clears his throat, ready to talk.

"That guy isn't worth your time, Stiles," He finally says.

Stiles glares at his own plate. He notices that he hasn't really eaten anything, he's just been moving the food around to seem like he has. He sighs and sets down his fork. After looking everywhere but at Derek, their eyes eventually meet when he can't take it anymore. Derek's gaze is hard and serious, a feature Stiles has grown accustom to.

"I don't know why it makes me feel like shit," He admits. Because he does feel like shit. He can't even do the whole dating thing right. What if he's reduced to a life of sleazy one night stands?

"It was one guy, Stiles. There's plenty more good ones out there," Derek encourages, but it sounds halfhearted. Stiles is suddenly curious about Derek.

Derek hasn't really made it clear if his sexuality is strictly dick or if he does play for both sides. Stiles wouldn't mind either way. Derek had mentioned it never working with any of the females he was with. Two out of three of those were nut jobs. But there's got to be more to it than that. Stiles just has this feeling that Derek hasn't really told him anything worthwhile.

"I'm such an idiot," Stiles says, "I don't know why I assumed dating guys would be easier when I never went on dates with girls either."

"You haven't given it a chance, Stiles. Be patient," Derek says.

Stiles loses his appetite after a while but helps Derek clear the table. Derek doesn't push him to talk about it which he really appreciates. Stiles wants more than anything to leave, but that would show that he's weak and vulnerable. So he sticks it out and avoids talking to Derek.

"You know, Kate stood me up a lot when I first met her," Derek mentions offhandedly as he reemerges from the kitchen, dishrag in hand.

"But she was plotting to kill your whole family," Stiles points out but immediately regrets saying it, "I am so sorry, that was an awful thing to say."

"You're not wrong," Derek shrugs, he takes a seat on his coffee table - which is new to Stiles - so he can be right across from the teenager. He still has the dishrag in his hands as he looks for a response from him.

"What was it like for you after her?" He asks. His curiosity quickly gets the best of him.

"Well I moved to New York and that was a whole new world for me. I experimented a lot, kind of like what you were doing," there's something he's not saying. Stiles realizes this when he doesn't exactly finish what he's getting to.

"Okay," Stiles nods with him.

"I had a lot of one night stands," Derek sighs. He looks ashamed and Stiles has never seen so much vulnerability from the usually stoic man. He's not even looking at Stiles, like admitting that was a thing of its own but now he has to face it.

"Derek, you weren't in a good place after your family died. You were unabashedly acting out in the only way you figured you could," Stiles tells him softly. Derek finally looks at him and he rubs the back of his neck. He has this look on his face like he knows what he wants to say but he doesn't know how.

"I just- I was disgusted by who I'd become. There were nights that I didn't even ask for the guy's name or nights where I was too drunk to remember what happened. Laura pitied me so much," Derek says.

"I'm not disgusted by you, if that's what you think is happening here," He raises an eyebrow at the wolf and gives him a look of such truth.

"What I'm trying to tell you is that, I felt bad about myself for a really long time after that. So bad that I was manipulated into being with Jennifer, and we both know how horrible that turned out," Derek referring to his failed relationship with another villain just makes Stiles' heart hurt.

The amount of hardships Derek has been through are incomparable to anyone else's. Stiles doesn't know how he's made it through his whole life with all these burdens. Derek doesn't even complain about the torture he has endured and that hurts Stiles even more. To think that he's never had anyone to confide in, yet in this moment, that's exactly what he's doing.

"I don't want you to think that one failed date means anything, Stiles. You're just starting out and your future is bright. Don't forget that," He says gently.

Stiles chuckles as he takes in what Derek's saying. There's this guy in front of him, who is extremely attractive, and all Stiles can think is that he should be taking his own advice. He lays a hand on Derek's shoulder, normally he would never even initiate physical contact with the guy, but he's seen a different side of him now.

"Derek, you've had a rough go at things so far. That doesn't mean that there's not someone out there for you too," Stiles says optimistically.

"I don't think I'm ready to get back out there quite yet," Derek huffs apologetically.

"That's okay!" Stiles enthuses, "I'll do enough dating for the both of us."

Derek smiles slightly at that. Maybe it's because Stiles is giving him time to figure out what he wants. Or maybe it's because he's happy Stiles isn't as discouraged about the whole dating thing as he was before. But it makes Stiles smile too.

 

* * *

 

After that first time, it becomes routine for Stiles to show up at the loft after his dates. He never goes home to change first, he just rushes to tell Derek everything. The friendship that they've formed is really important to him, especially since he connects with the wolf on a whole new level.

Stiles ends up giving Mike a second chance. The guy said that he only stood Stiles up in the first place because he was so nervous. He doesn't exactly believe it but decides that it wouldn't hurt to try it again. He definitely changed his expectations of the night though.

Rather than meeting up somewhere again, Stiles makes Mike pick him up at Lydia's. He doesn't want attention to be drawn to him if he gets picked up by a guy at his own house. People tend to spread news about these kinds of things due to the fact that he's the son of the sheriff. Plus, he hasn't even told his dad about his bisexuality. He likes playing it safe.

Mike is... well, Mike's a dick. Stiles really tries to be polite about the whole ordeal but the guy doesn't know how to court someone whatsoever. He expected the conversation to flow nicely between the two of them but it just doesn't. Mike is obsessed with himself. Even more than Jackson is and that's saying something.

Stiles goes through the entire date hoping that the time goes by quicker than it actually is. When Mike drops him back off at Lydia's, he tries to go in for a kiss but Stiles rejects it immediately. He's a little pissed about that but Stiles doesn't care. They just met and he didn't feel anything for the guy. He wasn't going to lead him on.

Stiles tells him he doesn't see things working out and quickly gets out of his car. Mike doesn't complain, he just lets him go and Stiles is thankful for that. As soon as he gets into Lydia's house, she asks him questions. He doesn't let her ask too many because he needs to get to Derek's to tell him everything.

Lydia lets him go, a little disappointed that she doesn't get the juice on how his disaster date was. He's angry that he even tried again with Mike. Standing him up the first time was one thing, but then having a crappy actual date with him was just intolerable.

Derek has the door open for him when he makes it up the multiple flights of stairs. He's out of breath and that's clear when he comes into the loft gasping for air. Derek smirks at him but hands him a bottle of water before shutting the door behind him.

"I'm either really out of shape or this building really needs to fix the elevators," Stiles tells him, taking a seat on the couch.

Derek chuckles in response and follows after him. He looks at the teen expectantly. He knows Stiles had that makeup date prior to him coming over, especially since he's still in a nice shirt.

"So how'd the date go?" He asks.

"The guy was a total dick," Stiles huffs, "He wouldn't stop talking about himself."

Derek listens to him intently after that. That's something Stiles loves about him, he's a terrible conversationalist but he's a great listener. He doesn't interrupt Stiles, he just lets him rant endlessly about everything that he hated about his date.

So the next time Stiles comes over, it's after another date with another douchebag. This goes on for a few weeks. It's always someone new and always someone who is just not right for him. Little does Stiles know, Derek's not too upset about that fact.

Stiles and him have really connected and he thinks he's starting to feel something for the teenager. He doesn't want to. Every relationship that he's had has gone to crap at some point, but Stiles is different. He never felt what he feels about Stiles with Jennifer or Kate. Even his relationship with Paige wasn't like this.

It could be the fact that he's a raging homosexual but what he felt at the time for them was supposed to be real. He doesn't reflect on it too much because Stiles is the present and all those people are gone, for good.

But when he looks at Stiles, he sees hopefulness. He's so broken that he couldn't imagine letting him deal with his baggage. So he doesn't mention it and continues to let Stiles go on dates with anyone who's willing. Stiles even starts to date girls too because he can. He's not like Derek where he can only go for one gender. Which means Derek would have even more competition anyway.

Eventually, Stiles meets a guy he does like. His name is Theo and Derek hates him. Stiles falls for the whole fake charm he has. Derek met him once and he immediately got a bad vibe from him. But he doesn't bug Stiles about it because Stiles seems to think he's finally done something right.

 

* * *

 

Things between them get real serious real fast. Stiles finally ends up telling his dad about his sexuality. Derek was extremely positive about how he'd take the news and he was right. Stiles' dad already knew and didn't care. Stiles gets more comfortable with himself after that.

The weeks start passing by quickly and Stiles is still with Theo and Derek is still mad about it. He starts seeing less and less of his friend and that's not something he's very happy about. But again, since he doesn't feel it's his place, he doesn't complain about it to Stiles.

But Christmas passes and then New Years comes even quicker and Derek is alone like usual. He calls Cora and talks to her a bit and decides a visit would be nice soon. His whole plan for the evening is to order a pizza and drink his feelings away. Well, that sounds like a normal Friday night for him.

His plans are changed when he hears a knock at the door. He doesn't expect to see Stiles, considering the fact that Stiles specifically told him he'd be with Theo all night. He also doesn't expect to see a paper bag filled with alcohol in his hand.

"Where did you get that?" Derek asks, snatching it from his hands.

"My dad's stash. Give it back," He growls, taking it aggressively from Derek.

"What are you doing here?" Derek asks.

"I got dumped," Stiles shrugs and plops down on Derek's floor.

"What?" Derek asks, and maybe he sounds a little more hopeful than he should.

"Theo wanted to have sex with me and I said I wasn't ready so he broke up with me," Stiles explains halfheartedly, "Are you just going to stand there or are you going to drink your feelings away with me?"

Derek knows it's a bad idea but it's exactly what he was going to do before Stiles showed up so he nods. He orders the pizza and cracks open some of the wolfsbane induced booze he got from a disdainful veterinarian.

He lets Stiles talk it out because that's what he usually does anyway. Stiles is an angry drunk. Actually, he shows a lot of emotions and it starts with anger. The second emotion is sadness. He starts crying unexpectedly and Derek is at a loss for what to do.

Stiles ends up crying for like two minutes before he stops all together. He gets pretty quiet after that and manages to eat about three slices of pizza in five minutes when the delivery guy shows up. Derek's concerned but he knows what breakups can do to a person. It's not his kind of breakup that usually ends with death, but it's definitely something.

"I thought I was in love with that asshole," Stiles huffs after a while, "But I want to have sex with someone that makes me feel like myself. I want to actually love them."

Derek is admittedly drunk but he's not drunk enough to not know what's happening around him. He can tell that Stiles is so drunk that he's starting to get to that point where he'll just tell Derek anything.

"He's not worth it, Stiles. You're better without him," Derek says softly. He wants to tell Stiles how much he actually means it. He doesn't want to admit it but Stiles was a different person with him.

"I know," Stiles sighs, "You didn't tell me that before though. You were supposed to tell me."

"What?" Derek asks. They'd never agreed to let Derek have his input on Stiles' relationships. He only listened.

"I saw the way you looked at me when I was with him. I thought, maybe you felt something. Maybe you'd say something and it would change everything," Stiles tells him, "I was wrong."

"Stiles-"

"Forget it," Stiles looks away from Derek and laughs. But Derek doesn't want to forget it. Because Stiles knows how Derek feels but he doesn't think it's real.

Derek is trying to convey what he wants to say in his head but each time he figures it out, it doesn't come out. Stiles stares at him for a while and they don't say anything. He wishes Stiles could read him better, but even if he could, he's extremely drunk.

"How do you not have a tv?" Stiles suddenly asks, glancing around the room.

"My life is a sitcom, I think that's enough," Derek tells him.

"You're lucky I brought my laptop. We can watch the ball drop," Stiles says, reaching into his backpack and pulling out the electronic.

Derek didn't plan on this happening. He never imagined getting drunk with an minor on New Years Eve. He certainly never imagined watching the ball drop with him. He hadn't done that since he lived in New York and he could actually go to time square.

He sits next to Stiles, close enough to where they both can see the live stream on his laptop. He doesn't think he's ever been this close to Stiles before, even though they've gotten closer the past few months. He has been through so much with Stiles and this is a nice memory to be able to have. Stiles probably won't remember it though.

It's getting close to midnight and Stiles sets the laptop on the coffee table and brings a leg up to rest on the couch. His knee touches Derek's thigh as he does so. Stiles doesn't seem to understand the invasion of personal space and Derek does his best to ignore it too.

"I've never kissed someone at midnight," Stiles murmurs, watching the screen, "Theo was supposed to be my first."

Derek doesn't say anything. Because he has kissed people at midnight. Multiple times, when he wasn't _himself_. He doesn't want to tell Stiles because Stiles seems too upset about it. He doesn't even remember their names anymore. He just remembers what happened afterwards. Every year.

Before he knows it, there's one minute left until midnight. Stiles starts talking about fireworks and how he's never really liked them. It's easier when it's on a screen and he can just watch from a distance. He watches as all the couples get ready to kiss and sighs.

_10..._

Derek decides something.

_9..._

It's the stupidest thing he's ever decided.

_8..._

He knows he'll regret it.

_7..._

But then again, maybe he won't.

_6..._

But as Stiles glances at him and says, " _5..._ " He's already made the decision.

_4..._

He's never felt like this before.

_3..._

The anticipation is serious.

_2..._

He leans forward.

_1..._

Stiles beats him to it.

_BAM!_

He feels that spark. The one you're supposed to feel when you kiss someone important to you for the first time. He doesn't even need to breathe when his lips are captured into multiple heated kisses.

It doesn't just stop there. They're both heavily intoxicated and lust filled. Hands move to various places and touch skin. Derek doesn't have time to think about what is happening. All he knows is that Stiles is gladly kissing him back and that's all that matters.

It gets even worse. They move the few feet it takes to get to Derek's bed and collapse into it. Clothing is removed and mouths roam to other places under the collar bone. Derek doesn't know what he's doing and he doesn't know how to stop.

Stiles is beautiful as he lays breathlessly underneath Derek. Sweat is pooling everywhere but he still manages to look amazing. His hair is just as messy as it was when he came. Derek's mind is a little hazy but he has time to look and admire.

Stiles makes the most ungodly sounds and Derek feeds off of it. They don't stop. He grips fingers in Derek's hair when he can't breathe and kisses him when he can. Derek never wants it to end. But eventually it does and they're both left in ecstasy.

Until the next morning.

 

* * *

 

Stiles wakes the next morning with a jolt. He lifts himself into a sitting position to take in his surroundings. He can't remember what happened last night. He was super drunk. He takes note that he is very much in someone else's bed and very much in that bed with someone.

It doesn't take him much longer to recognize the layout of the loft or the fact that Derek's tattoo is staring him in the face from a foot away. That gives him time to realize that not only is Derek shirtless, but so is he. He panics when he lifts up the sheet to reveal Derek's bare ass.

He quickly looks around and clumsily falls off the bed while trying to reach for his own boxers that are on the ground next to him. He has to repeatedly tell himself that nothing happened. This was all just a coincidence. He's sure he would remember sleeping with Derek Fucking Hale!

The commotion Stiles makes, wakes the ex-alpha in question. He seems just as dazed and clueless as Stiles does as he flips his head to find the noise. He rubs sleepily at his eyes and Stiles has only a moment to find that adorable before he's back to his state of panic.

"Stiles?" He asks gruffly -damnit his morning voice is sexy- blinking his eyes open.

Stiles thinks Derek picks up on his labored breathing and pounding heart because in the next second, he's springing up too. He's obviously worried as he reaches out to Stiles to make sure he's alright.

Stiles keeps himself out of reach and tries to get out the questions that are reeling in his head, "What happened last night?"

" _Stiles_ -"

He doesn't let Derek finish because he makes it sound bad. Like he should remember and how can't he remember?

"I-I need you to tell me that we didn't have sex," Stiles begs, keeping his attention off of Derek as he throws his shirt over his head.

Again, Derek says his name and the boy winces. Even if they did, Stiles finds himself needing Derek to lie. If he lost his virginity to Derek, he'd never be able to forgive himself.

It's not that Stiles wouldn't want to sleep with Derek, he's actually thought about it a lot. But besides that, he's thought about being in a relationship with Derek and how easy it would seem. He wanted to do this right. He didn't want a hook up and the awkwardness that was coming after.

"Please Derek, just tell me that nothing happened last night," Stiles pleads, he's finally looking at the ex-alpha.

Derek doesn't know what to do because on one hand, last night was probably the best of his life. There had been multiple people in Derek's life and despite the intoxication, none of the people wowed him like Stiles.

On the other hand, Stiles was just a kid. He was still in high school and had loads of stuff to deal with before he should even consider getting into a relationship with someone as damaged as Derek. So he says what Stiles wants to hear.

"No, Stiles. Nothing happened," He murmurs, knowing full well that Stiles himself didn't really believe it.

"Okay," He nods and grabs his phone off Derek's bedside table. Stiles sighs and runs fingers through his hair as he turns it on to see a bunch of worried messages from his father, "I have to go. My dad's worried about me."

"Yeah. Of course," Derek nods as he watches Stiles grab some of his things. Derek can't do much else other than sit there and watch him go. He doesn't want to subject Stiles to the fact that he's still naked.

"I'll see you around," Stiles says offhandedly as he walks out the door without looking back.

That's how Derek knows he's immensely screwed things up.


	2. Second Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Derek finally tries dating again but gets distracted by new supernatural problems involving Stiles.

Derek doesn't see Stiles for a few weeks after the whole incident between them. Derek wants to believe that this is just Stiles processing rather than him avoiding and wanting nothing to do with Derek. It leaves a strain in his relationship with the rest of the pack.

He doesn't show up for pack meetings like he should. He talks to Scott on the phone to catch up on what he missed and Scott doesn't even ask why he's been absent. The last time Derek didn't show up for so long was due to the fact that he was dealing with his family in South America. Scott guessed this was a similar matter.

It's no surprise when there's a new thing that goes bump in the night in Beacon Hills. What's confusing about it is that apparently it's affecting Scott, Stiles, and Allison. They learn from Deaton that it's due to the darkness surrounding their hearts.

When he finally sees Stiles again after weeks of not, he looks exhausted. Derek wants to approach him so many times throughout the pack meeting but he doesn't. He just listens to Scott explain that he's not in control of his shift, something that Stiles had witnessed.

Allison is apparently seeing her dead aunt, while almost shooting Lydia with an arrow, in defense. Stiles is silent. He doesn't talk about what he's experiencing, though Derek knows he should. Stiles is one of those guys that suffers in silence. He doesn't deserve that, especially with what him and Derek are going through.

Scott also mentions a new girl at their school named Kira. He says he's getting a strange vibe from her that tells him that she's not exactly normal. Stiles scoffs at his explanation. It's clear that he doesn't trust this new girl and Scott's newfound interest in her. Neither does Allison for that matter.

When eventually the meeting disperses, he catches up to Stiles as he's walking to his jeep.

"Hey," He greets casually.

"Shit," Stiles jumps and drops his keys. Derek picks them up and hands them over, "We need to get you a bell."

"Haven't seen you in a while," Derek ignores the joke.

"Been busy. You know with..." He trails off because Derek already knows that he's having a rough time.

"Stiles, I wanted to talk to you about New Year's," Derek decides to say bluntly.

"Can we just not talk about it ever again?" Stiles asks. He looks around to see if any of the pack is still circling around, "We were really drunk and we kissed. It's in the past and there's nothing to read into."

"But-"

"I really have to go," Stiles brushes him off.

He lets Stiles get into the jeep and drive away. As much as he wants to fix things with the human, he doesn't want to push too hard. So he obeys Stiles' wishes and decides to ignore it.

The next few weeks pass in a confusing manner. New and old faces come into the picture and Derek doesn't know how to handle it all. Scott's all about protecting those who need protecting so it's not out of place when he feels the need to rescue a girl they suspect is trapped in the body of the coyote.

Everyone helps out for this one. Stiles' dad tells him to stay away from it because the father of the supposedly dead child is a little nuts. He's got bear traps all over the woods because of this animal that is wreaking havoc. But that doesn't stop the pack.

They get themselves into a lot of trouble. Lydia steps on a malfunctioning trap when she's with Stiles. Isaac steps on a completely functioning one and gets his ankle trapped. Scott falls off his bike as he hears Isaac howl and Derek's skin prickles at the thought of a pack member being injured.

Scott runs himself ragged chasing after the coyote girl. Eventually Isaac gets his leg out of the trap and Allison's recent problem of not being able to shoot an arrow goes away when she shoots the dead girl's father with a tranquilizer dart.

The pack kind of rounds up after that and Stiles gets Lydia safely out of the trap despite not being able to read the directions. Jackson and Scott eventually catch up to the coyote and as Scott howls, the animal turns back into a young woman.

The girl, Malia, is taken back to her father by the sheriff. She's welcomed back with open arms and Stiles watches his dad solve this case. With Scott's dad back in town, his dad needs all the help he can get with protecting his job.

Eventually, another problem happens. The new girl, Kira, is kidnapped by some psychotic mass murder. Scott is so willing to put himself in harms way that he holds himself responsible for rescuing her.

Stiles tags along and that's pretty much it because everyone else thinks it's a terrible idea. But Stiles doesn't let his best friend go without backup. Derek's worried because they really don't know what they're dealing with so he stays back but only far enough to come running if help is needed.

Stiles goes into an abandoned factory with a metal baseball bat in tow and there's an extreme power outage across the town. Derek notices that he can barely hear Scott and Stiles anymore.

When they come out, Scott is holding on to Kira. After getting her into the jeep, Scott explains that his feeling was right about Kira. She ended up killing her captor with electricity. Scott doesn't know much else about it but figures it's better if they talk tomorrow.

Stiles doesn't come out for a while after that. Derek instructs Scott to take Kira home in Stiles' jeep while he waits for Stiles. When Stiles does approach him, he doesn't have his bat anymore.

"Are you okay?" Derek asks. The way Stiles isn't speaking or moving has him worried.

"I keep having this nightmare," Stiles finally says looking back at the factory, "Or at least I did before we all got the metaphorical doors in our minds closed."

"What was it?" Derek asks, curiosity getting the better of him.

"I'm in my room and I just keep saying don't let them in. And then I go to my door and am about to shut it but suddenly I walk through and I'm in the woods by the nemeton and I can't concentrate on anything and there's bright lights and a lot of noise. I wake up screaming sometimes," Stiles tells him. It's obvious that he doesn't know what it means and that fact terrifies him.

"Do you want to come back to the loft for a while?" Derek asks because though there's tension, he doesn't want Stiles to be alone.

"No," Stiles says softly, "I just want to go home. It's been a long day."

"Of course," Derek doesn't push. He just willingly drives Stiles home and acts like there's nothing to worry about.

 

* * *

 

Peter and the twins are the old faces that return. The twins are looking for a pack and think they can weasel their way into Scott's. Most of the pack doesn't take to them well since they did help cause a lot of destruction. But despite the fact that they made him kill Boyd, Derek believes they could prove themselves useful.

Peter's back for unknown reasons, but he's back. He even approaches Derek about needing a place to stay. Normally Derek would go tell Peter to fend for himself but Cora had been telling him that they could use whatever family they had left. Even if Peter tended to be a little psychotic at times. And murder-y.

Eventually Derek finds out the real reason Peter's there and that he wants something. He doesn't come outright with it. He tries to get on Derek's good side first. Then when he suddenly disappears for a while, Derek doesn't know how to interpret that.

He has the loft to himself for the first time in about a week because Peter is constantly around but Isaac is staying with the McCall's. He uses that time to start a much needed workout regimen. He hasn't had much time to work on his physique what with all the new drama that's been happening in Beacon Hills.

He's a little rusty, and his body isn't the same when he was an alpha. He's actually not too upset about that fact. Derek was never meant to be an alpha and the way he is now just feels right. He gets tired of the same repetitive things after a while and takes a break.

As he's downing his second water bottle, there's a knock on his door. He rushes over because he's not expecting company and the knock is pretty persistent. He doesn't even have time to realize that he's half naked and very sweaty.

When he opens the door to see Stiles, he can hear the teenager's heart skyrocket. The smell of pheromones and arousal waftthrough the air and hit Derek's nose hard.

"Hi," Stiles says, breath a little hollow.

"Uh hey," Derek huffs, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Is this a bad time?" Stiles asks.

"No. I was just taking a break from working out. Come in," Derek nudges his head a lets Stiles shut the door behind him, "What's up?"

"I was bored. Wanted to hang out," Stiles shrugs, "Did you hear about Isaac?"

"I heard he was at the Argent's and got attacked by men in masks," Derek nods.

"Yeah. Have you talked to Scott about Kira?" He then asks, trying to keep the conversation flowing.

"I went over there the other day. She's a kitsune. No one seems to understand what I mean by that," Derek says.

"She's a fox," Stiles narrows his eyes, "What else is there to know?"

"A lot, actually," Derek murmurs.

"Okay, so I didn't actually come here to hang out," Stiles says matter of factly.

"You want something," Derek raises an eyebrow. He knows Stiles enough to know when he's trying to be coy.

"I don't, personally. The pack wanted me to ask because they know we're good friends," Stiles winces as he says it because really, they haven't discussed where they are in their friendship.

"What is it?" Derek asks, despite the sudden awkwardness.

"Danny wants to throw a big neon party and you have the most space so-"

"Okay," He nods.

"Just like that?" Stiles asks, eyes widening.

"I trust you," Derek shrugs, "Upstairs is off limits. Other than that, if you provide your own stuff, I don't mind."

"Wow, uh, thanks man," Stiles smiles crookedly.

"I'll make myself scarce," Derek adds.

"You don't have to," Stiles says quickly. He laughs softly to himself at how desperate that sounded, "I mean, there's going to be a lot of people. It'd be a good place to mingle."

"I'm not interested in-"

"Are you sure? Because you say that yet, when we... When we kissed," Stiles finally gets it out with a sigh, "You seemed into it, is all."

"That was different," Derek's cheeks suddenly heat up and he has to turn away before Stiles sees.

"Because it was me?" Stiles asks, curiously. He kind of wants the answer to mean something.

"Yeah," Derek admits, "Stiles, it's been a really long time since I've felt comfortable to just go and kiss someone. I don't do that. But I know you and it was good, okay?"

"Okay," Stiles nods. Derek can hear his heart pounding. He knows he makes him nervous when they talk about this, "Maybe you should get back out there, though."

"I told you-"

"You're ready," Stiles stops him, "Don't try and tell me you're not."

"I'm not promising anything Stiles," Derek finally gives in. He wants to make Stiles happy, even if that means he can't be with him.

"Just come to the party Friday," Stiles shrugs and eventually exits the loft without another word.

Derek doesn't want to, but he does.

 

* * *

 

At the party, Derek shows up late, even though it's his place. The music is way too loud and his supernatural ears are slightly numb. He looks around for the pack and notices them all paired off.

Allison is dancing with Isaac. Scott's standing next to Kira who seems nervous as Scott glares at Isaac. Jackson is alone however, and Lydia is no where to be seen. He sees Danny painting Ethan's body while Aiden watched with a smirk. He can tell Ethan's the more reserved of the twins.

He continues his search around the loft when he notice Stiles making out with some girl in a platinum wig on the steps. He hates the way it makes his stomach feel. He knows he promised Stiles he'd show up but the longer he stays, the more he wants to leave.

He does talk to people though. A lot of them are obviously teenagers and college students. He finds some guys that seem closer to his age but it's hard to communicate with them when he's thinking so much about Stiles. He eventually gives up and looks around for pack members to talk to.

He goes out to the balcony to get some fresh air and notices a body on the ground. As he walks closer, he sees that it's Lydia and rushes to her side. She's freezing and he picks her up and brings her back inside. He can't handle all these people in his loft.

He uses his werewolf voice to shout at everyone to get out. It doesn't take long for everyone to go running. The pack realizes something's wrong when they see Lydia in his arms. Jackson rushes to his side and helps try to warm her up.

Suddenly, Danny and Aiden are pulling Ethan out of the closet. He's also freezing and Danny doesn't know what to do about it. Aiden retracts a claw and cuts Ethan slightly. Ethan roars back to life and heals quickly. Isaac looks so pale as he looks between the two victims.

"It's them," He whispers.

"What are you talking about?" Scott asks, stepping forward.

"The people in masks," Isaac explains. It's exactly what happened to him.

"Guys, take a look at this," Aiden says, pushing Ethan's head to the side so they're all able to see a backwards 5 behind his ear.

"Lydia's got one too," Jackson says softly.

Allison reached up and turns Isaac's head too, and sure enough, he has an identical marking. None of them have any idea what it means.

"Where's Stiles?" Derek asks, realizing that the spastic teenager is missing.

"He left a while ago. Said something about knowing where that key he had came from," Scott explains.

Meanwhile, Stiles is at the school figuring out that his handwriting is identical to the message telling the man who took Kira, to kill her.

 

* * *

 

Stiles doesn't know what's wrong with him. He thinks he's blacking out. He doesn't remember stuff sometimes. Sometimes he's awake and he doesn't realize it. Scott noticed that in class one day. He tries to tell his best friend that there's something wrong but he doesn't understand and isn't concerned.

Stiles goes to the one person he thinks can help, Melissa McCall. When she asks about his sleeping habits, he knows he can't lie to the woman. He hasn't been sleeping really at all. She gives him a sedative that knocks him right out.

Melissa calls his dad, because she knows what Stiles symptoms sound like. She's his concerned surrogate parent and Stiles doesn't blame her for getting his dad involved. If it was up to him, he probably wouldn't want to burden his dad but this was too much for him to handle alone.

He wakes up at one point, alone, and searches for his family. He gets lost looking and ends up somewhere he's not supposed to. When he turns around to exit, he sees one of those guys the pack was telling him about. Somehow he just knew they were called the Oni. He tries to make a run for it but suddenly he blacks out and doesn't know what happens next.

The next time he remembers something, he's back in his hospital bed and his dad is taking him home. There's not much to be done at this point. His dad wants to run some more tests but wants him to go home first. Stiles doesn't object to that because he knows he needs to figure this out away from the hospital.

When he goes to sleep that night, he wakes up in a place he doesn't recognize. It's very dark and he's scared. His leg is in pain and he's freezing. He feels around for his phone and once he finds it, he calls Scott.

Scott's obviously panicked. But he does what Stiles asks and gets the pack involved, but he also gets his dad involved. They search everywhere. Lydia thinks she knows where he is but she doesn't. He's not where he should be.

Stiles is tormented by this thing that won't show itself but loves riddles. Stiles can't stand it. He just wants to escape and go home. He finds out there's a bear trap around his ankle and that's why he's in so much pain. He cries when he can't take it and the thing he figures out is the Nogitsune, drags him across the floor.

He's not in that dark basement anymore but is instead in a dark cave, wrapped in the arms of Melissa McCall. He's frightened and relieved to see her. He feels so weak and in need of the pack at this time. Melissa gets him back to the hospital in one piece.

They schedule an MRI right away and he's stuck in a hospital room while his dad waits outside. He doesn't want to see anyone, now that he's actually come to his senses. He knows the pack is out there but he's against the idea of seeing them.

He's laying in the uncomfortable bed, staring at the ceiling when he hears the door start to open. No matter what he does, if he tries to pretend that he's asleep, if the person that has come in is a werewolf, they'll know he's faking. He won't be able to keep his breath steady enough.

"Stiles," Derek murmurs softly. He hates the gentleness to his tone.

"Derek," Stiles greets in return.

"I just found out you were missing," Derek huffs.

"Scott didn't tell you?" Stiles asks.

"I was on a date," Derek blushes. Over the past couple days, Derek had mentioned meeting someone, "I fell asleep at his place."

"I'm sorry you had to come here. You should have stayed," Stiles heart hurts because he doesn't really mean what he says. He's happy Derek came.

"You're more important," Derek admits, running his hand up the crease of Stiles' hair, pushing it back.

"I'm scared, Derek," Stiles says, accepting the hand that Derek reaches out with, intertwining their fingers together.

"You're going to be fine," Derek whispers, he takes a seat on the bed where Stiles' feet aren't are. He looks so fragile in the light blue hospital gown he was given.

"How's my dad?" Stiles ignores the sentiment.

"He's okay, Stiles. Everyone's just worried about you," Derek tells him, squeezing his hand tighter.

"He can't go through this again," Derek can hear Stiles' heart beat pick up as he starts to panic.

"Stiles-"

"It's just like my mom. I'm not myself. I can't control it. I'm not in control," Stiles gasps.

Derek doesn't know what to do. He hasn't been around Stiles for his panic attacks. He knows from Scott that physical contact helps, so he leans forward and kisses Stiles' forehead as tears start to trickle down his cheeks.

"There's no cure," Stiles repeats over and over again.

"If it comes down to it, we'll do what we have to. You're making it out of this. I promise," Derek says, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

Stiles' dad opens the door followed by Melissa who's ready to take him to do his tests. He's nervous about it and Derek follows him down to the room but doesn't go in. He has a feeling that Stiles doesn't want him in the room, doesn't want to be seen like that.

Scott however, goes in to speak with Stiles and assure him that they'd do whateverneeded to be done. He hears Stiles explain more about the disease he fears he has: frontotemporal dementia. It's the only form of dementia that can hit teenagers. Scott eventually comes out and takes a seat across from him.

As they wait, they realize something doesn't feel right. They go to the roof because they use their sense of smell to figure things out. Things go very badly after that. The power goes out and they lose Stiles again. After a conversation with Aiden while Derek is taking a look at the jeep, he realizes how Kira could have affected Stiles in some way.

Skinny, defenseless Stiles, is the Nogitsune.

 

* * *

 

Derek searches everywhere for Stiles because he's so worried. He knows that Stiles isn't himself and that he doesn't really have his mother's disease. The Nogitsune is a trickster, as Kira's mom told him. He likes to play games for the purpose of creating chaos.

A lot of things happen in the next few weeks. Stiles doesn't disappear for too long. Scott finds him in the school basement with plans that seem to be designed by the Nogitsune. Stiles, Scott, and the twins run around trying to figure out the evil spirits end game.

From the school to the sheriff's station, a lot of chaos happens. Derek gets framed for a murder he didn't commit while talking to Chris Argent about what he would do to Stiles if he found him. There's word that Coach Finstock gets shot in the chest with an arrow. Derek feels like these things are leading up to something big and disastrous.

He feels weird about being handcuffed and sitting on a bench with Argent. He senses something that shouldn't be there but he can't put his mind to it. Apparently, the bomb squad has been sent to the school in fear of a bomb being placed on one of the buses. Derek feels like it's a distraction.

He's right.

The real bomb is in the sheriff's office and he knows it and wants to escape but Chris keeps him there. He can't say he told him so when the bomb goes off and he shields the hunter because he gets stabbed by dozens of tiny glass shards. He can't breathe and finds himself crumpling to the floor as Argent says his thanks.

Stiles comes rushing in, looking for his dadamidst the destruction caused by the Nogitsune. He spots Derek first and rushes over to help. Derek hasn't seen Stiles since the hospital and something just doesn't seem right.

"Shit, Derek," Stiles sucks in a breath, "We've got to get you out of here."

There's a lot of bodies injured and even dead. Stiles looks around and demands for Scott to take one of the deputies pain. It just doesn't seem right to Derek. How do they know that this is really Stiles?

More things happen and suddenly while they're trying to help Stiles escape the Oni, Derek is alone with him. They've ran all the way to the veterinarian clinic and locked themselves away. Scott and Kira have taken to getting rid of the problem hands on. He stares at Stiles and how frantic he's being about keeping them out. Derek doesn't say anything, he just watches, and that doesn't go unnoticed.

"How'd you know?" Stiles asks, suddenly dropping the frantic act.

"I know Stiles," Derek says, backing away from the demon possessing him.

"You're probably the least dumb out of all of them. I see why he likes you," Not-Stiles says.

"Get out of him," Derek growls, transforming into his beta form.

"You're not going to hurt me, because if you hurt me you hurt him," He says, grin forming on his lips.

Derek can't argue with that. But he doesn't know what to do. He can't just continue to let this thing posses Stiles. Stiles is terrified because he's not in control. He doesn't know what he's doing. The only thing he can do is follow exactly what the Nogitsune does.

He's too distracted in coming up with a plan when he's suddenly jabbed in the chest with one of those Oni swords. He has no idea how the Nogitsune got it, like it appeared out of thin air. Maybe it did. They still didn't really know what the dark spirit was capable of.

He couldn't breathe. Not-Stiles twists the sword into his chest, shoving it further through him. He's doing his best to try and force it out but the Nogitsune has unexpected strength. His fight is over soon enough and he's slumping against the blade, not that he wants to.

"You have no idea the things this kid has in his head," It scoffs.

"St-Stiles," Derek sputters, choking up some blood, "If you can hear me, it's okay."

"Of course he can hear you. He hears everything. He sees everything. But he's not in control," It says loosening it's hold on the blade just a little, "I can hear him. Like now, he's screaming. Telling me to stop. He can't bear to see you hurt."

"Shut up," Derek groans, feeling nauseous.

"Do you have any idea how he feels about you? I mean, he feels strongly about a lot of people. Your pack is his family. But you, Derek... He's completely gone on you. He's just too scared to admit it," The Nogitsune lets him go and he crumples to the floor, trying to pull out the blade but failing miserably.

Derek doesn't want to listen anymore. He doesn't want Stiles' thought displayed for him when they're obviously supposed to be private. He does his best to crawl away from Stiles wet figure, from the rain outside.

"That's not a problem though, is it? You're just as in love with him as he is with you. You wouldn't be here fighting for him if you didn't feel that way," Derek has to shut his eyes because the Nogitsune is approaching again and he's not sure he can handle anymore pain.

Suddenly, he's staring at Stiles' face where he has slumped over on the ground. Behind him, Deaton stands with a syringe. Derek has no time to be relieved about that because he's having a long sword pulled from his chest by a wiry Scott.

He doesn't remember much after that as he passes out.

 

* * *

 

Eventually they get the Nogitsune out of Stiles. Multiple things happen before that though. Stiles checks himself into Eichen House, the resident mental hospital. After killing all those people and hurting Derek, he doesn't trust himself.

The pack thinks it's a bad idea. They know it's a bad idea when the Nogitsune does take over and goes missing once again. Stiles tries to solve the mystery himself because that's the least he could do while locked away.

Unexpectedly, the pack meets Malia again. She's actually mad about the fact that she can't turn back into a coyote. Stiles apparently sent her their way when they were in Eichen House together. He told her that Scott could help. So Malia sort of joins the pack after that.

When they find Stiles again, they are able to work together and delve into his mind. Scott is able to pull Stiles right out of his own body. Peter's the unexpected help at this point, coaching Scott and Lydia through the whole thing.

When they have both Stiles and the Nogitsune right where they need them, they have to figure out what the next step is. They both look exactly like the other so it's hard to look at one and not think of the other. Derek hasn't seen the real Stiles in so long and he looks so fragile.

Scott goes out of his way to make sure Stiles is okay. Derek notices Scott touching Stiles and black veins forming on his arms. Stiles is in pain. The rest of the pack and Deaton watch over void Stiles while Scott takes the real one up to his room. Derek follows them just because he's worried.

He doesn't enter Scott's room but he listens in to their conversation.

"I'm dying," Stiles whispers.

" _Stiles_ ," Scott says in a pained manner, "We just got you out of this." 

"I remember everything I did," He continues, "With Coach, the bomb, _Derek_..."

Derek steps inside the room now, arms crossed over his chest in defense, "It wasn't you."

"We have to put an end to it," Stiles ignores him.

"What if it kills you?" Scott asks.

"I'm okay with that," Stiles admits, closing his eyes.

"I'm not," Derek growls.

"I haven't been myself in a long time," Stiles sighs, "Let me make this decision."

"I-" Scott doesn't know what to say.

"Okay," Derek says for him, "What do you want us to do?"

"Let the Oni come," Stiles says softly.

So they obey Stiles' wishes. The Nogitsune thinks he has them fooled but is obviously frightened when they back away and let the Oni do their thing. When it's all over, Derek's the first one to go upstairs to check on Stiles.

He's passed out on Scott's bed. Derek approaches quietly, hoping that this means he's just sleeping and not slowly dying. When he sits in Scott's desk chair, Stiles starts to wake up. His eyes meet Derek's once they open up fully.

"Am I dead?" Stiles asks, staring at Derek as he takes his hand and squeezes it. Stiles seems medically fine since there's no pain to take.

"No, Stiles. You're okay," Derek breathes a sigh of relief. He wants more than anything to scoop Stiles up in his arms and kiss him senseless.

"I'm sorry," He says. Though he's not in pain and no longer possessed, he looks so tired.

"You've got nothing to apologize for," Derek shakes his head.

"I don't know how much more of this I can take," He admits.

"Nothing like this is going to happen again," Derek promises. He wants to talk about more than just what happened to Stiles. He wants to ask if what the Nogitsune told him was really true.

Stiles is mentally and physically drained though, so Derek doesn't ask. He lets him be lulled back to sleep and figures saving their conversation for a later date would be better.

 

* * *

 

Stiles stays away from the pack. It doesn't strike any of them as odd until it becomes a noticeable thing. He won't go to pack meetings. He doesn't text or call anyone. He doesn't even show up at school. They all know he's taking the being possessed thing hard, but they're getting nervous.

Scott tries to go over to his house but John Stilinski puts his foot down about letting Stiles have time to heal. John is obviously upset about the situation, maybe even more than Stiles. He'd just recently been allowed into the world of the supernatural and having his son not be his son for a while, didn't really give them any points.

The pack was supposed to protect each other. Scott was beating himself up about it because if he hadn't been so adamant on saving Kira, this might not have happened. It was a moot point to try and reflect on that though. The pack understood that Scott wasn't going to let someone innocent die. That's just how Scott worked.

Derek thinks the longer Stiles ignores him, the more he doesn't want to talk about his feelings. Stiles wasn't given the choice of telling Derek how he felt about him. Everything he had ever thought was available information for the Nogitsune to take hold of and bend to its will.

Derek tries dating again. He knows that no matter how hard he tries, there's no getting over his feelings for Stiles that quickly. All he wants is to be able to talk to Stiles and really know if they have a chance. Waiting is pointless because there's no telling when Stiles could be ready to talk.

Except, Stiles does want to talk. But it has to be at the worst time possible.

Derek's been on a few dates with this guy, Justin. Things are going good between them and they're really getting to know each other. They head back to the loft after dinner. That's normally something that Derek doesn't do since the loft is a place the pack comes to often. He has little time to think about that when he's in a heated make out session with his really attractive date.

There's a knock on the door. He thinks it'd be easier to just ignore it but the knock is persistent and the heart beat is familiar. He tells Justin to give him a minute as he goes to get rid of whatever pack member is disturbing his time.

He swings the door open and surprise is written on his face as he says, "Stiles!"

"I'm sorry I didn't call before. I know it's been a while. And I know that I haven't really been a member of society lately," Stiles blabs, "I just needed to talk to you, because we have a lot to talk about I think, and I'm sick of putting it off."

Stiles says it all in one breath and as he calms down from his rant, he realizes that Derek's appearance isn't as prim as it usually is. He has another moment to realize that there's a guy standing in Derek's apartment, looking similarly disheveled.

"Oh my god," Stiles says suddenly. It's not exactly what he meant to come out but his mouth doesn't exactly have a filter. It's not uncommon for him to blurt stuff like that.

"Stiles," Derek sighs, running fingers through his hair to fix it. He buttons up his shirt but doesn't bother to tuck it back in his khakis.

"This is a terrible time. I'm just gonna-"

"Don't go," Derek says quickly, reaching out to take hold of his wrist, "I want to talk too."

"I'm sorry, is this your ex?" Justin asks, butting into the conversation with confusion.

"No," Derek says, "Just a really good friend."

"Derek, I don't want to ruin your night," Stiles says softly. Stiles can't believe what an idiot he is. Here he was, about to express every emotion he was feeling to Derek, but it was too late.

"This is important to me, Stiles. You're important to me," Derek says, not letting him go.

"I appreciate that, but don't bother, Derek. You're dating again, that's a good thing," Stiles shakes his head and Derek lets him go as he tugs away.

"Stiles, come on. We're all worried about you. The pa- I mean, our friends have been going out of their way to get a hold of you," Derek tells him.

"I'm gonna go see Scott," Stiles nods. There's a blip in his heart beat and Derek doesn't want to miss this chance. Stiles came to him. He was letting him down. Stiles backs up and says to Justin, "Sorry for interrupting."

He leaves before Derek can say another word. Justin tries to distract him with kisses to the neck and jaw but he's just not into it. He can't be with someone when all he can think about is Stiles. Justin sees his lack of interest and takes his leave. Derek apologizes but Justin understands.

He needs to talk to Stiles.

 

* * *

 

Stiles has to look anywhere but at Dr. Valeck. He's only back to seeing his therapist because he doesn't want his dad to start worrying again. He realized he wasn't the same person he was before the Nogitsune. That didn't mean he wanted to talk about it with a stranger. Though Dr. Valeck wasn't really a stranger anymore.

"I haven't seen you in a while, Stiles," He said cautiously.

Stiles closes his eyes before opening them to look at his therapist, "I thought I was okay."

"Just because things are going okay, doesn't mean you have to stop coming. It's nice seeing a friendly face," Dr. Valeck shrugs.

"To be completely honest doc, the last time I was here you kind of assumed I was gay and that turned me off," Stiles sighs.

"I'm sensing a but," He raises an eyebrow to let Stiles know he may continue. The thing is, Stiles finds himself wanting to.

"But you were right, I guess," Stiles shrugs and slumps back into the couch, "I figured it out."

"I'm happy to hear that," He nods, "How do you feel about your sexuality now?"

"I feel more open. Like I'm not trapped," Stiles admits.

"Is there someone who makes you feel this way?" He asks.

Stiles doesn't respond right away. He doesn't want to admit that Derek is the one who makes him feel free. He hasn't admitted to himself that he's in love with Derek or that it hurt seeing him with someone else. It's hard to get those words to register enough that he can tell Dr. Valeck.

He looks at his hands for too long which creates images in his head. All he can see is dark red blood covering his palms. The blood on his hands from what he did when he couldn't control himself. He should have been able to control himself, but he couldn't. He was too weak.

"Stiles?" Dr. Valeck snaps him out of it, a worried tone to his voice.

"I don't deserve him," Stiles suddenly says.

He'll never be good enough for Derek. Maybe before, when he wasn't so messed up. Even a couple days ago when he was ready to admit his real feelings. There's no going back to that person he was supposed to be. The person that Derek must have fallen in love with too, if the Nogitsune's assumptions were correct.

He can't stop thinking about how relieved Derek was to see him. How worried he'd become all because Stiles refused to be a part of the pack. Because healing from something like this, it was going to take a lot longer than anything had before. Physical wounds, he dealt with those fairly easy. But this wasn't physical.

His mentality was corrupted by what he experienced when he was possessed. He can't stop thinking about how it must have been for a reason. Like maybe he couldn't close his mind to the darkness because he didn't want to. Maybe he wanted all the things that the dark spirit did. He wasn't sure how fucked up that was.

"What makes you think that?" He finally hears Dr. Valeck ask.

"I did some bad things," Stiles wishes he could say more. It's almost pointless to go to therapy when he can't even say things about most of his life.

"Does that make you think that you aren't worthy of his acceptance?"

"I don't know what I think," Stiles shrugs.

"Do you love this person?" He asks.

"More than anything," Stiles admits, "But I don't think he can love me. Not anymore."

"I think you need to talk to him about that, Stiles," Dr. Valeck says. He closes his notebook and Stiles realizes that it's the end of their session, "I'll see you next week. Try making some progress, yeah?"

"Okay," Stiles nods, not entirely sure if he means it.

He walks out of the office and onto the dead streets of the city a town over from Beacon Hills. It's one of the reasons he likes coming here. No one in Beacon Hills will have to know what he does while he's away. He almost feels like a different person in this new place.

He spots his dad's cruiser but doesn't see his dad. Instead he sees tall, dark, and broody. He sighs and walks forward. He's getting a weird sense of déjà vu as he finally steps up to Derek. He can't help but think of that first time Derek followed him and discovered his secret.

"What brings you out here besides spying on me?" Stiles asks.

"Your dad called me. Said he needed to run an errand real quick and didn't know if he'd be back by the time you got out," Derek shrugs, "Anything interesting happen in there?"

"I've discovered I'm really fucked up," Stiles says nonchalantly.

"That's not true," Derek sighs.

"Enough about me," Stiles says, "I've talked about myself too much already. What's up with you? Still seeing that one guy?"

"No," Derek says softly, "Didn't work out."

"I had a thing with Malia," Stiles blurts out because he doesn't know what else to say. His mouth tends to say the things he doesn't want it to say. He cringes as he looks at Derek who is slightly shocked.

"Scott's training her to be in the pack," Derek says awkwardly.

"I just thought you should know. It happened in Eichen House. I wasn't really myself," Stiles offers. He wishes he could stop talking. He can't make it any better or any worse at this point.

"She talks about you a lot," Derek realizes.

"I don't want to be with her," Stiles says quickly.

"She's my cousin," Derek huffs and okay that's a little weird.

"Who?" Stiles asks even though he already knows the answer. Peter's daughter. It has to be.

"Peter went snooping. It's like it was meant to be," Derek sighs, "It's like when I think I've lost all my family, they start coming back."

Stiles thinks this must be a lot for Derek to take in. It wasn't just the fact that he may be in love with Stiles and Stiles was intimate with a family member. Derek would never stop blaming himself for what he did to his family. Stiles wanted to fix that for him. But Cora came back and now he has family he didn't even know about.

"Maybe you should talk to her, get to know her," Stiles suggests, "I've heard just talking to someone is progress."

"You going to take your own advice?" Derek asks softly. He's not even looking at Stiles as if he meant to mutter the question. Stiles scrunches his face up and has to turn around just to breathe.

"I can't yet," Stiles tells him once he turns back around, "Eventually I'll be able to look people in the eye and not see the pain I caused. But right now, I just can't, Derek."

"I get that," Derek nods, "But just because you think it was your fault, doesn't mean it was."

"We're both hypocrites," Stiles chuckles. _Maybe we'd be good for each other._

Stiles doesn't believe it though. He's not good for anyone. That's why he hasn't gone to see the pack yet. That's why he's okay that it's just Derek he's even tried to communicate with. It's a good thing he discovered he wasn't ready to talk. Things might not be as good as they were before.

"Scott wanted me to pass on a message," Derek interrupts his thoughts by holding out a folded piece of paper. He takes it, not knowing if he'll be able to read it.

"Thank you," Stiles says, staring at the paper like it held the answers he was looking for.

"I just want you to know that none of us blame you. We'd be happy to see you at pack meetings again," Derek sighs.

He walks forward and stands right in front of Stiles. He's not sure what that's supposed to mean. He learns the answer when Derek gently rests a hand on his shoulder, squeezing. He pulls him closer and without knowing how, he's being thoroughly embraced by an ex-alpha werewolf.

It takes him a while to bring his arms up and wrap them around Derek's torso but he does. The comfort is foreign, even from Derek. The most he'd gotten in the physical comfort department were a few shoulder squeezes and pats on the back from his dad. His dad had been treating him almost as if he were made of glass lately.

"We miss you, Stiles," Derek whispers, lips so close to his ear as he feels that hot breath.

Stiles doesn't know why but he clenches into Derek's leather jacket tighter. He lets go of it altogether once he senses someone watching them. When he's able to look around Derek, he sees his dad standing by the driver's side of his cruiser. He waves a little and he feels Derek's hand drop from his wrist. He hadn't even realized it was there.

Derek departs with a goodbye and Stiles gets in the cruiser silently. He looks over at his dad who is subtly gazing at him from his peripheral vision.

"There was no errand," It's not a question, Stiles just knows his dad well enough.

"No kid, there wasn't," He admits and shifts the car into drive. The rest of the time the ride is silent. But this time, it's comfortable.

 

* * *

 

Stiles makes up with Scott and the pack in some way. He doesn't necessarily act like he's in the pack but he does his best to be around. He decides to finish school up online because he's a senior and there's little time left. The pack doesn't seem to mind, they're just happy he's letting them see him again.

At his latest therapy session Dr. Valeck tells him he should tell Derek how he feels. He's ready for it. He just needs to stop thinking that he's to blame for everything. Stiles feels good about that for some reason and shows up at the loft unexpectedly. Which he knows from previous experience is probably a bad idea. But it's time.

He pulls the door open himself because it's unlocked. Derek is sitting on his bed with a few books surrounding him. He's got a bowl of uneaten pasta on the bedside table as well. As he steps closer he realizes that there are blueprints sitting there too.

He realizes what Derek is doing too late. Derek is looking at blueprints of his burned family home. He's so sure that Derek wants to rebuild it, that everything he was thinking about before immediately escapes his mind.

He was going to tell Derek about New York. About how he'd gotten a scholarship and acceptance letter from NYU. He was going to tell Derek that he loved him and then ask him to come with him. He couldn't bear staying in Beacon Hills any longer and he hoped Derek felt the same way.

Now he knew that there was no way that could happen. Derek was rebuilding a life here. He could get past his demons, something Stiles couldn't see himself doing. This was home to Derek, it was supposed to be home to him too but he just didn't see it that way anymore.

"Stiles, what's up?" Derek asks.

"We need to talk," Stiles says quietly.

That alerts Derek immediately. He stands up and gets closer to Stiles. They manage a reasonable distance that Stiles isn't entirely happy with but he deals with it.

"Okay," Derek nods carefully.

Despite Stiles not being a werewolf, he almost can smell Derek's anxiety. His fear. His hope. Stiles does not want to hurt Derek. But he has to walk away.

"I know you're in love with me," Stiles says.

"I am," Derek doesn't even try to deny it and that goes to Stiles' core, "I didn't know how to tell you. I wasn't sure if you wanted to be with me but then the Nogitsune said-"

"Forget what the Nogitsune said," Stiles interrupts, "That wasn't me. This is me."

"Okay," Derek says slowly, not understanding where the conversation was going.

"I loved you," Stiles finds himself saying, "But I'm not the same person I was before the Nogitsune. I'm not the guy you fell in love with. I don't know how to be in love. I don't know how to live, really. I'm broken, Derek."

"I can help you," Derek says, "That doesn't bother me."

"But it bothers me. I can't be with someone I don't love," Stiles is lying through his teeth but it's like Derek doesn't hear it.

"You don't mean that," Derek is shaking his head, pleading for Stiles to just stop talking.

"I need you to let me go, Derek," Stiles whispers.

"I can't," Derek whines, "If I see you all the time, I can't do that."

"Good thing I won't be around," Stiles shrugs.

"What?" Derek asks.

"I'm leaving. For college. I'm going to New York. I just need to get away. You'll have plenty of things to keep you occupied here," Stiles doesn't want to stay on the topic for too long, "You've got your family, the pack, you're remodeling your house. You'll forget all about me."

"Don't do this, don't go," Derek says desperately.

"I can't stay here, Derek," Stiles admits, "I don't belong here."

"You'll keep in touch though?" Derek asks hopelessly, "Just because I can't be with you doesn't mean I don't want you in my life."

"Of course," Stiles nods but he doesn't know what the truth is anymore.

He leaves Derek's loft. He leaves Beacon Hills soon after that. He doesn't really tell anyone he's going and he can't seem to care what they think anyway.

He needs a fresh start.


	3. Third Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Stiles comes back from college for a visit and he and Derek are both in relationships.

Stiles feels good again. It's a year into his college experience and he feels so good about it. He sees a new therapist that Dr. Valeck sent him to while in New York and he finds himself opening up again. The first few months didn't start out great but he made a come back from his self-pity.

For those first couple of months, he stayed holed up in his dorm room except for his classes. His saving grace was on the occasion, Lydia when she would come and check on him from her apartment near MIT. Those visits happened as frequently as possible to make sure Stiles didn't drown in self-loathing.

He kept in touch with his dad, calling him everyday at first. It got more complicated once he really focused on his career in forensics and started seeing people again. He went to parties and made friends and his life was as normal as it could be after experiencing so much death and disaster. That's why he still had the therapist.

Six months into his first year of college, he met someone. This someone, Sarah, happened to be the person who got him out of the rut he was in. She was nothing like anyone he ever knew. She wasn't scary or intimidating like Lydia. She was pure and kind and everything Stiles needed. So they hit it off right away and have been dating ever since.

Once the school year winds down and Stiles knows he's passed all his exams with flying colors, he plans a trip home. Well, not exactly a trip. It's summer now and other than Sarah, there's not much in New York he wants to stick around for. His dad is ecstatic when he reveals his plans.

His plane leaves the week after school gets out. Sarah can't make it since she plans on seeing her family. They were planning to visit each other though. Stiles liked that idea a lot because having an escape from Beacon Hills may be necessary.

At the airport, his dad is there with a wide smile on his face. He doesn't expect to see Scott but isn't taken back when he sees him. Scott was the one person he decided to keep in contact with because their best friend bond would always be strong. They were practically brothers, especially with Scott's news about his dad and Melissa hanging out recently.

"Hey kid," His dad greets him, squeezing him into one of those Stilinski hugs that he could never get enough of, "Did you grow?"

"Nah pops, you haven't seen me in a while. Forgettin' what I look like?" Stiles jokes. His dad chuckles with him.

"Hey man," Scott smiles and pulls him into a hug that could almost rival the one with his father.

"How are you, Scotty?" Stiles grins, "College life treating you well?"

"Better than I expected," Scott nods.

"Great," Stiles says, "I'm starving. I'll make something when we get home. Dad, invite Melissa over. It'll be a family thing."

"I forgot how demanding he is," Scott mutters to his father. Stiles just smiles while they aren't looking. He missed this.

Eventually Stiles gets himself situated in his bedroom again and comes down to make dinner. Realizing they don't actually have anything in the fridge that could make a proper meal, Stiles opts to go to the grocery store, even though his dad says he can go for him. While Stiles appreciates it, he wants to get out of the house already and take a look around Beacon Hills.

The grocery store is exactly the same, as is everything else in the town. He kind of expected it to change just a little bit. He's not disappointed though. It means that he didn't really miss much while he was away. He was still waiting for Scott to catch him up on some of the things that happened. Supernatural or otherwise.

He's in the meat section when his day goes in an unexpected direction. He's picking out some steaks that he knows his dad will appreciate when he sees _him_.

He drops a few things he was holding and scrambles to pick them up when he sees shoes in front of him. He slowly looks up and sees the amused look on Derek Hale's face as he gives him a hand. Stiles feels just a little mortified as he takes that helping hand.

"Stiles," Derek grins.

"Hey there," Stiles chuckles awkwardly.

"I didn't know you were coming home," Derek raises his eyebrows.

"Thought it was time for a visit," Stiles nods, "Dad and Scott have been missing me."

"I assume so," Derek nods.

"I'm making dinner," Stiles blurts waving the packets of meat in his hands, "There's room for more if you'd like to join."

Stiles has no idea why he's asking Derek to come to his family dinner. The last time he saw Derek, he was ripping his heart out of his chest. He promised he'd keep in touch and when Derek tried, he completely ignored him. Maybe this was Stiles' way of trying to make it up to him.

"I kind of have plans of my own-"

"Oh," Stiles nods frantically, "I totally understand."

"But I'm sure I could reschedule," Derek shakes his head, "I'd love to catch up."

Stiles halfheartedly smiles because he's not entirely sure that's the answer he wants. He tells Derek to come by around seven. Derek even asks if he should bring anything and Stiles declines the offer right away. Somehow, Stiles knows he'll bring something anyway.

 

* * *

 

Derek brings pie.

His presence is not unwelcome in the Stilinski household which is a little odd to Stiles. Derek and his dad joke around like they've experienced dinners like this before. Stiles wonders just how much his dad tends to leave out of their conversations when he calls.

Dinner is a quick affair. Everyone finishes their meals in relative quietness. The silence of the room is occasionally broken by a fit of small talk. Stiles thought the moment he brought Derek into the house, things would be awkward. But it's not awkward, it's almost like old times. Maybe even better.

They never really did things like this when they were in high school. Maybe it's the fact that they're all in college and have space to do and try new things. Something tells Stiles that the pack gets together on multiple occasions just to see each other and catch up.

Most of the pack stuck close to home. He knows Lydia's an exception as well as Jackson who is now overseas doing whatever the hell he wants. Lydia wasn't too bummed when they broke up. Stiles always had a feeling she knew that their relationship wasn't good for her. Even when Jackson came back the first time.

After dinner they move to the living room and Stiles dad is so content with the evening that he doesn't even blink when Stiles takes a beer. Scott shares the sentiment when his mom doesn't bat an eye either. Stiles momentarily wonders if they're so blinded by their love that they couldn't ruin the evening if they tried.

However, when he tries to go for another, Derek catches him and takes the can from him. He puts it back in the fridge and walks to the dining room to clean up the forgotten plates. Stiles doesn't like it when his guests feel the need to prove their invitation was worth it. So he helps Derek.

As he's carrying in a handful of plates, he almost bumps into the ex-alpha and drops them. This is the closest he's been to Derek since before he left for college. He has no control over his lungs as they suddenly stop taking in oxygen. He feels his heartbeat jump and blushes as he realizes that Derek must have heard.

He forgot how beautiful Derek actually was. Nothing has really changed about him in the past year. Except, everything kind of had. For some reason, Derek's face is easier to picture with a smile on it. When he scrunches his eyes he has these little crinkles that Stiles could look at for days.

His beard is fuller and neatly trimmed, not that it hadn't been before, but now it just seemed a little more put together. Like he had someone to impress. Maybe he did. Stiles wasn't very sure what was going on in Derek's life anymore. For the first time since he left, Stiles regrets closing the door on him.

Derek doesn't seem fazed by the silent examination Stiles had been giving him. He opts for taking the plates from Stiles and sticking them in the sink with the rest of the now soapy dishes. Stiles has a feeling that he should just tell Derek that he can take care of it on his own, but he doesn't really want to.

Derek washes while he dries. If he wasn't so caught up on the fact that this wasn't how he expected his night to go, he would realize how domestic it is. He would see that this is something he was missing. Something he might want in the future. What was the most mind boggling thing about it was that, he wasn't sure if Sarah was the person he wanted to do it with.

He really thought coming back to Beacon Hills would be the worst thing in the world. He would have to look at the people he once loved and see that their lives were better than he expected. But looking at Derek as he mindlessly talks about little things, like the weather or his new job at the bookstore in town, makes Stiles think that things didn't change all that much.

They finish up at a slow pace and Derek reveals that he has to go. Stiles suggests walking him out to his car and Derek accepts the offer. They haven't really talked about what they want to talk about. The thing Stiles knows Derek is craving to ask him. _Why did he walk away?_

Stiles realizes too late that Derek didn't actually drive over, he walked. Which means that he wanted more time to talk to Stiles without being interrupted. Stiles' heart starts pounding as they start walking down the street. He can tell Derek knows because he tenses up slightly. Stiles watches as his house disappears the more they walk down the road.

For some reason, the air escapes from his lungs and his feet are frozen to the ground. Derek doesn't notice right away but once he does, he turns around and raises his eyebrows. Stiles knows what that means. It means that he's totally having a panic attack without actually meaning to at the worst time possible.

"Stiles, breath," Derek says quickly, placing his hands on opposite sides of his shoulders. Derek shows him how and he follows slowly.

"Fuck," Stiles mutters as he eventually catches his breath again, "I'm so fucking sorry."

"It's not a big deal," Derek starts to say.

"No," Stiles winces, "I'm sorry about walking out on you."

"Stiles," Derek huffs.

"I want to give you excuses as to why I did what I did. Mostly because I thought I was really screwed up. Well, that was true. I was. Still am actually," He sighs and looks around the empty street, like he can find the words in the houses on the block.

"I don't-"

"Let me say this," Stiles interrupts, "I lied to you. When I said I didn't love you. I did. I was going to tell you that day. But then I saw you fixing your life and I just realized that I couldn't be a part of it. You didn't need someone like me to mess with what you were trying to build."

"I just could never understand why you shut me out like that," Derek says.

"I shut everybody out," Stiles shrugs like it was such a typical thing for him to do.

"I thought I was the one person you wouldn't have to do that to," Derek admits.

What Stiles thought before, about Derek being beautiful, it's still true. But talking to him about the realness of their situation, it shows what he does to Derek. How tired he makes him feel or how sad. He sees how his presences affects Derek in the worst way. And maybe it's because of what he did but he'll never be able to get over that.

"It's been really hard to connect with people since the... the Nogitsune. At college, people think they know me but I just put on this mask that hides all my insecurities," Stiles tells him. He remembers when he could tell Derek everything, "I started over. And not for the better. I haven't told anyone I'm bisexual. I only talk to people when I want to get drunk. I can't even tell my therapist that I'm afraid that I'm going to be possessed again. And I especially haven't told my girlfriend any of this."

Derek doesn't bat an eye at the mention of his love life. Something tells Stiles that he already knew. He probably talks to Scott or his dad about him without him knowing. He wants to be mad about it but it shows that Derek cared even when he was thousands of miles away. Even when Stiles didn't have the guts to come back and apologize.

"You can tell us," Derek offers, "We won't judge you."

"The pack probably hates my guts right now. I haven't talked to any of them since-"

"It's not important. You're family. They understand, Stiles," Derek shrugs.

"You have somewhere to be," Stiles says because he notices the way Derek is itching to keep walking.

"Nowhere too important," Derek says.

He wonders if Derek thought this was important enough to blow off whatever plans he had earlier. Well, he's gotten an answer since Derek did show up this evening. But he wants to know why Derek came to dinner when he didn't have to.

"I needed closure," Derek tells him which is a little confusing.

"Closure?" He asks.

"After you left, I didn't see anyone for a while either. But one day you wake up and it's just the right kind of day. I met someone," Derek explains and Stiles has to keep his mouth closed so he doesn't say something he'll regret, "It's really new. We're not that serious. But he understands that the last person I was in love with, kind of messed me up. He knew I needed to see you to make sure I didn't still have feelings for you."

"And the verdict?" Stiles asks quietly. He has to bite his tongue to keep himself from acting in a way he doesn't want Derek to see.

"I'm always going to love you, but I just don't feel that way anymore," Derek says honestly.

Stiles feels his heartbreak. He didn't even realize what being back in this position meant for him. He didn't know what being on the receiving end was like. But now, he knows exactly how Derek felt. Because Derek is admitting that he wants someone who can make him happy, unlike Stiles. Derek is saying that Stiles wasn't worth it.

"I'm glad," Stiles puts a fake smile on his face that doesn't reach his watery eyes. He doesn't even mind if his words come out as a lie.

"I should probably go," Derek says. Stiles nods and lets him walk away. It's like déjà vu again, only this time, it's worse.

And if Stiles goes home and cries into his pillow, well, no one has to know.

 

* * *

 

He doesn't realize he needs Lydia until she actually shows up, hitting him with a pillow till he eventually falls out of his bed. He puts on a grumpy face and fixes his bed head. She sits on his bed with poise as he picks himself off the ground and takes a seat next to her.

She looks as flawless as she normally does. College has made her grow up into a woman that doesn't need a man to be brilliant. She's radiant, even when she doesn't smile. The look she's giving him isn't one you want to be on the receiving end of. But this has happened so many times before, he's not really fazed anymore. 

"What are you doing here?" He asks, rolling his eyes at her glare.

"I heard you were moping," She says, picking at her nails with zero interest.

"I am not moping," Stiles denies. But seeing as she did just have to pull him out of bed, he has no leverage.

"Get dressed. I want lunch," She says, walking out of the room without a second glance.

When Lydia orders you to do something, you do it. You should never mess with the queen. It always ends badly. Not that Stiles has learned from personal experience... okay, that's exactly how he knows not to mess with Lydia Martin.

He pulls on some dark jeans and a old blue t-shirt that reads _stud muffin_ with a little animated muffin. He still finds these tees to be iconic. Also, it's not like he cares what the town of Beacon Hills sees him wearing. He'll be gone again soon enough and they'll all forget he exists.

There's distaste in Lydia's eyes when he finally comes out of his room after combing his hair just a little bit. She ushers him out the door once he says goodbye to his dad who is getting ready for his shift at the station. They get in her brand new Mazda Miata much to Stiles chagrin. He would much rather take the jeep to their little outing.

They end up at the local coffee house because it's early and Stiles is no where near dressed to go to an actual restaurant. But they're able to order coffee and sandwiches which makes them both happy. Lydia sips away at her mocha as Stiles twists his cup in his hands. He knows Lydia's going to talk but she doesn't seem to know when to do so.

"Is this about Derek?" She asks softly. Her threatening look has softened to something of understanding. She knows him too well.

Lydia's the only person other than Derek and him to know about what happened between them. His dad has no idea and he could never quite get the courage to tell Scott about it. He was a little afraid of what that could mean for Derek. He didn't want to screw with the hierarchy of the pack. Derek seemed pretty content with the position Scott had given him.

"Was it a mistake for me to come back here?" Stiles asks because he doesn't really want to talk about Derek yet.

Lydia looks at him sadly. She tried to convince him that there was nothing here for him. He would get sucked back into the same hole he was trying desperately to get out of. He didn't want her to be right, that's the thing. He was so sure that he could do this. Being in Beacon Hills shouldn't be some kind of chore. His dad was in Beacon Hills and so was his best friend.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks. Lydia may be intimidating but she'd never push Stiles to do or talk about something he didn't want to.

"Not really," He admits.

He realizes how mentally drained he feels. When he first arrived, the airport made him feel nostalgic. Nothing was wrong with the way he felt about coming home. Then dinner came around and he still saw nothing wrong with what he left behind. But then Derek had to get him alone and they just had to talk about things. That's what Stiles couldn't deal with.

"Derek doesn't love me anymore," Stiles finds himself saying anyway, "And I don't know why that hurts so much."

"It's because you still love him," Lydia sighs, reaching out a hand to intertwine with Stiles'.

"I thought I was getting over this. I don't want to feel this way forever," Stiles says desperately. He hates the way his heart aches and the way it feels like his lungs are about to collapse.

"Stiles, you haven't given yourself time to fully recover from everything that happened to you. A year is not enough time to heal. Sometimes it takes a lifetime," Lydia tells him, "But you ended things with Derek on a bad note. You need to fix it otherwise you won't be able to heal the way you deserve."

Stiles doesn't want to tell her what it felt like when Derek uttered those words. _I don't feel that way anymore_. He still feels numb. Like he's not actually breathing on his own but he needs help from some godawful oxygen tank. He doesn't want to tell her that he's broken because he lost something he didn't realize he wouldn't have forever.

"It hurt so much," Stiles whispers, "Hearing him say that he found someone else. That he loved me but not like that. I didn't know it was going to hurt like this."

He doesn't want to cry in front of Lydia Martin but he finds himself doing it anyway. She leaps from her chair and pulls him out of his and into a hug. This kind of affection from her was not uncommon between the two of them. They hashed out a lot of things together and would hug it out or even cuddle after crying too much. He knows he's lucky to have a good friend like her in his life.

They take their sandwiches to go and wind up back at his house. They sit on the couch in silence. Lydia sits up while Stiles lays his head in her lap. She combs her perfectly manicured fingers through his hair and that lulls him to sleep. This form of comfort is also not uncommon. He's at peace with himself for the time being.

When he wakes up, he hears his dad and Lydia conversing in the other room. He hasn't opened his eyes yet and almost wants to fall back asleep until he hears Derek's name. His eyes spring open and he does his best to listen in from his spot on the couch. It's pointless because he's not a werewolf and he walks to the kitchen instead.

Lydia and his dad stop talking when he enters the room. He gives them both a side eye and walks to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. Lydia stands against the counter with her arms crossed while his dad is on the opposite side of the room near the doorway. He's still in his uniform which means he must have just got home. Stiles wonders how long they were talking before he interrupted.

"Hey kiddo, how'd you sleep?" His dad asks, breaking the heavy silence.

"Fine," Stiles squints his eyes at how weird his dad is being.

"Well Stiles, I'm going to go see Allison for a bit. Do you want to come?" Lydia asks quickly.

"Depends. Are her a Scott on or off right now?" He asks. If they were taking a break, there was no way Stiles was going to be in the same room with his best friend's ex.

"They're on. Maybe for good this time," Lydia shrugs.

"Okay," Stiles nods.

They go over to the Argent's house. Chris Argent is away for the summer. He headed back to France once Allison was home to look over the apartment. Stiles remembers when the Argent's used to live in that big old house when they first moved to Beacon Hills. He understands the need to move after the loss of not just a wife and mother, but a sister, and a father as well. Despite the madness that came with the family, he understands.

"Stiles!" Allison is so surprised to see him she freezes in the middle of the room.

"Hi," He cringes as she steps forward to bring him into a hug. He knows it's been awhile. He also knows that he should probably have kept in touch with her because of the whole girlfriend of the best friend thing.

"I can't believe you're back," She continues, "It's really great to see you."

"The last time I saw you, Scott was dating Kira," Stiles says bluntly, "What happened?"

"Um... You don't know?" Allison asks.

He looks over at Lydia who looks down at her shoes. She obviously knows what happened and didn't relay the message.

"Kira and Scott broke up because Malia had feelings for her and Kira felt the same way," Allison explains, "They're still together."

"Wait, is Malia a lesbian?" Stiles asks because _woah_ , he had a fling with her.

"No, they're both bisexual," Allison shrugs.

"Like me," Stiles says slowly. He did miss a lot.

"Yeah," She nods although maybe she didn't know that. He wasn't as secret about Theo as he had been with the rest of his dating experiences in the past, but he never really came out to the pack.

"So how long have you and Scott been back together?" He asks.

"A while," Allison shrugs, "I went to France for a couple of months and came back to a different town. Scott's really getting the hang of this alpha thing. Especially with Derek coaching him through it."

Stiles' straight face drops to a frown at the mention of Derek. He knows that Allison noticed it but is grateful that she doesn't say anything. Lydia comes up from behind him and squeezes his wrist. She gives him a tight smile as she pulls him to the kitchen where Allison has coffee.

Drinking this much coffee in a day is definitely not uncommon, especially since he's a college student. He's pulled all nighters to write papers just on coffee. He's grown accustomed to just having it straight up which seems to always remind him of Derek, because that's the way he takes it.

Allison and Lydia talk offhandedly for a while. They don't urge Stiles to join their conversation and that makes him comfortable. He adds something here and there when he knows what to say. Suddenly the topic gets to the pack and he knows they're just trying to inform him of what he's missing.

Derek is done with the blueprints for the Hale house which is finally undergoing repair. Derek thinks they'll have to tear it all down because there's nothing left to salvage. Everyone else is actually positive about it and are taking renovations one step at a time.

Apparently Cora's back too and she's dating Isaac. They've been together for practically the whole year. They live in an apartment together near the community college where Isaac is taking classes. Cora isn't really interested in college, she has enough of her inherited money to last her whole life without lifting a finger. Stiles is happy for Isaac and even Cora. They managed to make something good out of all the pain they've experienced.

Danny and Ethan went to Europe with Jackson. Jackson is kind of MIA but makes himself known with a postcard or two. He's living his life far away from Beacon Hills and Stiles envies him for that. Apparently Aiden has been even more MIA than Jackson and hasn't told anyone where he's been the past year.

They don't talk about Derek other than to mention something that involves the pack. He has no idea what Derek does in his spare time other than work at the bookstore. Oh and then there's that other fact that he has a new boyfriend. Stiles is still bitter but he's trying to be the bigger man here.

Lydia eventually takes Stiles home. She's staying at a hotel but is going to stay with Allison since she's alone. Stiles appreciates their friendship. It's a lot like his and Scott's. They depend on each other when they're needed.

That's why, once Lydia's gone he calls Scott over and tells him everything. About New Year's Eve, his feelings for Derek, Derek's feelings for him, and what went down when he left. Scott takes it in strides and doesn't get mad about anything.

He's glad he has someone like Scott in his life. They're practically brothers now and Stiles just knows that things would be a lot harder without him. But Scott's all about forgiveness and being a leader. So he tells Stiles that he needs to confront Derek about this. That should make it better.

It doesn't.

 

* * *

 

Stiles drives into the preserve with the plan of giving Derek a piece of his mind. Well, he doesn't plan on yelling at him or anything. He's just got a lot of pent up emotions and anger seems like the one that's winning the most at this point. He has nothing to be mad about though.

Derek's working on the house like Scott said he would be. That's another thing, Stiles gave it a few weeks before he actually made the decision to see Derek again. In those weeks he reconnects with Isaac and Allison, the whole pack really. Which is how he knows Derek's schedule.

When he climbs out of the jeep, Derek is finishing hammering something somewhere, Stiles isn't really good with the technical terms. He's sweating from the obvious heat in the air since they live in California. Stiles has to take a deep breath and forget every fantasy that has just popped into his head.

"So you're not demolishing the whole thing," Stiles says first. He doesn't want to do a formal greeting because that's not something they ever used to do.

"Cora got me to see the good in it," Derek shrugs.

"Seems like fast work," Stiles mentions. The place really does look like it's undergone a lot. They've had a year to work with it.

"Werewolves don't get tired easily," Derek shrugs. Stiles has to let that fantasy go too because he can't handle any more tension between the two of them. "What brings you out here?"

"I need to talk to you," Stiles sighs, "I don't think we cleared enough stuff up before. I'd really like the chance to get everything out there."

"Okay," Derek nods.

Stiles paces back and forth in front of Derek as he tries to come up with what he wants to say. All that's coming to mind is the fact that he doesn't understand how Derek could get over him just like that. He still has those feelings, feelings that actually aren't that easy to get rid of. These kinds of feelings don't have an off switch.

He's stuck. Derek deserves the world, especially with the hand he's been dealt. But Stiles deserves happiness too, right? He'd been told so many times that what he did wasn't his fault and that no one blamed him. But if that was true, why couldn't he have what he wanted?

"Stiles, are you angry at me?" Derek asks, a little confused and slightly shocked.

"What?" Stiles asks in return. He'd been so caught up with the things in his head that he'd forgotten what was right in front of him.

He follows Derek's gaze to where his hands are clenched at his sides. Not to mention the fact that he paces when he's angry or upset or even confused; Derek knows that. Derek can tell that he's angry but what he can't understand is the why.

"You smell like so many different emotions," Derek says, "Sadness, anger, anxiety, arousal..."

Stiles closes his eyes at the last word. He does have all of those pent up emotions. Derek can probably tell that they're all about him too. Werewolves and their stupid noses. He breathes deeply and quietly until he can figure out how to go at this lightly.

"I am angry," Stiles agrees, "I'm angry about what you said the last time we spoke. It caught me off guard."

"What, that I'm dating?" Derek asks. Stiles can tell he wants to roll his eyes. He doesn't blame him. He's putting Derek in an uncomfortable situation.

"No," Stiles shakes his head, he tries to unclench his hands but he's still mad. How has Derek not figured it out yet?

"So my feelings for you then," It's not even a question. It's an understanding.

"Yes," Stiles whines.

"I don't know if you remember Stiles, but you left me. This isn't the other way around. You don't have a right to be angry that I moved on," Derek says with a slight growl to his tone.

"I don't?" Stiles asks incredulously.

"Were you expecting me to wait for you?" Derek scoffs.

"No, I was expecting you to fight for me," Stiles says and then the rest of what he's been feeling just comes tumbling out, "I know I didn't give enough reasons to go but you didn't give me any reason to stay."

"I told you I loved you!" Derek shouts, "Fuck, Stiles. I-I don't get why you didn't think that was enough."

"Because I loved you too and you didn't even realize it!" Stiles shouts back, "I lied to your face and you didn't hear my heart skip a beat. And it's not just because I'm a good liar. You let me go, Derek."

"You're the one who didn't call or text or contact me at any point. Why now?" Derek asks. His face is red and his eyes are watery. Stiles can tell he looks the same way. He doesn't want to fight Derek, every instinct he has is screaming for him to stop.

"Because I still love you, stupid," Stiles cries, "And no matter how hard I try to stay away from you, I just keep coming back."

"I'm sorry you're broken-"

"Are you? Or are you sorry you couldn't fix me?" Stiles asks. A stray tear drips down his cheek and he swipes it away quickly.

"Don't say that," Derek growls, "I wanted to help you. I wanted to be with you."

"And I wanted you to be happy," Stiles sighs, looking away while taking a deep breath, "But I can see that I don't make you feel that way. Because all we do is fight."

"Stiles-"

"This was a mistake. Coming back here. Thinking I could fix this. I just made it worse. I make everything worse," Stiles huffs, laughing sarcastically. That laughing turns into sobs that rack his whole body.

Derek swoops in and holds him when he feels like there's no ground left to stand on. He clutches Derek so hard because he's afraid to let him go. He used to be Derek's best friend, of course they had to ruin all that with feelings. He wishes things were much simpler than this. College was supposed to be easier.

Eventually, he does let go. He can't even look at Derek anymore. Even when Derek insists they sit down and talk about it, he can't. He walks to the jeep and doesn't look back because if he's faced with Derek one more time, he'll lose it all. He needs to let Derek go.

He wants to be better. The thing is, he'll need time for that to happen. Lydia was right, one year is not enough time to heal. He is broken and he doesn't want Derek to have to be the one to fix it. He can do this. There's no space to make it worse.

They'll come back to each other. They always do.

 

* * *

 

Stiles starts moping again, but this time it's worse. Derek doesn't see him as anything but some broken toy that he doesn't need in his life anymore. Stiles wishes he could change his mind on this but he knows it's pointless. They could be friends, if Stiles wanted to put in the effort but that just doesn't seem like enough anymore.

Lydia drags him out of the house most days because she won't let him become a hermit. He opts for wearing lacrosse shorts and old t-shirts because he can and doesn't feel like getting dressed up. He rarely sees anyone he knows in town and that might be Lydia's doing. She plans their evenings out perfectly.

Some days, they meet Scott and Allison and have a pseudo double date. Stiles would literally give anything to be in love with Lydia again. He had a ten year plan and that all but went down the toilet when his feelings for Derek came along. Lydia's a brilliant woman and he'd be lucky to have her. He'd be lucky to have anyone which is why this is so complicated because he does have someone. He has Sarah.

He talks to her daily. He feels bad about the way he plays this ruse like he's fine. Their relationship is nothing to be concerned about because they're both supposed to be happy and in love. Well, he does love Sarah. Not the way he thinks he should but he really cares about her. Which is why he hasn't shut her out completely.

One day when he's alone while Lydia hangs out with the pack, Stiles runs into some trouble. He doesn't know how it happens but one minute he's driving the jeep down the main streets in town and the next, he's crashing into someone. He thinks he passes out because the next thing he knows, he's in the back of an ambulance.

He can still see his jeep. It's not totaled, barely even has a scratch. It's a little dented but that's normal for an accident like this. The car he hit is a little dented too but again, nothing too serious. He notices a few cop cars surrounding the area and cringes when he notices his dad's cruiser. He waits a few more minutes before his dad actually greets him, shaking his head in disdain.

"What the hell happened?" His dad asks, concern written over his face. He's acting like his dad more than the sheriff right now.

"I don't know," Stiles sighs, "I guess I wasn't paying attention."

"They say you might have a concussion," His dad climbs up to take a seat next to him. He hands him a mirror to show him the damage. His face is fine except for a small bruise on his head and a split lip. He thinks he hit the steering wheel.

"I'll be fine," Stiles huffs. He rests his head on his dad's shoulder and they watch as a tow truck comes by to remove the cars from the scene.

"Come on, I'll give you a ride home," John says, patting him on the back.

"How much trouble am I in for this?" Stiles asks, following him to his cruiser.

"The woman you hit has decided not to press charges. Probably has something to do with you being my delinquent kid," He shrugs. He looks over at the woman who doesn't seem to have anything wrong with her either but the EMT is looking her over anyway.

"Hey dad, would you mind dropping me off at Scott's?" He asks.

His dad shakes his head and makes a gesture for him to get in the car. They don't talk much on their way. His dad mentions getting the jeep back and fixed as soon as he's able to. Stiles doesn't care that much since he won't be taking it back to New York with him.

When they pull up to the McCall residence, Stiles doesn't really take note of all the cars parked on the street. Melissa comes out of the house with a bright smile on her face as soon as she sees the two of them. They both get out of the car and the sheriff pecks her on the cheek because he can totally do that now.

Melissa is concerned when she pulls Stiles in for a hug and sees the bruise on his head. She starts checking him out but he assures her that the EMT did that already. That leads to him having to explain the car accident and how he just wanted to see his best friend. He could really use some relaxing time playing video games and eating junk food.

"Scott has some people over but I'm sure they wouldn't mind another," Melissa mentions as Stiles goes up to the house. She stays outside to talk to his dad for a while longer. It looks like she's headed to a shift anyway because she's in her scrubs.

Stiles walks right in because that's what he usually does. He assumes Allison, Lydia, and maybe a few of the others are around. When he walks into the living room calling Scott's name, he stops. The whole pack is there. Including the ones who have been absent for quite some time. That means Jackson, Danny, Ethan, and Aiden. He hasn't seen Malia and Kira but they're there too. He feels like he can't breathe.

"Stiles," Scott says, eyes wide. "Dude, what happened?"

"I uh," Stiles still can't breathe. Too many people. Too many nightmares.

"Come on," Scott takes him by the arm and drags him up the stairs. Stiles notices Derek eyeing him with concern as they go.

He sits Stiles on his bed and pushes his head between his knees. Scott's dealt with so many panic attacks that it doesn't even faze him anymore. He knows what panic attacks use which methods. So Scott can tell that this sort of panic attack requires him to put his head between his knees. He's so grateful to have a friend like Scott.

When it goes away, Scott takes a seat next to him and places a gentle hand on his knee and squeezes. He takes a deep breath as Scott removes the hand and swings his arm around his shoulders. Stiles is glad for the human contact. When they were kids this is exactly what Scott would do after they got through one of the attacks. Although, they used to cuddle a lot more than this. Stiles smiles sadly at the memory.

"Sorry," He whispers, "Too many people."

"Still bad in big crowds, huh?" Scott says sadly but rubs Stiles' arm in comfort.

"I thought I was getting better," Stiles says, looking down at his hands.

"Stiles, you've managed to put off all the things you've been feeling since you left. I don't think it's possible to get better from that," Scott admits.

"You know me, I just ignore the problem till it eventually goes away," Stiles snorts.

They fall back onto Scott's bed and just lay there for a while. Neither of them talk and for a while that's exactly what Stiles needs. Even without the werewolf powers, he's sure the others are listening in.

"Car accident," Stiles finally says, looking over at Scott who has his eyes shut. They open slowly as he takes in what Stiles is saying.

"Are you okay?" Scott asks.

"Honestly? No," Stiles smiles but it falls quickly. "I don't know what happened to me today."

"You have a lot on your mind," Scott shrugs.

"I talked to Derek," Stiles says suddenly. He doesn't care if they can hear him.

"I figured. I'm sorry I told you it'd make things better," Scott sighs.

"Have you met him?" Stiles asks, "His new boyfriend?"

"Yeah. He's a medical student. Works with my mom. I knew him before Derek," Scott nods.

"He's good for him, right? Makes him happy?" Stiles says quietly.

"Stiles-"

"I'm not sticking around for much longer, Scott. Trying to figure things out here is kind of pointless when I've got a life somewhere else," Stiles interrupts.

"It doesn't have to be that way. You guys could be friends again. You could be in the pack again," Scott pleads. That was another thing, Stiles told Scott when he left, he didn't want to be part of the pack anymore.

He liked his life without the supernatural shit added to it. He didn't have to worry about anything but his mundane problems. Like car accidents, for example. Anything could kill you and he'd rather it be something normal than something he had to fight his life for.

"It's not that easy, Scotty," He sighs.

"Nothing worthwhile ever is," Scott tells him. He hates the sadness in his best friends eyes. He wants more than anything to have it all, but some things he has to let go.

"I'm going to Sarah's parents place in a couple weeks. I'll be there for most of the rest of summer. I've got to move on, man. That's what everyone else is doing," Stiles says, explaining the whole situation.

"Okay. I'm not going to push you to do something you don't want to," Scott nods.

"Thank you," Stiles sighs in relief.

"Do you want to stay?" He asks.

"No I just needed to talk to you," Stiles shrugs. "I'm going to go home and take a nap. Do I smell like I have a concussion?"

"You smell perfectly healthy," Scott smiles but raises his hand to suck out some of the pain Stiles is still feeling in his head.

"At least you come in handy as my supernatural morphine dealer," Stiles mutters laughing softly as they both head downstairs.

Scott goes back in the living room while Lydia comes out to talk to him.

"No one was listening in," Lydia says softly.

"Did you threaten them?" Stiles asks, giving her a smile that's become reserved for only her, Scott, his dad, and Sarah.

"They respect your privacy, Stiles," Lydia sighs. She steps closer to him and runs her fingers on his bruise, "I can cover this up."

"Thanks Lyds," Stiles says, leaning into the arms that open up for him.

"I'll come over later tonight. I know you don't like to be alone when your dad's working the night shift."

"Okay," Stiles nods. There's no sense in arguing with her. He loves the company anyway.

He departs with a small kiss to his temple from her. He heads out the door and down the driveway. He has to walk home now since his dad's long gone. He doesn't want to bother Scott for a ride.

"Stiles!" He hears his name being called by the one person he doesn't want to talk to.

He turns around anyway and stands stock still. He's not sure what Derek wants to say to him but he doesn't know if he wants to hear it anyway.

"I really should be going," Stiles tries to get out of it, he even backs up a little but Derek grabs his wrist and holds in there.

"I'm sorry," He says, "I was a jerk before because I was still hurt. I haven't moved on, of course I haven't. You aren't someone that anyone could get over easily. But don't go again. Don't leave the same way as before because letting you go again will be the hardest thing I'll ever have to do."

"I'm happy that you're happy," Stiles says, "But I can't talk to you and act like I'm not dying inside. I know I don't deserve you and I'm selfish for leaving on my terms. Leaving you was the worst decision I ever made. It seems right this time though. You get to be happy with someone who can make you forget your past. Forget me."

"Stiles-"

"Scott was right. I need time to heal and that's exactly not what I'm doing when I'm here. That panic attack isn't a one time thing. I have them frequently. I have nightmares most nights. I see a therapist that supplies me drugs that make me feel... nothing. It's not a good time, Derek. It might never be," Stiles explains. It hurts to tell him to move on but he has to be the bigger person here.

"Take care of yourself, okay?" Derek looks defeated as he pulls Stiles into an unexpected hug.

"You too," Stiles whispers.

He feels Derek kiss his hair as he pulls away. He would give anything to just forget everything he just said and pretend that they were okay again. He would give even more to forget everything the Nogitsune put him through.

As he walks away from Derek this time, he looks back to see Derek rubbing his face. That gives him the little push he needs to keep walking away, without looking back.

And Derek's right, walking away the second time is probably worse.


	4. Fourth Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Stiles loses everything and moves back in with his dad while Derek gets engaged.

Stiles' sole reason for going back to Beacon Hills is because there's nothing left for him in New York. No girlfriend. No job. No career. His life has come to a downward spiral and the only thing he thinks will help is going back to the place he ran away from. Plus, his dad is there and having his dad around always seems to make things better.

So he moves back home with his tail between his legs. He tells his dad he dropped out of school because he didn't want to go into criminal law anymore. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do with his life really but he decides that coming home will supposedly help him figure that out. It'll be good to see Scott for more than just a few days every holiday or so, too.

He's missed Melissa. His dad and her got hitched last year. Stiles is glad they had a small ceremony and even complied to Stiles' no going to Beacon Hills rule. They dropped everything and got married in New York with just him, Scott, and Allison as witnesses. He couldn't ask for a better family. He couldn't ask for a better person to be brothers with either. Scott has been more than understanding through the past three years.

Stiles is back in Beacon Hills for the first time in three years and the first thing he does is go to a bar. He's twenty two now which means that he can actually get into a bar without needing to use a fake ID. Not that he used one often in the first place because having a cop dad could be a bitch.

He's surprised to see Isaac, Ethan, and Danny taking up a few bar stools when he first walks in. But now he's three beers in a he's conversing with them like he never left. It only took a good forty five minutes for him to get a buzz. He was always a lightweight but he was drinking the harder stuff, for a good reason.

That good reason walks into the bar twenty minutes later. He looks exactly the same and totally different all at the same time. He's older but he looks happier which is something Stiles doesn't want to think about when he's trying to get smashed. Well, trying is far past where he is at this point. He orders three shots and downs them all before Derek can even approach the bar.

"Stiles," He says softly.

"Derek," He nods a greeting and turns back to his other companions who are starting to seem a little uncomfortable.

"Your dad didn't say anything about you coming back," Derek continues. Stiles notes the fact that he doesn't say _home_. Because really, Stiles doesn't know what home is anymore.

"Why ruin the surprise?" Stiles winks at him, or well, tries to in his drunken state.

"Maybe you should head home," Derek suggests. He's concerned, that's cute.

"I'm good," Stiles smiles with all his teeth and orders another beer, because he can.

Derek takes a seat next to him and just sits there like the creeper Stiles remembers him to be. He joins in the conversation sometimes, mostly to talk to Isaac because Stiles doesn't talk directly to him after that. Eventually Ethan takes Danny home because he's having too much fun watching them try to play nice. Isaac leaves him alone with Derek too after awhile.

Stiles doesn't want to admit defeat in front of Derek which is why he's still on his bar stool. He wants to leave but he wants Derek to leave first. Or maybe he just wants to leave with Derek. He's not sure if the alcohol is supplying the arousing thoughts or if that's just his feelings for Derek doing their thing.

"It's been awhile," Derek mentions after a few minutes, maybe even ten, of silence.

"Remember when you almost died?" Stiles asks because of course that memory is coming to surface.

"Uh, your sophomore year of college?" Derek asks and Stiles doesn't even want to know how he knows which time he's talking about.

"Yeah," Stiles nods.

He doesn't say anything after that. He's not even sure why he's bringing it up. Oh, that's right. It's been _awhile_. As Derek just said. That's the last time Stiles remembers seeing or even hearing about Derek. All family and friends were never to speak his name while Stiles was finishing up college. Look how that turned out.

"I thought it was the end," Stiles chuckles, he looks over at Derek with watery eyes that he thinks are from the alcohol, "I rushed back here because I thought I was going to have to say goodbye."

"You came?" Derek asks.

"Scott said that witch cast a spell on you that made you as human as you'd ever been. Which to me meant, there was no way you were going to survive that one," Stiles ignores Derek and just lets it all come out, "I don't think you remember, you were so drugged up on morphine. I was just so scared of losing you when we weren't even talking to each other."

"I remember, vaguely," Derek says softly.

"I met your boyfriend, the med student. Turns out you were going to be just fine according to him," Stiles shrugs, "And that was it. That was the last time I saw you."

"Why'd you go?" He asks.

"Couldn't stay," Stiles sighs.

"Let me take you home," Derek says quietly. Stiles doesn't think there's room left for an argument at this point. He'd just confessed something to Derek that he'd been holding in for years.

He lets Derek drive him home. Scott's waiting at the doorstep. Derek hands him over for Scott to deal with. Stiles doesn't mind. He's not coming home to his dad who would be upset about his reaction to dealing with things. Scott on the other hand would nurse him back to, well, whatever health he could consider these days.

He ends up telling Scott everything he'd been hiding from him since he got back. The only person that knew everything was his dad. Okay, Lydia knew too just because she was there to experience it with him. It's easy to talk to his best friend, even easier when he's drunk and doesn't have a clue what's filtering out of his mouth.

Passing out after that is easy. His sleep is dreamless. Just the way he likes it.

 

* * *

 

Stiles gets up the next morning and has breakfast with his dad because Melissa's at work and Scott had some class to get to at the community college. He has one of the worst hangovers he's ever had in his life. It's a good thing his dad can't really judge him because of the way he first acted when Claudia died.

His dad just drops the bottle of ibuprofen in his lap and sets a plate of eggs and toast in front of him. He's happy to see that his dad isn't eating bacon or anything too unhealthy. He's had Melissa to back him up the entire time on that necessity. Melissa is exactly what his dad needed after his mom passed away. She was always around anyway and honestly, who wouldn't want the privilege to fall in love with her.

He tells his dad exactly that. They make the best team. Stiles doesn't know if he would have made it these past three years without them. Family has been a rock for him, it always has. He's got Lydia and Scott too. It's all he really needs, even if he wants more. His family worries about him a lot because of this. He's not as quick to make friends as he once was. Nobody blames him for that.

"I'm taking you to see a specialist," His dad tells him softly.

"You know, these therapy sessions haven't been helping me. No one understands me because I have to reserve myself when trying to explain my traumas," Stiles shakes his head and shoves some food in his mouth. He's so sick of having to talk to people who just don't know how to help him.

"Deaton referred me to this woman," His dad says, "She specializes in supernatural psychoanalysis."

"Really?" Stiles brightens up a little. He'd be able to actually tell someone what it was like to be possessed without being looked at like a crazy person. Someone who wouldn't send him back to Eichen House.

"I'm sorry we've put this off for so long, kid," His dad sighs.

"It's fine, dad," He waves him off.

"So Scott told me Derek Hale brought you home last night," His dad says after a few minutes of him briefly looking through the paper.

"I was hoping that was just a really bad dream," Stiles groans.

"You ever going to tell me what happened between you two?" He asks.

Stiles' fork clatters to the ground. He most certainly did not want to talk to his dad about his feelings for a werewolf. He's not even sure how his dad put two and two together. It's not like he goes around telling people about what it was like for him before college. How he and Derek used to be such good friends.

The only people that really know the truth about Derek is Scott, Lydia, and maybe Allison. He hasn't told any of his old pack members. They can infer all they want but he has never mentioned the fact that he was in love with the guy. There's no factual evidence unless Derek said something, which he sincerely doubts.

"Nothing happened," Stiles says in a clipped tone as he grabs his fork and leaves the dining room. He no longer feels like eating so the rest of his food goes in the trash while his plate goes in the sink. His dad follows him, much to his dismay.

"You're my son," His dad says, rolling his eyes, "I know when you've got feelings for someone. Remember Lydia Martin?"

"I was hopelessly in love with Lydia and I told everyone about it," Stiles scoffs.

"Which is why I never understood this reserved thing you had with him," His dad throws his hand out in a way that says _see_ , as if to make a point.

"It's not a thing. It was never a thing," Stiles spits. He hates how Derek is the number one topic all the time.

"So you aren't upset about the engagement?" The sheriff asks.

Stiles tenses up. Some part of him knew that there was no way Derek could be unattached after the past three years. He sought out a life for himself. Rebuilt his house, his pack, his love life. Stiles was stupid to think otherwise.

"Engagement," Stiles breathes lowly.

"You didn't know?" 

"No," Stiles sighs, he can't breathe.

"Stiles, what did you think was going to happen when you came back here?" His dad asks, trying to get his son to look at him.

"I thought I had time," Stiles laughs sarcastically.

"Derek's happy. Happier than I've seen him since before the fire. Even then, I don't think he was this happy," His dad tells him, "Now, don't tell me that you're going to screw this up for him."

"I love him, dad," Stiles says clearly, "I haven't stopped loving him since... I can't even remember when."

"Stiles," He sighs, "You need to let this go. If it was meant to be-"

"He would have figure it out by now," Stiles finishes. He closes his eyes and leans his head against the wall. "Why does this have to be my life?"

"Hey, things are going to get better from here, Stiles. Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can achieve everything," His dad says, clapping him on the shoulder.

Stiles rubs his face and lets out the most pained nose he's ever heard, "I need to call Lydia."

"I'm going to the station pretty soon. If you need me, call."

He nods in affirmation to his dad as he takes the stairs two at a time. When he gets on the phone with Lydia, she tells him going back to Beacon Hills alone was a bad idea. She wants to take the first plane out to see him but she has classes and Stiles doesn't blame her. He picked the worst time to have a mental breakdown that resulted in him leaving New York behind.

It's nice just to talk to her though, he needs that comfort from her. Scott's always going to be his best friend and brother, but Lydia holds a special place in his heart. He loves her just as much as he loves his dad which is... a lot. He'd do anything for her and not in that creepy way he would have when he was _in_ love with her.

She promises to come over the weekend for a quick trip because sometimes, they needed to make necessary sacrifices for each other. Stiles would go see her instead but he doesn't exactly feel like leaving his bed any time soon. So he talks to her for as long as she's available, which means she takes time out of her busy schedule to sit on the phone with him for hours.

Lydia knew about the engagement. She was part of the pack, she knew a lot of things. But because Stiles refused to hear about anything that didn't involve his immediate family, she didn't tell him anything he didn't want to hear. Now he's not so sure if he likes the rule he had in place. He's definitely too late now.

 

* * *

 

When his first session with his new therapist comes around, he makes Scott come with him. Scott knows a lot about the therapy he's had over the past few years. He also knows about the drugs. He isn't able to take Adderall when he's on the other medication so it makes him really antsy and nervous. Scott's a great person to bring along when you need relief though.

He holds Stiles' hand and whispers words of encouragement as his foot bounces up and down as they wait. When he's finally invited into the office he goes willingly but not without a push from Scott first. His best friend assures him that he'll be outside the office the whole time. That's exactly what Stiles needs to hear to let the door shut behind him.

He takes a seat on the couch and looks around the room. It looks like the countless offices he's been in before. Very clean and pristine, like no one actually uses the room. His doctor, who is a woman, isn't looking at him as she scribbles something down into her notepad. Stiles rubs his hands up and down his thighs because they're starting to get clammy from sweat.

"Mr. Stilinski, I am Dr. Walker," The woman in front of him says, finally raising her head, "I don't sense that you are a supernatural creature. Why are you here?"

"Well, my best friend's boss referred me to you because he said you deal with Supernatural trauma," Stiles says slowly. He hopes he doesn't get kicked out for not being a werewolf or something.

"So you're the boy who runs with wolves," She thoughtfully admires. Does he have some big reputation that he had no idea about?

"I don't do that anymore," Stiles says, looking down at his hands.

"Because of the trauma," She nods. She gets it without him having to say anything. He feels relieved for the first time in forever that he doesn't have to explain everything again, live it all over. "What happened to you?"

"A lot of stuff. I just couldn't really deal with it anymore," Stiles shrugs.

"Can you be more specific, Stiles?" She asks. This is the part he doesn't like.

"Things just kept piling up. A human shouldn't have to experience an alpha wolf killing people, a kanima killing people, a darach killing people, an alpha pack... I shouldn't have to deal with myself killing people," Is that point Stiles is trying to get to.

"Nogitsune," She says softly. He doesn't know how she knows but it doesn't really frighten him. "There's a darkness around your soul. It left a mark on you."

"Everyone keeps telling me that I shouldn't blame myself but... I don't know who else there is to blame. It used my body. I couldn't overcome it, which is why it's my fault. I watched pain and suffering that happened at my hand," Stiles tells her. It comes so easily. Normally it takes weeks to get to this point of progress. Something about her just calms him and doesn't let him stop talking.

"You shouldn't blame yourself," She says.

"Easier said than done," Stiles huffs, running fingers through his hair, another nervous tick.

"Is it? Or is the problem that you've let everyone else forgive you but yourself?" She says calmly. Her eyes are blank as she stares at him with her questions. She's the first person who has ever told him something like this.

"I-I don't know-"

"Mr. Stilinski, it is okay to feel like you were useless. There's nothing you could have done to stop what was happening to you. The Nogitsune is not something you overcome, it's something that controls you. You should take a minute to think about what may have happened if it had gotten to someone more powerful than you," She says.

"I've never thought about it that way," He admits.

He can't imagine the damage if the Nogitsune had gotten to a werewolf. He's a clever human but he doesn't have a killing instinct like they do. Even it getting to Lydia would have been bad. She's the wailing woman, she basically calls for death. That wouldn't have been good at all.

He can't believe his problems have simpler answers than he first thought. He continues to talk to Dr. Walker. They don't get past the Nogitsune and into other problems that he's facing but he's made a lot of progress in one session. He feels good about this one.

"I feel like I can't breathe," Stiles admits before she lets him go.

"That's just a feeling and it will go away eventually. You need to let yourself breathe," She says gently.

She gets up and walks him to the door. She places a hand on the small of his back and guides him halfway through the waiting room before departing with a nod and a, "See you next week." Scott scrambles to meet him and they walk out the door together.

"Dude, I couldn't hear anything. It was like the room was soundproof," Scott says as they walk back to the jeep.

"That's good. You didn't need to listen, Scott. I'm okay," Stiles says, "Really okay."

"That's awesome, Stiles," He smiles.

They go back to Scott's apartment that he shares with Allison and order pizza. While they wait, they catch up. There's a lot of things that they don't really discuss over the phone. Stiles loves the animated way Scott talks about his life.

Then, at some point when the conversation is dull, Scott pulls out a small velvet box. Stiles already knows what it is before he opens it up and shows the beautiful diamond ring inside. Stiles isn't even sure how Scott could afford a ring like that. Well, it's about damn time that he finally proposes. Him and Allison have been together, with no breaks, the past four years.

"This is amazing, Scotty," Stiles says, smiling genuinely, biting is lip, and tackling Scott into a hug.

"She hasn't said yes yet," Scott snorts.

"She will," Stiles shakes his head, "I'm really happy for you, bro."

"This is going to happen for you one day, Stiles."

"I don't know, Scott. I've just about given up on love," Stiles sighs and lays back on the couch.

Scott lets him put his head in his lap and strokes his hair gently. He had a long day and Scott knows it. He's talked enough and he doesn't really want to talk anymore. Scott understands that too.

So they don't talk, they relax while Scott plays with his hair. He falls asleep easily like that. And when he wakes up, he's alone, it's dark, and there's a blanket covering him up so he's not cold.

He'll never stop saying that he has the best family in the world.

 

* * *

 

Lydia pays a visit like she said she would and it becomes a regular thing. Weeks pass and the November air quickly moves to December air. It gets colder and Stiles doesn't mind that. He's used to colder temperatures because he spent so much time in New York. He misses it a little sometimes but he's good where he is for now.

He hasn't seen Derek since he showed up in Beacon Hills but he talks about him to Dr. Walker. She doesn't judge him for his feelings. All she does is try to understand why Stiles comes back after pushing him away. He would really like to know why he does that too. Stiles also tells her about the scars.

He doesn't talk to anyone really about the scars underneath his clothes. They got a lot worse as the years of high school passed. Every supernatural creature he came across left him damaged in one way or another. The Nogitsune had left a mental scar, but everything else left physical ones. It became a thing he just hid from everyone.

When he dated Sarah, he told her that the scars were from a car accident. He could never tell her the truth about anything. He never felt ready enough to admit the things he went through, the life he once lived. She believed him though and she didn't mind the scars. Other people before and after her, don't seem to mind either. He's built it up in his head, the ugliness he feels.

One day, he gets the courage to show Meredith - Dr. Walker and he have advanced to a first name basis. It makes him feel more comfortable to talk to her as a friend than someone who's trying to fix him. Most of the scars are small and take up spaces on his chest, which is what he shows her. He has some on his arms and legs too but those are bigger and not something he wants to get into yet.

She talks to him like his scars are a strength. He doesn't know how to really comprehend that because whenever he looks at them all he sees is weakness. But she goes on and on about survival. So, he gets it. He should look at those scars and look back to what he was facing and think about how he didn't die. He moved on from what he had to deal with. He healed.

He gets out of that session and feels like a weight has been lifted from his back. Scott smiles when he sees him because Stiles smiles at him first. It's the first time he's come out of a session with relief and happiness at the front of his mind. It's working, whatever she's doing to him. He hasn't felt like this in forever.

Which is why it all has to go to shit.

He's at this nice restaurant waiting for his dad. It's been weeks since he's finally cleaned up and gotten into something other than sweatpants and oversized sweatshirts. He's wearing khakis - his go to leg wear - and a nice button up shirt. His dad and him don't normally go out to eat to places like this but they thought a treat would be nice.

He's fiddling with the menu and running his finger along the top of his wine glass, while he waits. His dad is supposed to be on his way from work but something tells Stiles that he got caught up. He's waiting for that text that says he's not going to make it. He stares at his phone for a while and isn't surprised when he does get the text asking for a rain check.

He calls a waitress over and asks for the bill for his wine. While he waits he messages Scott to see if he wants to hang out. It's not like he'll say no even if he's doing something. Since Stiles came back, no one liked to leave him alone. He was always in good company whether it was Scott, Allison, his dad, or Melissa. And on occasion, Lydia.

When he looks up to see if the waitress is coming back yet, he sees Derek. He's got his hand intertwined with the attractive med student he'd met a few years back and they're heading towards him. It looks like that med student is the one pulling Derek towards Stiles' table and suddenly he wants to crawl up in a hole and die.

"Stiles, right?" He asks. And Stiles for the life of him, cannot remember his name.

"Yeah," He nods.

"I'm David. I don't know if you remember me but I was one of Derek's doctors when you came to see him a few years back," He says.

"I remember," Stiles nods. He glances at Derek quickly who is looking anywhere but at him. It's good to know that he's not the only one who feels awkward about this.

"Are you on a date?" Derek suddenly asks, meeting his eyes.

"No, uh, dad got held up at the station. I'm leaving once I get the bill," Stiles says softly. He doesn't know how to say that he hasn't dated or doesn't plan on dating in the near future.

"You should stay, have a drink with us," David says.

"I don't think that's-" Derek starts to say.

"Thanks for the offer but I have plans with Scott," It's not a lie. Scott finally got back with him and said he could come over if he didn't mind seeing Isaac too. Stiles doesn't mind, actually. He happens to like Isaac these days.

The waitress comes back with his bill and he quickly slips her some money and tells her to keep the change. He bolts out of there without so much as a goodbye to Derek or his fiancé. He fast walks through the parking lot to get to the jeep.

"Stiles! Wait up," Derek calls from behind him.

He won't stop moving and he doesn't dare look back. What he needs is to go home and barricade himself in his childhood bedroom. He doesn't need to know what will happen if he stops moving his feet or if he just glimpses back for a moment. He already knows what doing that will entail. Pain. He's not ready to put his heart on the line, not now, maybe not ever.

"Stiles!" Derek calls again and for some reason, he does stop.

It's the single most worst decision he's ever made in his life. Turning around may be the second. But he lifts his eyes and sees this attractive man that he hasn't been able to get out of his mind and those decisions suddenly don't seem as bad. Derek has this look in his eyes like he's trying to convey what he needs to tell Stiles without words, because that has always been his thing.

"What, Derek?" Stiles finds himself asking. If he has to stay in that goddamn parking lot any longer, he's going to scream. He actually doesn't know why he hasn't yet.

"Would you just stop and talk to me?" Derek asks. That should be something he should never have to ask Stiles. Stiles used to tell Derek everything.

"What do you want me to say?" Stiles sighs. He knows what he wants to say, but there's no way he'll ever say it. Not unless it's what Derek wants to hear.

"I want you to tell me that you're okay," Derek says. Stiles has a moment to think. Instead of thinking about his answer, he thinks about the way Derek looks.

When Stiles and Derek were friends, Derek would never be caught in something so _fashionable_ , for lack of a better word. But as Stiles looks at his former friend, he notices the long black peacoat, framing Derek's whole body. He notices the glint of his silver wristwatch in the light of the moon. He notices his fancy loafers that Stiles would never have imagined in Derek's closet. He notices the engagement ring. Derek is a whole new person and Stiles hadn't even realized it. The werewolf traded in claws for Gucci.

And suddenly, Stiles has found his answer, "No, Derek. I'm not okay," He says softly.

Derek takes a step closer and Stiles puts a hand up and backs away. He doesn't want this Derek. He wants the Derek who coached him through his sexuality crisis. He wants Derek Hale, the guy who slammed his head into steering wheels and his body into doors. This Derek, the one standing in front of him, was a stranger.

"My girlfriend dumped me because she couldn't deal with me being bisexual. My boss fired me because my school schedule became more important to me than my work one. I flunked out of my last year of schooling for criminology and I haven't even told my dad," Stiles tells him. He doesn't know why all the information about the past year of his life is flowing out of him but it is. It's like a dam has burst and he can't close it because the pain just won't stop.

"I shut you out of my life because I couldn't stand to have you in it," Stiles looks into Derek's pitiful gaze and the words just keep coming, "I'm so fucked up. I don't know where my life is going. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I'm so pathetic! I thought coming back here, seeing you, would just clear all that up."

Derek is speechless, but he knows Stiles better than anyone else does. Which is why he doesn't rush to his side for comfort or give him words of encouragement. The way Stiles and Derek used to work was through silence and banter. It was the only thing that made Stiles feel normal anymore and in that moment, he was suddenly back in high school again. Derek was listening to his problems instead of trying to fix them.

"But I come back here and I find out you're engaged. When I came to visit three years ago, I had no idea how serious you were about that guy. I thought I still had a chance to get my shit together. But I realize what a fool I was to think something like that," Stiles continues. He just can't stop and Derek is ready to have his say now. But Stiles isn't done yet.

"I'm sorry, Stiles," Derek says, running his fingers through his hair, "But you're right. You walked away from me. You cut me out of your life like it was nothing."

"It was everything, you idiot!" Stiles exclaims, "I stopped talking to you because I couldn't let myself have you. After the Nogitsune, I was damaged. I still am damaged from all of that. The things I did, they took a toll on me. I just wanted you to be happy without me."

"I am happy, Stiles," Derek tells him and it's probably the worst thing he's ever heard, "David is great. He's funny, charming, intelligent, and he makes me happy. I have waited so long to feel something like this again."

"I don't want to be one of those guys that says, _pick me over him_ but Derek, I want you to pick me over him," Stiles admits, "because I love you and I have loved you since before I even knew what it meant to love someone. We kissed that one time and I know there was nothing more to it than that but-"

"We had sex, Stiles," Derek sighs. It makes Stiles freeze. He has this ghost of a feeling as Derek looks at him. He can feel the way it was to be touched with such... gentleness.

"What?" Stiles has to ask. But he remembers. He thought he was just having some weird fantasy that one time in his college dorm room, even though it felt real. Even though deep down, he knows it happened. He refused to let himself believe that it did.

"New Year's Eve four years ago," Derek says, looking at Stiles as if he's desperate for him to remember.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Stiles suddenly asks, because Derek had multiple opportunities.

"I was going to, but you were so freaked out by the idea. I wanted to tell you so many times but you made me promise that we'd never talk about it ever again," Derek says and now he looks like the Derek from way back when.

"That was my first time and you don't think I had the right to know?" Stiles asks, he's a little angry. Actually, he's full on furious, but mostly at himself, "You knew I was a virgin!"

"I know. I took advantage of you. But I wanted to be with you Stiles," Derek says, walking towards him. He doesn't do anything to stop Derek.

"Then pick me," Stiles says desperately.

He reaches out and tugs on Derek's coat to pull him closer. Their lips move softly together and Stiles feels that spark. The 3...2...1 _BAM_ spark that he has never been able to get out of his head. Here he is, 100% sober and Derek Hale is pulling away.

Stiles has felt pain before. He has felt pain watching his mom die. Watching people he cared about die. He felt other people's pain as he watched the life drain out of their eyes when he was possessed by the Nogitsune. But no pain has felt as bad as it does this time as Derek looks down and backs up just a step.

"I can't," He says.

The life drains out of Stiles as he watches the man he loves, walk away. He walks back to his life with this guy who has just now made an appearance outside of the restaurant. Stiles wanted more than anything to leave that parking lot but he watches Derek and suddenly he can't seem to move.

 

* * *

 

Derek feels bad about what happened between him and Stiles. He feels even worse because he can't stop thinking about the kiss they shared. He hasn't kissed Stiles since high school but it felt exactly the same as before. That spark was still there, it was even more powerful now. Derek also can't stop thinking about that night. Because the sex with Stiles wasn't as good with anyone else and he hated to admit that to himself.

Scott and him are walking through the park because Scott's become his go-to guy when he needs to talk. Plus, Scott's his alpha and as the alpha he likes to know everyone's problems to see if he can help at all. He wants everything out in the open about Stiles because he certainly can't talk to his future husband about it. David may be confident in everything else he does but there are still insecurities about his relationship with Derek.

He doesn't know how it happens but with his luck, it doesn't surprise him. Stiles and Lydia are sitting on a bench in the park only about twelve feet away. Derek pulls Scott to duck behind a bush but the alpha rolls his eyes and stays where he's at. Derek feels silly for hiding so eventually he comes out. Lydia and Stiles aren't even paying attention to them.

He didn't know Lydia was back in town. He feels even worse about what he did to Stiles when he sees the tears running down his face. Lydia does her best to comfort him and Derek wants to listen in to the conversation but that's intruding on a whole new level. He doesn't deserve to know what Stiles is so upset about. That thing is probably him anyway.

"He told me his girlfriend dumped him because he's bi," Derek tells Scott as they watch Lydia lean her head against Stiles and whisper into his ear.

"He told you that too, huh?" Scott sighs.

Derek isn't sure what that's supposed to mean. He doesn't think Scott is upset about the fact that he told Derek things about his life. Maybe Scott is mad that Stiles wanted to confide in someone other than him. He feels increasingly bad as he looks over to Scott who just looks sad.

"Sarah knew Stiles was bisexual before she even met him. When Stiles moved to New York he had a bit of a reputation. Sarah didn't mind when they dated," Scott tells him.

"That doesn't make sense," Derek shakes his head. Why would Stiles lie?

"Their relationship was good for the first year they dated. Stiles was at least a little happier, but it wasn't working between them. They fought a lot. Stiles would call me and I could tell he was just so tired," Scott says.

"So why didn't he break up with her?"

"No one knows this except our parents and Lydia because she was there when Stiles had his freak out, he just told me when he got back a few weeks ago," Scott sighs, "He was going to break up with her but then he found out she was pregnant, with his kid."

"What?" Derek asks, he looks over at Stiles who is still sobbing into his hands while Lydia just holds him.

"He decided to stay with her for the sake of their baby. He didn't want the kid going into a broken home so they put aside their differences. Stiles was ready to marry her," Scott rubs a hand down his face like he's trying to hold in his emotions. Derek can smell the saltiness of tears. He doesn't understand what went wrong. "But she was seven months in and she had a miscarriage."

"Oh my god," Derek murmurs.

"Stiles doesn't talk to anyone except Lydia about it. He knew it was a girl and he still carries the goddamn ultrasound picture around in his wallet," Scott wipes away a stray tear that escaped his eye. "Lydia lets him cry about it once a day."

Derek gets it now. Stiles isn't crying because of him, well maybe he is a little but this is about his baby. Derek feels like an even bigger dick for the way he treated Stiles. He wants to go over there and hold him till he knows he's going to be okay.

"He hasn't been the same these past few months. He lost his job and flunked out of school. He won't even tell his dad about it," Scott says.

Scott makes them leave and that's okay with Derek, he can't bear to watch Stiles in so much distress. He's always cared way too much about Stiles for his own liking. He goes home, home is the Hale house again. He finds comfort in it even though it also brings back painful memories.

David is home when Scott drops him off and he knows he has to stop avoiding him. When he walks into the house, David is at the dining room table with binders of wedding stuff spread out around him. They've been engaged for three months but his fiancé is delving into their wedding plans every chance he gets.

David knows about Derek. He knows everything. About the werewolf side and the tragic back story. When he told him, he had to be really sure that it was the right thing to do for him and his pack. David didn't even bat an eye, and said he already kind of knew something was different about him. It was so much like Paige that it almost broke Derek's heart.

"Did you talk to Scott?" David asks, looking up at him after setting aside what he was looking into for decor ideas.

"Yeah," Derek nods, pulling up one of the chairs so he's facing his fiancé.

"Is everything okay?" David asks, reaching out a hand to intertwine with Derek's.

"He just told me something that Stiles has been going through," Derek says softly. David doesn't know Stiles is the guy who broke his heart, but sometimes he thinks David does know.

"Poor kid," David sighs, "Seems like he's been through a lot."

David doesn't know about the Nogitsune. It's something no one in the pack talks about. But Derek suddenly wants to tell him, yes. He's been through more than you could imagine.

"Lydia's back," Derek mentions. David knows Lydia through the pack but Derek thinks she keeps her distance from David for Stiles' sake.

"She cares a lot about Stiles. I'm surprised they aren't together," David comments, looking back down at some of the binders and picking up something to show Derek.

"He used to be so in love with her in high school," Derek sighs.

"What happened?"

"He met someone else."

Well, that's not exactly true. He came out as bisexual and met multiple someone's. Then he fell for Theo who broke his heart. And finally that whole drunken night on New Year's happened between them. That's when Stiles stopped being in love with Lydia.

"You know, I think I'm going to go over there," Derek says kissing David's head as he stands up. "I need to apologize for the other night. We got in a fight and-"

"You don't have to explain it to me," David smiles softly, "Go."

Derek takes the Camaro to the Stilinski-McCall residence. The sheriff's cruiser is in the driveway as well as the jeep and Lydia's Mazda. Once he's out of his car, he contemplates foregoing the front door and heading to Stiles' window like the good old days. But he hasn't done that since him and Stiles were on good terms and he's sure Stiles wouldn't appreciate an intrusion like that.

So he walks up to the front door and knocks. He wishes it were Stiles that opened the door but it's not. Even seeing Lydia would make this friendlier than it actually is. Instead, John Stilinski, who is out of his uniform and casually dressed, greets him with a serious look.

"Derek, I think it's best if you stay away from him for a while," John sighs, keeping the door partially closed behind him.

"I just need to talk to him-"

"Nothing you say is going to make things better," He says. "He's hurt, son. The best thing for both of you is to just keep your distance."

"Scott told me about the miscarriage," Derek says. "I just- I want him to know that I'm sorry."

"I'll relay the message. Take care of yourself, okay? You've got your own life to look after. A wedding to plan," The sheriff reaches a hand out a squeezes Derek's shoulder. It does little to comfort him as he walks away.

That's a common theme between him and Stiles. The ebb and flow of leaving and coming back.

 

* * *

 

Stiles is sick of it. The way he feels about being home is bruising his ego more than it was when he was in New York. He doesn't really see what's left here. There's a life that he wants to go back to but he knows it's not good for him. So he's made his decision, with the help of Meredith.

He drives the jeep over to the Hale house. He knows Derek's fiancé is at the hospital so he doesn't have to worry about someone else hearing or interrupting their conversation. This is something he has to put an end to and he knows exactly why it didn't work before.

Derek is outside, doing some yard work when he parks the jeep and gets out. He looks more like the Derek he's used to. He's wearing a black Henley and worn out jeans. Stiles is wearing a light jacket because it is actually cold. Werewolves run naturally hot though.

"Stiles," He all but drops what he's doing when he hears the familiar heartbeat.

"This needs to stop," Stiles says.

"What?"

"I can't be in love with you for the rest of my life. I need to move on and you're making it impossible!" Stiles sternly says to him. 

"What am I doing that makes it so hard? You're the one who keeps coming back. Who keeps trying," Derek argues.

"You know why I keep coming back? It's because you never let me go," Stiles says.

Derek knows it's true.

"Never once have you told me that it was okay for me to move on," Stiles continues, "That's why I keep coming back to you."

"Stiles I don't want you to-"

"Look me in the eyes, Derek and tell me you don't love me. Not even a little," Stiles says, coming so close to Derek that his scent is intoxicating.

"I'm not in love with you," Derek tells him but Stiles looks at him with the shake of his head.

"I'm no werewolf Derek but you have a tell when you're lying," Stiles says quietly.

"I-I moved on, Stiles," Derek says.

"I know. Which is why I need to go. For real this time. And I need you to tell me that it's okay," Stiles says, cupping the back of Derek's neck.

"I want it all," Derek admits, "I want you and I want him. I don't want to lose you over this."

"But you know that's not fair to me. That's not fair to either of us," Stiles whispers.

"You're not coming back this time?"

"No matter how much it kills me," Stiles nods.

Derek nods and though he's engaged, he leans in and presses his lips to Stiles'. It's the most gentle kiss they've ever shared. It should feel desperate but it just feels like a goodbye. Stiles breathes it in before they part. They don't distance themselves for a few minutes.

Stiles' hand is still firmly wrapped around Derek's neck. There foreheads are pressed together as they just breathe in the same space. Stiles lifts his head first but is the second to open his eyes. He looks at Derek with a sad smile on his face. It's one of those smiles that tells him that he doesn't want to let go.

"You need to find someone," Derek says, "This isn't it for you."

"It might be," Stiles shrugs, "I wouldn't be too mad if it were."

"Don't be me, Stiles," Derek says softly. "I'm letting you go. Be happy."

"I'll try," Stiles nods.

He does let go of Derek after that. He takes a deep breath when he turns around.

"If you're ever in New York, don't be a stranger," Stiles says before he gets in the jeep. The least he owes Derek is to let him know he's going back.

Leaving this time, doesn't seem as hard. If him and Derek are ever meant to be, it's time Derek chases after him for a change.


	5. The Last Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where they find their way back.

Stiles is walking to the door to his apartment with too many things in his hands while he's fumbling for his keys. He's not even paying attention to his surroundings. But he hears someone else in the hallway with him.

"Cora, I'm fine. I just got here. I'm just getting the last box in the apartment," The guy huffs from the opposite end of the hallway.

Stiles knows coincidences happen, but not to him. There's not many people in the world named Cora and there's certainly not many people with a voice like that.

He looks over and drops his keys when he sees him. It's been five years. Five years of finishing his college degree in writing. Getting a job as a journalist for the local newspaper. Countless bad hookups and dates. And here is the person he hasn't seen or heard from in those five years.

"Derek," He says in disbelief.

Derek meets his eyes and smiles. Everything falls into place as Stiles drops his satchel and the folders in his hand and runs into the arms of Derek Hale. He feels the surprise in Derek's body when he doesn't hug him back at first. Maybe Derek wasn't expecting a nice greeting from him.

When they part Stiles laughs and takes Derek's hand and spins him around so he can get a good look at him. Derek's in his early thirties now but he looks just as good as he did before. He's not as rough around the edges and that may have to do with him finding his place in the pack.

Derek doesn't have the alpha body anymore. He didn't really have it five years ago either. He's still fit but Stiles doesn't see his muscles bulging out from his t-shirt. He notices the absence of a ring on Derek's left hand and is a little relieved. It's not like he thought Derek would come to New York with a fiancé but the last time he saw him, well, Derek was a little tied up.

"What are you doing here?" Stiles asks.

"I decided to move back. I always liked it here with Laura," Derek shrugs.

"Any other reason?" Stiles asks, biting his lip nervously.

"Why don't I tell you about it over dinner?" Derek suggests.

"Come to my place. I'll cook," Stiles smiles.

"Twenty minutes sound good?"

"Perfect," Stiles nods, heading back to pick up his fallen office supplies. He gets the right key and opens his apartment door while Derek does the same.

He stops for a minute before he slips inside.

"What a coincidence, you moving into the same apartment building as me," Stiles comments with suspicion.

"Yeah, a coincidence," Derek grins, slipping inside his own apartment.

Derek does show up twenty minutes later and that gives Stiles enough time to start dinner and get out of his work clothes and into something casual. Derek comes by with a bottle of wine and slightly damp hair. Stiles would have loved to have had the time to jump in the shower after his long day at work.

Derek takes a seat on one of the bar stools in the kitchen so he can watch Stiles cook. Stiles has always been the chef of his family and he took more consideration of his skills when he started getting his life back together. Meredith Walker isn't his therapist anymore, she referred him to a close friend in the city who he goes to now. His new therapist said cooking is a good stress reliever, so he likes it.

Cooking and talking to Derek is easy. Derek asks about his job and Stiles tells him what it's like to be a journalist. Honestly, it's a little exhilarating. He doesn't get that same adrenaline rush he got when he was in a pack of werewolves, fighting for his life, but it's amazing to be on the scene. They let him go places to get stories, it's not a boring desk job at all.

He never knew this about Derek but apparently he has a degree in history. One of the reasons Derek picked New York to come back to was because he had connections at his alma mater and was going to start teaching. Stiles laughs as he imagines Derek Hale as a college professor.

Derek doesn't talk about his ex fiancé and it doesn't bother Stiles. If he wants to know what happened, he'll ask. The light conversation they have at the moment is enough to keep him interested for now. Stiles asks Derek about his dad because he knows Derek was over there a lot just because he cared. His dad sounds happy, getting ready to retire in a couple years maybe. He can't see his dad not being the sheriff yet but he doesn't suppose it'd be a bad thing to get a break.

Scott and Allison after being married for four years now, are working on their first born. Allison is six months pregnant. Stiles knows all this already but Derek talks about the baby like it's the greatest thing to ever happen. Pack is really important to Derek and Stiles is surprised that it wasn't harder to leave them.

Stiles finishes dinner in about an hour and serves it up on some plates. He likes pasta and this recipe is a favorite of his to make. He even whipped up a little salad on the side. Derek generously sets the plates and silverware at the little four person table Stiles has in his apartment. Stiles pops open Derek's bottle of wine and pours them both a glass.

The silence is comfortable as they eat but eventually they finish and they tiptoe around what they do want to talk about. Stiles wants to ask about David. Because that was a serious thing that Stiles left Beacon Hills for. Why didn't Derek get it together sooner? 

"Am I too late here?" Derek asks softly.

Stiles knows what he's asking. Is there anyone else in the picture? Do you forgive me for not being here sooner? Do you trust me anymore? Stiles doesn't have all the answers because it's been five years but it's still sudden. This is Derek though, the man he has never been able to stop loving.

"Better late than never, right?" Stiles says, a smile reaching his eyes.

Derek smiles back but they aren't there yet. They both hurt each other a lot over the years. Stiles feels healed from his past. The Nogitsune doesn't keep him up at night and his panic attacks come minimally, if ever. He's really gotten his life to where he wants it. Derek is asking if he can intrude on the perfect life he's got for himself.

Stiles is okay with that.

 

* * *

 

Derek coming over after work becomes a normal thing. They either make dinner, taking turns, or order take out. Usually dinner ends with watching a movie. Stiles even helps Derek unpack all the stuff he brought with him. Mostly, Derek has to shop for a lot of his furniture, which he does with Stiles' help.

Some days, Derek walks Stiles to work and they get coffee before hand. Stiles realizes too late that Derek is courting him when Derek starts showing public displays of affection. They hold hands sometimes when they're walking down the street. They don't hug like friends or bros, they're always longer than necessary. Stiles doesn't exactly mind the physical contact and it seems that's where they should be heading anyway.

One day when Derek walks him to work he kisses his cheek as a goodbye rather than hugging him. Stiles is left with a blush on his face as Derek waves at him and is gone in minutes. The receptionist giggles at him and he does his best to ignore it while he goes to his own desk.

When he goes home that day, he's exhausted and doesn't want to do anything but take a nap. When he walks into his apartment, he's met with dim lighting and candles. Derek is nicely dressed in black pants and a white dress shirt with a black skinny tie and loafers. He has a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

They've taken things pretty slow in the romantic department. Derek pays for his coffee sometimes and their physical touches don't go anywhere past friendly. This, whatever Derek has planned for the night, is definitely a step up. The thing is, Stiles isn't sure if he's really ready for what Derek wants.

"What happened between you and David?" Stiles asks. It's not what Derek was expecting him to say.

"After you left, we fought a lot. About you, actually," Derek tells him, "It just didn't work out."

"So it's my fault?" Stiles asks.

"No!" Derek says quickly. "Of course not. It was my fault. I knew what I wanted but I was too scared to go after it."

"I don't know if I'm ready for this, Derek. I want to take this slow. I don't want to screw it up," Stiles tells him as Derek approaches him and cups his face in his hands.

"You know, most people who are surprised with a candle light dinner, usually aren't upset about it," Derek chuckles and it gets Stiles to smile a little.

"I have PTSD and social anxiety. You're not going to get the right reaction to a lot of things," Stiles says. He tells him because he wants Derek to have a chance to back out of this.

"Come eat dinner with me and then I'll let you sleep the rest of the night," Derek says and he obliges. He's not the only one who knows how to cook. Derek took on that responsibility after the fire and he's good at it.

Stiles wants to know more about Derek's failed engagement so he asks. Derek has no qualms against answering every single one truthfully. They ended it a few months after Stiles left. Stiles wants to ask what took him so long to show up but he gets it. They both still weren't ready to be with each other.

David was the one to end things. He was a good guy for what it was worth. He was respectful of Derek and the pack when he decided to leave Beacon Hills for Las Vegas. Even though he was angry with Derek for being in love with someone else, he knew what he got into when they first started dating. Derek had a harder time dealing with things than he did and he never really dealt with what Stiles meant to him.

After dinner, they chill on the couch at a reasonable distance. Derek lets Stiles pass out because that's exactly what he promised him.

When he wakes up the next morning, he's in his bed and there's a note on the pillow he doesn't use. He grabs it and stretches his body. He looks down at his body and notices he's not in his work clothes anymore but a comfortable t-shirt and sweatpants. He's not actually mad at Derek for helping him undress, he's glad Derek thought about him.

He reads the note which says,

_Good morning, Stiles. Sorry I couldn't be there to greet you in person. I got called into work earlier than normal for a meeting. There's fresh coffee in the pot, I'll see you tonight. Love, Derek_

He smiles and puts the note on his bedside table. He jumps in the shower and gets ready for work. After his shower, he pours himself a cup of coffee and grabs his phone because he needs to talk to Lydia as soon as possible. She answers on the first ring.

"This better be important Stiles, I'm a very busy woman," She says seriously but there's a lightness in her tone. She's happy to hear from him.

"I think I'm falling in love," Stiles tells her with an elated sigh.

"What?" She asks, surprised. "Tell me everything!"

"Derek and I are really trying this time," Stiles says.

"Derek Hale?" Lydia asks. She probably didn't even know he left Beacon Hills.

"He moved to New York about a month ago. We're taking things really slow. We haven't even kissed yet. We have dinner together every night and sometimes he walks me to work and buys me coffee," Stiles sighs dreamily. It feels good to talk about his crush.

"He's courting you!" Lydia exclaims.

"He's courting me," Stiles agrees, a smile playing on his lips. "He bought me flowers last night and made me dinner which we had in candle light."

"Oh my god!" Lydia sounds really happy for him. They talk for about ten more minutes before they both have to go.

After work, Stiles has a therapy session. Derek knows about it because he's not ashamed of going to therapy anymore. His therapist tells him to take some risks when he mentions Derek. Stiles can't be reserved forever so if he really wants something to happen, he should go for it.

He goes over to Derek's apartment that night and they order a pizza. Derek talks endlessly about his class that day and how irritating his students can be. They don't like history, Stiles doesn't blame them. Derek however finds it incredibly fascinating, maybe because it makes up for his own.

It's not that what Derek's talking about bores him, okay it does, but that's not the reason he shuts him up. His mind tends to want to do things at the worst possible times so when he's sitting next to Derek on the couch, the cogs start spinning. He practically throws himself at Derek when he kisses him.

Derek is definitely surprised but he's not displeased. Stiles sits in his lap as they make out and he realizes that this is the first time they've ever done this without different intentions. He doesn't want to kiss Derek because he wants to have sex, he wants to kiss Derek because he wants their relationship to be an actual thing.

"Not that I'm mad but what changed? I thought you weren't ready," Derek says with kiss swollen lips.

"I got some advice that I should take a few risks," Stiles shrugs and leans in to kiss Derek, lighter this time.

"Was I boring you that much?" Derek asks with a laugh.

"I had my fair share of history class in high school. I'd appreciate it if you left the wars at work," Stiles says jokingly.

They make out for a while after that. Derek noticeably doesn't go below the belt and Stiles silently thanks him for that by biting his neck. It leaves a temporary mark that Stiles pouts about when it goes away. He doesn't mind as much when Derek goes ahead and marks him up instead. He keeps it just under the neckline so Stiles won't go to work with a ton of hickeys on display.

Another thing that doesn't happen is the removal of clothes. Stiles would like that skin on skin contact but he doesn't feel ready to take his shirt off in front of Derek yet. With his previous hookups he didn't mind what they thought of his scars but this was Derek, someone whose opinion mattered.

"I think I've courted you enough. Can we be boyfriends?" Derek asks, in a small gasp. They both can barely breathe with how long their lips have been attached to each other.

"Is this not what boyfriends do?" Stiles asks sarcastically.

"Well, you never know with you," Derek rolls his eyes and leans in to kiss his cheek. "You should probably go. I've got an early class tomorrow."

"I'd ask to stay but with what's going on below the belt, I don't think I'd be able to keep my hands to myself. And I don't think that I'm ready-"

"I'm not asking for sex, Stiles," Derek shushes him with a finger to his lips. "We're taking our time with this, remember?"

"Yeah," Stiles nods smiling softly.

Stiles is happy and he's surprised he didn't forget what that felt like.

 

* * *

 

Stiles starts to panic when his family is supposed to come for a visit and they don't even know he's dating Derek. They all like Derek, they all know him. That's why it should be easy, but it's not because he's Stiles and he freaks out over everything. Derek, bless him, knows exactly how to calm him down.

That means infinite make out sessions whenever Derek feels he's talking to much. It works. He'd rather kiss Derek than make him help him through a panic attack. So it happens frequently and sporadically until his dad, Melissa, Scott, and Allison show up.

They're staying at a hotel a few blocks down because his apartment can barely accommodate himself, let alone four other people. They come by the night they get into the city and Stiles orders take out because he doesn't feel like cooking and everyone loves Chinese. His dad and Allison's baby especially.

He offhandedly mentions that he invited someone else and that immediately intrigues them all. His face heats up fast and he doesn't know how to handle all their questions while Derek is running late from work. This is important to Stiles and Derek's going to make a great impression on them anyway, but he's still freaking out. He doesn't like to be the center of attention.

His family gets that, they easily change the subject to Allison and Scott's baby, but not without eyeing him every once and awhile. He's so thankful when there's a knock at the door and he excuses himself to go get it. His family was generous enough to wait for Derek before they start eating. Again, he loves his family so much.

"Sorry I'm late," Derek kisses him quickly on the lips as a greeting, "I came right from work. Actually that's a lie. I stopped at the bakery down the street and got that apple pie you love."

"Are you trying to excuse your tardiness with dessert?" Stiles asks, raising an eyebrow as Derek hands him the pie.

"Is it working?" Derek asks with a cheeky smile.

"It might be," Stiles eyes him but lets it slide. Derek didn't really leave him for that long. "Come on, I'm pretty sure dad's been sneaking crab cheese since the food came."

Stiles intertwines their fingers and pulls Derek into the dining room that contains a lot more people than usual. It's normally just him and Stiles and now that it's full of people that they both love, Derek is extremely happy. Everyone stops talking immediately when they walk in the room.

"I think I can save you all from the introductions," Stiles says, smiling at Derek.

"Hi," Derek waves at them.

They're all immediately drawn to the two of them holding hands and the questions start raking in. _When did this start? How long has it been? When did you move here?_ And the list goes on. His dad has a smug look on his face that Stiles reminds himself to ask about later.

Derek answers each question easily once they all get seated at the table. Stiles had to open it up so everyone could fit. It wasn't too tight of a squeeze either. They all enjoyed their food over light small talk. His dad looked delighted when Stiles brought out the pie and he was allowed a slice. Sometimes he spoiled his dad.

They end up in the living room. He doesn't have enough seating so his dad and Melissa take the couch while Scott and Allison curl up on the love seat. Him and Derek take the ground but they don't mind. Derek sits behind him so Stiles can sit between his legs. It's a thing he hasn't really experienced before because he's never really been part of a couple.

This is the first time they have been in front of other people and are comfortable enough to act this way. His family doesn't even seem bothered by it. They just continue their conversations from dinner. Stiles turns on the tv eventually so his dad can watch whatever baseball game is on. He's not as interested as he usually is. He's more focused on Derek than anything.

"So have you thought of baby names yet?" Stiles asks Scott and Allison.

"We've thought about it a lot and we're not one hundred percent sure yet because we don't know the gender," Allison tells him.

"But if it's a girl we were thinking Laura," Scott mentions and that gets Derek's attention, "If that's alright with you."

"Of course," Derek nods. He tightens his hand where it's resting on Stiles' hip but he smiles. He seems happy, if not slightly put off.

"We're not sure about a boy name yet," Allison says. "I'm hoping it's a girl though."

"Scott would spoil her rotten," Stiles mutters. He tends to forget his friends are werewolves as he hears Derek and Scott chuckle.

"You're not wrong," Scott huffs. He rubs Allison's stomach and gazes at her so lovingly. Stiles wants that. He's always wanted what they have.

Stiles pulls his dad aside at some point during the night. The way he's acting about Derek is a little strange. The last time Stiles admitted that he was in love with Derek, his dad said that he should let it go because Derek was happy.

"You seem oddly unsurprised about my relationship with Derek," Stiles says.

"Who do you think told him what apartment building you lived in?" The sheriff scoffed.

"No way!" Stiles exclaims.

"It's about time, kid," He rolls his eyes and pats Stiles on the shoulder. "You both deserve to be happy and to be honest, I've never seen either of you like this."

"Thanks pops," He smiles softly.

Eventually the sheriff and Melissa decide they need to go. They're all a bit jet lagged and Scott and Allison go willingly. It's finally the weekend so they make plans for brunch the next day. He hugs his dad and Melissa before they walk to the door. He pats Scott on the shoulder and gives him a genuine smile before pulling Allison to his side, giving her a quick peck on the temple.

They depart with a, _drive safe_ and a promise of seeing each other in the morning.

Derek sticks around and helps him clean up. It's easy because it's mainly just take out boxes to throw away and a few dishes to wash. His boyfriend always offers to do the dirty work and he ends up drying whatever clean thing Derek hands him. He's so content in that moment and so full of love that he can't comprehend how he missed out on this for so long.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek asks, he's finishing up the last dish and he's not even looking at Stiles. He just knows that Stiles is deep in thought.

"I had a good time tonight," Stiles says.

"But?"

"I can't believe I was so stupid for almost ten years," Stiles shakes his head.

Derek sets the plate in the sink and grabs Stiles' face with his sudsy hands.

"You were stupid for the right reasons. We both had a lot of baggage, Stiles. And I'm not saying we still don't but we have a handle on it. We've grown," Derek tells him, kissing his nose quickly before taking the rag from Stiles to dry and put away the last plate.

"How long have we been dating?" Stiles asks.

"Well if you count the month of courting, two months," Derek shrugs, confused as to why Stiles doesn't know.

"Good," Stiles nods. He does count the courting. He pulls Derek towards him by the waist and brushes his fingers through the front of Derek's hair. "I love you."

"I know," Derek smiles.

"You cannot Han Solo me like that, Derek Hale. This is a big moment for me," Stiles scolds.

Derek shakes his head and rolls his eyes playfully as he leans in to capture Stiles' lips with his. Stiles, not taken by surprise, gasps anyway. He brings Derek almost impossibly closer by the neck and smashes their lips together, over and over again. It feels good to get that all out in the open. It's not like it's a surprise either. He's been in love with Derek for almost a decade.

"I love you, too," Derek murmurs.

"Do you want to stay the night?" Stiles asks in a breathless whisper. Derek looks at him carefully, assessing what the invitation is offering.

"Are you sure?" Derek asks.

"I, uh, don't want to do _that_ yet, but I wouldn't mind sharing a bed with you," Stiles shrugs.

"Okay," Derek agrees.

Stiles leads them to his bedroom and shuts the door behind them. He's never really been in Stiles' room with the lights on. If Derek sleeps over, it's on the couch. He's brought Stiles into his room to sleep a few times but it was dark. Stiles goes to a dresser and pulls out some clothes to wear to bed.

"This is going to sound really stupid since we just declared our love for each other, but can you turn around?" Stiles asks.

"Yeah," Derek smiles softly. He knows Stiles is insecure about his body. It's one of the reasons that their make out sessions only go as far as over the clothes touching. He doesn't mind it. He could wait forever for Stiles to be ready. He's hoping he doesn't have to though.

Stiles lets him turn around after he's in a t-shirt and sweatpants. He mentions something about maybe having some clothes for Derek to wear but Derek declines the offer. He makes sure Stiles is comfortable with him stripping down to just his boxers before actually doing it.

They both climb into Stiles' bed before he turns of the bedside lamp. It's almost pitch black but Derek can see Stiles with his supernatural eyes. He looks cautious as he keeps a reasonable distance from Derek. Derek grabs his arm and pulls him so they are flushed against each other. He's taking some risks here.

"This okay?" Derek asks as he rests an arm around Stiles' hip.

"Yeah," Stiles breathes shallowly.

His hands are pressed against Derek's chest and one snakes up to bring Derek's head towards his. Stiles presses a chaste kiss to his lips and then lays his head down. He could imagine falling asleep with Stiles like this over and over again. Everything felt as it should.

 

* * *

 

A few weeks have passed and their relationship moves smoothly, until it hits a little speed bump.

"Move in with me," Derek says simply one day when they're laying in Stiles' bed lazily.

"We haven't even had sex yet," Stiles says, sitting up at the sudden suggestion.

"So?"

"So, what if it's bad? You don't exactly want to move in with someone when the sex isn't even good," Stiles argues.

"I've had sex with you. It was the best sex I've ever had," Derek promises, sitting up next to Stiles.

"I was a virgin!" Stiles complains.

"You were very compliant," Derek shrugs.

"I'm more experienced."

"Even better," Derek smiles. "Move in with me. Or let me move here. Whatever you want."

"We're supposed to be taking things slow," Stiles complains.

"Stiles, there's slow and then there's _slow_. We're moving at a rate that rivals both of those," Derek rolls his eyes.

Stiles sits there and contemplates if this is really the right move. On one hand, Derek's at his place all the time. Since the night his family was over, Derek has slept over numerous times. There's a pile of clothes adding up in his bedroom that are all Derek's. If Derek moved in, it wouldn't be a change, really.

But at the same time it would. He would have to be concerned about another person in his space. He didn't like that he had to deal with his social anxiety so much. He loves Derek and moving in together should be a simple decision. He hates how his life never has simple answers.

Derek's right though, they are going alot slower than they should be. They wasted a lot of time running away from each other. Derek was already in his thirties, Stiles was a few years from there. They didn't really have time to do the whole romance thing like they could've right out of high school. If Stiles wouldn't have left, it would all be so different now.

"Okay," Stiles finds himself saying. "You can move in."

"Are you sure?" Derek asks.

"You're already here most of the time anyway," Stiles nods.

Derek smiles and leans over to kiss him. They fall back into bed and make out for a while. It's an accomplishment, the decision they've come to. They assessed the situation and between the two of them, it was the right thing to do. Stiles was already starting to imagine what it would be like to wake up with Derek every morning.

Derek moves in slowly over the course of the next week. He gets rid of most of his furniture because Stiles' apartment is already filled. Stiles makes room in his closet and dressers for Derek's things. He even clears out spaces in the bathroom for Derek's shampoo and other hygiene items.

Derek's lease on his apartment is up by the time he's fully moved in. Stiles makes an extra key and they are officially a cohabiting couple. They both split the rent now which Derek doesn't even mind about because he's loaded anyway. It feels nice to have a constant presence in the apartment. 

"Morning," Stiles says, one day, breathing in the smell of Derek. Despite living in the city, Derek smells like the woods and that's something Stiles happens to love about him.

Derek looks a lot more awake than he does when he opens his eyes. After days of this routine, it only gets better, having his boyfriend be the first thing he sees when he wakes up. The way Derek is leaning on his elbow and tracing the slip of skin that's on display from Stiles' shirt riding up, means that he's been up for a while just watching him.

Derek leans down to where Stiles' head is still on his pillow and kisses him with just enough pressure that it's more than chaste. Derek's hand that was resting on his stomach, slides underneath his shirt and rubs up his chest. Normally he doesn't let Derek do things like that because he's uncomfortable with it but that morning he lets it slide.

Stiles knows he has morning wood. He wakes up with it most days. He can feel the tent in his pants and how they uncomfortably rub against him. He tries to ignore it as Derek sucks his bottom lip into his mouth but it becomes increasingly harder the more they go at it, pun intended.

"Derek," He huffs. "We need to stop."

"Let me take care of it," Derek murmurs against his lips, sliding his hand down to the waistband of Stiles' sweatpants.

"I-"

Stiles doesn't know what to say. They haven't approached the subject of sexual acts at all. Everything has been kind of off limits and he knows he's a terrible boyfriend for doing that to Derek. He can't help it. Thinking about Derek's hands on his dick makes him freak out just a little bit and he doesn't understand why.

"Derek, please stop," He whines.

Derek removes his hand immediately and sits up. Stiles feels so bad about telling him no all the time. But he doesn't know why he's not ready for this. He should want to be intimate with his boyfriend. He has fantasies about it, but it still doesn't happen.

"I'm sorry," Stiles sighs, sitting up too. Derek is slightly more in front of him so he's just staring at his back. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"There's nothing wrong with you," Derek growls, turning around to kiss him heatedly. "You don't need to explain it to me. We can take as much time as you need."

"I don't know how long that'll be, Derek," Stiles admits. "I'm not a good boyfriend."

"I love you," Derek says, wrapping his hand around Stiles' wrist. "That's all that matters to me."

Stiles loves Derek for that. But he needs to talk to someone about this other than his boyfriend. Lydia lives closer now so it isn't as hard to meet up with her. He has the day off so once he sends Derek off to work, he gets ready and meets her at the coffee shop a few blocks away that they both love.

It's so good to see her. It hasn't been that long but it's longer than usual. He's been so busy figuring out things with Derek that he hasn't had the time to do anything else other than work. She seems happy though. She's not married but she is dating again. Jackson and Aiden were both duds from the start and this new guy she's seeing seems to make her blush like a schoolgirl.

"So how are things with Derek?" She asks politely. He knows she wants the dirt.

"We haven't had sex yet," Stiles sighs.

"Not even hand jobs? Blow jobs?" She asks like he's crazy.

"I keep pushing him away," Stiles sighs. "I don't know why."

"Maybe because you've had sex before with him and you're afraid it isn't going to be as good as it was," Lydia shrugs.

"What should I do?"

"Surprise him," She says. "He's not going to be opposed to anything you want to do."

Stiles makes it his mission to try that night. Derek comes home by five. His hair has obviously gotten the brunt of his frustration. Stiles knows the signs by now of when Derek's had a bad day at work. He ordered pizza a while ago and the delivery man hasn't showed up yet.

Derek throws his work stuff onto the kitchen counter and greets him with a kiss. He goes to the fridge and pulls out a bottle of beer. Most of the beer in the fridge is laced with wolfsbane because Stiles doesn't drink anymore and Derek does on occasion. Rather than let Derek tell him about his day, he stops him with a sloppy kiss that licks up his jaw.

He pushes Derek against the counter a little rougher than normal and continues to devour his mouth. Derek's certainly surprised by the change in behavior but he's not against it. He lets Stiles have his wicked way with him. He's so caught up in the way Stiles' lips feel against his jugular that he doesn't even notice when Stiles drops to his knees.

Stiles grabs at his belt to unlatch it. He's so out of it that he lets Stiles take it off and toss it on the kitchen floor.

"Stiles, what are you doing?" Derek huffs. Stiles pops open the button of his dress pants and pulls the zipper down.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Stiles asks, looking up at him with an annoyed expression.

"But this morning-"

"Shut up, please," Stiles murmurs, tugging down Derek's jeans halfway. His boxers go with them and that's exactly what Stiles wanted.

The moment Stiles' mouth is on him, he feels like he can't breathe. He's always loved Stiles mouth. The way he can talk without taking a breath or the way he licks his lips when they get too dry. Nothing compares to the way it feels wrapped around him.

Stiles bobs his head back and forth and takes Derek in slow strides. Stiles is so much better at this than he expected. Stiles wraps his hands around Derek's thighs and pulls him closer. The only thing Derek can think to do with his hands is grab onto Stiles' hair. He doesn't seem to mind.

Derek's hips move rhythmically as Stiles continues to lick strips on his hard cock. It's been so long since he's been intimate with anyone that he knows he won't last long now. He feels his stomach start to knot up and he knows he's done for.

He tries to warn Stiles but his boyfriend doesn't seem to think it's a problem. His orgasm comes in the next few seconds and he comes down Stiles' throat. Stiles doesn't have any trouble and none of it goes past his lips. Stiles removes his mouth with a loud pop and tucks Derek back into his jeans.

He feels elated. If he didn't have to move for days, he wouldn't. It kind of feels like Stiles sucked his brains out. He's not going to actually say that out loud though because Stiles' ego doesn't need to get any bigger. He just leans in to an open mouthed kiss that Stiles happily reciprocates.

"Wow," He breathes, tasting himself on Stiles' tongue. "What about you?"

"One step at a time, okay?" Stiles says softly.

"Okay," Derek agrees. He would like more than anything to return the favor but not if Stiles doesn't want it.

The pizza delivery guy finally shows up and Stiles doesn't even fix himself to make it seem like he hadn't just given someone a blow job. The delivery guy looks a little embarrassed when he hands him some money and tells him to get lost. Derek laughs at the way Stiles handles people when strangers are the last people he wants to see at this point.

They both want an easy night so they take the box of pizza and lay in bed. When Derek moved in he brought his tv with him and they set it up in what is now _their_ room, so they find some crappy reality show and use it as background sound. Mostly they just lay back and talk to each other about their day.

A few days later Stiles wakes up before Derek. It's not like it's never happened it's just uncommon. He's curled up in front of Stiles as the little spoon. It's not exactly hard for them to do this because Derek's not as buff as he used to be and Stiles _is_ buffer than he used to be. They are completely pressed together and his erection is rubbing up against Derek's ass.

He tries to move away but that wakes Derek up. Derek turns his head around and blinks at Stiles a few times to wake himself up. He kisses him good morning and turns his body completely around so he has better access to his mouth. There's nothing Stiles loves more than lazy morning kisses.

Derek's nose nuzzles at his throat and he bites down lucidly. Stiles can feel himself getting harder by the second. He's always had a kink for Derek scenting him. Which is really weird because Derek's the werewolf, not him. But he's used to it because the pack was always really big on touching and scent marking.

"Today?" Derek asks. It's something he asks every morning now. It's becoming desperately harder to tell Derek no, so he doesn't.

"Yeah," Stiles nods as Derek presses their lips together with a smile.

Derek pushes Stiles to his back while he stays on his side. He continues to use his mouth to distract Stiles from what his hands are doing. One hand is sliding to his waist, untying the string to his sweatpants. The other hand is behind his head and pushing him up to meet Derek's lips.

He immediately feels it when Derek's hand goes underneath his boxers and wraps around his cock. It's been so long since anything but his own hand has been there. The sensation travels throughout his whole body and he can barely do anything else except close his eyes and breathe through it.

He can't kiss Derek anymore so Derek kisses his face everywhere he's able to. Stiles just concentrates on the way Derek's hand agonizingly pumps up and down. He feels like a teenager when his orgasm comes faster than he wants it to. Derek draws it out for as long as he can.

Derek slides under the comforter and pulls Stiles' pants down far enough that he can get his mouth on him. He finishes up fairly quickly and swallows Stiles' come so there's no clean up involved. He easily pulls Stiles' pants back up and reveals himself from underneath the blankets.

His lips are puffy and red and his hair is even more sexed up in addition to the bed head he was already sporting. There's a little bit of come dripping down his chin but he wipes it off with his thumb and sucks it into his mouth. Stiles flops down onto his pillow because he can't hold himself up any longer. He hasn't felt this good in months.

All the sexual tension between them feels drained. Derek curls back up around him and they lay like that for a while. They don't even care that they both should be getting ready for work.

"Thank you," Stiles tells him.

"My pleasure," Derek grins.

It's not the end of their bedroom problems. Like the fact that Stiles still won't take his clothes off in front of Derek but they're getting there. Especially now.

 

* * *

 

A few weeks and several blow jobs/hand jobs later, Stiles starts to feel more confident. Derek and he broke down the biggest barrier they'd ever encountered. It was easy to just be woken up with a hand wrapped around a cock or blowing each other before blissful sleep in the evenings. It wasn't complicated like it used to be when the two of them tiptoed around each other.

Of course, when Stiles thinks he's ready to try something new, he gets pushed ten steps back.

It happens on a normal Wednesday afternoon. His workload isn't heavy but it's kept him distracted from doing anything but. He finds it strange when he's interrupted from his tight schedule by a phone call from the front desk. He doesn't want to have to deal with a client today, Derek didn't let him get much sleep the night before...

Beth, the receptionist, lets him know that there's someone who's there to see him who says that it's urgent. He doesn't think twice about it when he tells her to send the person in. Stiles doesn't have an office to himself but he's not at a desk with a fuck-ton of cubicles around him. He shares a room with a few other people that are minding their own business at opposite ends of the room.

He's surprised when he sees that it's Derek who walks through his door.

"You weren't answering your phone," Is the first thing that rushes out of Derek's mouth before he has a chance to ask why he's there.

"Sorry I turned it off because I kept getting distracted. I have a deadline coming up soon and-"

"Stiles, you missed a call from Scott. He called me frantically when you wouldn't answer him for the fifth time," Derek says. They gain the attention of the few people in the room with them, though Stiles is sure they can't exactly hear the conversation.

"Oh god! Did Allison have the baby? It's too early for that. Scott's probably worried out of his mind-"

"Stiles, it's your dad," Derek says, interrupting him. Now that Stiles has time to pause and look at him, he can see the worry in his boyfriend's eyes.

"M-my dad," Stiles is taken aback by that.

"The hospital called Melissa. He was shot. He's in critical condition and in surgery right now. They don't know much other than that. Scott and Allison are at the hospital with Melissa waiting for an update," Derek explains in a calm manner. He's trying so hard to keep Stiles from panicking. He wishes it worked.

But his breathing quickens and the sounds in the room get muffled till it feels like he's underwater. His lungs constrict in that way that makes him feel like he's choking and has to gasp for air. He can see Derek start to lose his cool as he holds Stiles' face in his hands. He's saying something but Stiles can't hear it.

All he can think about is his dad. A bullet grazing his heart or somewhere more vital. The surgery not going well and his dad dying on the table. He's critical. There's an enormous chance that he might not make it out alive. Because he was the goddamn sheriff and put himself in danger every day of his life to pay the bills.

Stiles is bitter towards the police force and criminology in general. He flunked out of school because he couldn't handle the death despite it not being at the hand of the supernatural anymore. He wanted to be able to protect people, that's something he's been doing his whole life, but he didn't want to see himself fail at it.

Derek picks him up and sits him on top of his desk. He spreads his legs enough so that he is right in between them, coaxing him out of his panic attack. Stiles starts to hear Derek telling him to breathe. One of the methods that Derek knows to do is to try and get him to follow his breathing, so he does it.

It takes time and a mental boost from his brain for the embarrassment of having a panic attack in front of his coworkers before he finally becomes stoically quiet. Derek pulls him off his desk and into a hug where he whispers sweet nothings into his ear. It's exactly what he needs as Derek breaks away just to grab his things so they can be on their way.

"What now?" Stiles asks.

"Now we get on a plane to Beacon Hills," Derek tells him softly as they get in a taxi directed to take them to the airport.

By the time Stiles is on that plane he's too late in realizing that this is the first time he's been back to Beacon Hills in five years. He doesn't want to go back, ever. But this is for his father so he puts his feelings aside and endures the ride. Derek who is seated to his right, so he can look out the window to calm him down, keeps him from having any more panic attacks.

The trip takes about four and a half hours and though Stiles is jittery and anxious, he lets the feeling of being in a plane lull him to sleep. He doesn't wake up until Derek gently shakes his arm to let him know they're landing. The emotions he felt before he fell asleep start to pent up again now that his unconscious mind is conscious again.

Stiles is whisked away to the airport where they're greeted by Cora who Derek called to give them a ride. Stiles hasn't seen Cora in longer than five years. The times he was back, he refused to see anyone that wasn't Scott, Lydia, Melissa, or his dad. Isaac got in the mix at some point. But seeing Derek's sister is something he could never really face. Facing Derek was a tiring experience in its own way.

Cora drives them straight to Beacon Hills Memorial Hospital without a second thought. She doesn't ask questions, she doesn't even really talk to Stiles. The way he's feeling now is kind of numb. He can't form words so he replies to Derek in grunts or sounds of breathing. Derek handles it all stoically like it doesn't bother him at all. Stiles wishes he could tell if it did but he's too focused on his family.

Scott wraps him up in the warmest and most comforting embrace when he gets to the floor they're waiting on. Technically they shouldn't be on the floor but Melissa has access everywhere because she's a nurse and she's badass when she needs to be. That's her husband in the operating room. She knows her place in line though. However Stiles is feeling is always going to be more important than anyone else. But family is more than just blood to the Stilinski's.

"Any news?" Derek asks for Stiles who still feels numb.

"None," Melissa sighs. It's been hours.

"I should have been here," Stiles finally speaks up.

"Stiles-"

"No I- I'm so selfish. I should be here all the time. He's my dad and I just... abandoned him!" Stiles ignores Scott saying his name.

"You left because it's what you needed," Derek tells him. "Your father understood that."

"But we only had each other!" Stiles shouts. "And I have this stupid guilt complex and I left him to fend for himself. To go and get himself killed!"

"You didn't leave him alone, sweetie. You left him with us," Melissa says, taking his hand and squeezing it.

"This is my fault," Stiles shakes his head.

"You couldn't have prevented any of this, Stiles," Allison tells him softly. She looks ready to pop with how big her belly has gotten. She shouldn't be here. She should be at home, resting.

"I could have," Stiles denies the sentiment, "I could have tried harder. I could have been a better son. And what if he dies? How will I live with myself if he's dead and I wasn't here to protect him?"

"Nurse McCall-Stilinski?" Someone approaches them slowly. It's a man in scrubs and a scrub cap. Everyone from their group shuts up immediately.

"How is he?" She asks.

"His surgery went perfectly. I'm sorry we didn't have anyone to come and tell you how things were progressing. All hands on deck for the sheriff," He says, "The bullet just nicked his heart which means it was easy to treat the ruptured tissue and take out the shell. However, he's in a coma due to his head wound when he fell onto the pavement. We're hopeful about his recovery but only time will tell us when he'll wake up."

"Can I see him?" Stiles asks.

"We're taking him up to the ICU. That means visiting hours are over at this time but I think we can make an exception for you, Stiles," The man says, ushering for him to follow.

Stiles doesn't know this doctor but everyone in this town seems to know everyone. He's the sheriff's son, he's always going to be a priority in the gossip chain. It's always been that way ever since he was a kid. It was always, _did you hear about what trouble the sheriff's boy got into today?_ Most of the time he was dragging Scott into the mayhem while people made their shenanigans seem a lot worse than they actually were.

Everyone else, even Melissa, stays back while the surgeon brings him to a different floor to be with his dad. When he takes a seat in the chair at his bedside, he gets an up close look at the condition John Stilinski is in. He saw what the frontotemporal dementia did to his mom. How sick it made her and how weak she eventually got in the end. It was like seeing that all over again but this time with an unconscious parent.

He takes his dad's hand and just squeezes it to know that he's really there. He has to tell himself over and over again that he's going to make it through this. The doctors patched him up and he should wake up eventually. There's no severe damage. But his dad looks so small. He's always been someone Stiles looks up to but here... he's just so pale. Being pale is Stiles' thing, it doesn't suit John.

"You've gotta wake up, pops," Stiles sighs, "I'm not leaving your side till you do."

Stiles doesn't like talking to a lifeless body. It gets old fast as he begs and pleads with a shell of a man to wake up. He gets tired quickly and ends up falling asleep with his head on his dad's bed.

He's awoken by a hand ghostly carding through his hair. It takes him a moment to wake himself up. He figures it's probably Derek who wants him to get up to sleep in a real bed or get something to eat. It's neither of those things. As he lifts his head, he sees that the hand belongs to someone much older.

When he meets his dad's weary eyes, he can't help but give him a relieved smile. Stiles takes his hand and presses it to his lips to show his dad his appreciation without words. He doesn't want to scream at his dad and ask him how he could be so reckless. He just wants to curl up and continue to let those fingers brush through his hair in comfort.

"Go home, kid," His dad says hoarsely. "Get some sleep."

"I'm not going anywhere," Stiles shakes his head.

"It'd make me feel better if you took care of yourself," John sighs, "I know how you get when you're worried."

"You could have died," Stiles complains.

"But I'm still kicking," His dad says, rolling his eyes to the best of his ability. "Now get out of here before I make Derek and Scott drag you out."

"Fine, old man," Stiles scoffs and gets up from his seat. "But I swear to god if you do anything that puts you in danger like this again, I will-"

"Say no more, kid," John puts a hand up to stop his rant. "I'm on desk duty indefinitely."

"I'm glad you're okay," He says, happy with the answer.

"Me too," He nods.

Stiles leaves him alone and lets a nurse know that his dad's awake before he travels downstairs to the main lobby where he knows his family is. He feels better and worse all at once. He wants to go back up there a watch his dad like a hawk but knowing he's awake comforts him in a way that the coma didn't.

Derek stands when he sees him. Isaac and Lydia have joined the group of them who are just sitting there waiting. Stiles approaches the group and they all are on alert when they see how stiff he is. He has good news but hospitals make him think that good news is just an illusion.

"He's awake," Stiles says and they all sigh in relief. Derek wraps his arms around his shoulder and torso. He lets himself relax and breathe Derek in.

"Cora and Isaac offered to let us stay at the house," Derek tells him quietly.

Stiles pulls away from Derek and nods. He gives Melissa a hug before they leave and asks her to look after his dad. Lydia follows them out to make sure he's okay. She offers to give them a ride because neither of them have a car. Stiles is happy to see her but can't believe she'd drop everything in the city to come back home to Beacon Hills.

The ride is quiet and while Lydia drives, Derek holds him in the backseat. He's exhausted even though he keeps sleeping through these things. He doesn't know how long he was in his dad's room before they both woke up but it felt like half a day had gone by. It was dark now, maybe midnight since they'd made it to the hospital in the early afternoon.

Derek offers Lydia to come inside but she declines. Stiles is sure she wants to give them time alone. They haven't been alone since the plane ride. Even then, they were surrounded by strangers. Here, in the privacy of the woods, they could really have time to themselves. Even without having werewolf senses, he can tell that no one is home. Cora and Isaac stuck back at the hospital and anybody else that stayed at the Hale house are absent as well.

Derek pulls out his keys and opens the grand oak door that's painted red, just like it had been before the alpha pack. Stiles thinks it's weird. That since the remodel, he has only seen the house once and that was only the outside. This is a place Derek lived in with his ex fiancé for some time. He doesn't like the feeling of his ghosts always coming back to haunt him.

Derek lets him walk in first and flips on the light switch in the hallway so it's no longer pitch black. Stiles' immediate first thought is how lived in the place looks. It's been over ten years and the house already is starting to wear but in a good way. There's light finger prints on the walls reflected by the light and shoes are piled up neatly by the door with coats on an in wall rack.

Stiles takes tentative steps further into the house and puts off the fact that this was once a burned shell of a home. Derek fixed something that almost seemed doomed. He pauses before he goes any further. Derek fixes a lot of things with his hands. In a way, he was very invested in fixing Stiles.

Stiles rounds the corner and enters the kitchen. It's a big kitchen, one that he's always dreamed of having. He used to tell Derek about the big kitchen his mom always wanted and then that dream got passed on to him when he started learning to cook for him and his dad. He sits on a stool on the island in the center of the room. It reminds him of the one in their apartment.

The fridge is double the size of the one in the apartment. Werewolves stock a lot because of how much they eat. Stiles kind of loves it. Pots and pans hang in certain easy accessible places. There's a microwave above the oven. There's stains on certain pieces of furniture and counter tops. It seems like someone really gets a lot of use out of the room, that makes him happy too.

The dining room is hooked on to the kitchen. The table is definitely big enough to fit the pack and the room is wide enough that no one bumps awkwardly into each other to fit. When they designed the house, they must have really thought about all the people that would be breaking it in.

He walks out of the kitchen and into the living room or what could be referred to as a den. There's an enormous couch in the center of the room, facing an even bigger television screen. Stiles just has a feeling that this is a good place for the pack to hang out. There's even a pool table and a big wall of windows that has a beautiful view of the backyard.

There's a bathroom right when you walk in a go the opposite way from the kitchen. It houses a bathtub and a shower. There's a toilet and a sink as well. It's big enough to fit more than one person at a time. Across from it is a laundry room and it looks so domestic with the clothes hanging up to dry and a laundry basket with a mound of laundry inside. The garage is at the end of the hallway but he doesn't venture inside.

Stiles walks to the room he missed next to the living room and is met with walls filled with books. He never wants to leave. Stiles has always loved research and there's countless books on the shelves about the lore of any creature you could possibly think of. Stiles has never seen these books before so he assumes Derek had them stashed somewhere to keep them safe.

There's a desk with an IMac perched on it with enough room to have some place to take notes too. There's even a couch and a few comfortable recliners to sit in a relax. Stiles likes the absence of a tv or other sources of entertainment. It's a room that he could just lose time in for hours. It's so odd how it feel like it was made just for him.

Stiles walks out to see Derek waiting for him. He's speechless. Derek did such a wonderful job with the place. It was a home for not only a pack but a family. Stiles assumed the upstairs had countless bedrooms to fit everyone that could possibly be staying in the house. Stiles wonders if Derek has his own room. If he shared it with David all those years ago.

"You hungry?" Derek asks. Stiles must have been in the little library/office for longer than he thought. He was right about losing time in there. Derek was dressed in sweats and a comfortable Henley. He was holding out a change of clothes for Stiles too.

"A little," He nods. Derek makes his way to the kitchen while he lets Stiles go to the bathroom to change. He opts for throwing his stale clothes into the laundry basket before joining Derek in the kitchen. "This place is beautiful."

"It took some time but I'm glad you're finally here to see it," Derek nods stirring something in a pot on the stove. His back is facing Stiles as he sits on that same chair as before.

"I was always so jealous of David. He got you _and_ you built him a house," Stiles sighs. He knows it's not exactly the best time to bring it up but he has to say it. Because not saying it means he's keeping something from Derek and he tries not to do that these days.

Something clatters on the stove before Derek turns to look at him.

"I was building the house for you," Derek tells him.

Stiles jaw drops in awe because, _what?_ He left while Derek was making the plans for the house. He came back and left again when Derek was starting to build it. He had no say in what Derek did with it. Derek was in a relationship with another man. He was engaged to him when the house was complete. This wasn't Stiles' house.

"You told me you wanted a big kitchen because you liked to cook. You wanted a house that would accommodate the whole pack because they're family. You wanted a place for yourself with lots of books where no one else had the right to be. You wanted a wall of windows so you could look outside to a nice view," Derek says, "You told me what you wanted and I built it."

Stiles recalls the memory. He was still in high school and dating. It was before the Nogitsune, before Theo. He was young and innocent and had his whole life ahead of him. Derek was the closest thing he had to a friend at the time. Him and Scott were in a rough patch because of his star crossed love with Allison. He told Derek what he wanted.

"You painted the front door red," Stiles says, tears in his eyes.

"You like the door red," Derek nods.

"Fuck you," Stiles huffs. "You built me my dream house."

"I built you your dream house," Derek continues to nod as Stiles jumps off the stool and wraps his arms around Derek's neck so he can kiss him hard.

"I love you so fucking much," Stiles whispers.

Derek shuts off the stove and abandons the food he was cooking. He lifts Stiles up so he's carrying him. The stairs that Stiles passed by earlier are what Derek heads for. They're lucky Derek has werewolf coordination because Stiles won't take his lips off his while he easily walks up the stairs and down the hallway.

Derek sets him down and breaks their kiss when they reach a door. Stiles looks around and notices multiple other doors and a hallway they passed when they made it to the top of the stairs.

"I haven't let anyone in this room," Derek tells him with plump lips and disheveled hair. "Not even when David was living here."

He pushes the door open and sees a big king sized bed and a room built for two. Everything looks untouched as he enters. There's a built in closet and a master bathroom that has a big tub and a glass shower like downstairs. Two sinks and a toilet. The whole room was clearly built for a couple. Them. It was built for them.

"He was never here?" Stiles asks, talking about Derek's ex.

"I haven't even been in here, Stiles," Derek admits.

"Why?" He asks.

"I was waiting for you, I guess," Derek shrugs, pulling Stiles closer, resting hands on his hips. "That bed's a little lonely with no one to share it with."

Stiles thought he was coming to a house that someone had before him. Like he was just the rebound and this life was never meant for him. But it turns out that it was the other way around. It was an empty house. An empty life. It was always there, waiting for him to catch up.

"My dad's going to be fine," Stiles says suddenly.

"I think so," Derek nods.

"I'm sick of being scared. I don't want to feel like I have to defend myself anymore. Especially not to you," He continues.

"Stiles-"

"Take off your shirt," Stiles says softly. Derek steps back an inch so he can really see Stiles. It's something he's never requested before. Derek hesitates but then does as told.

Stiles steps forward and runs a hand down his bare chest. When he reaches the top of his belt he stops and snakes his hands back up to wrap around Derek's neck and strokes his cheeks.

"I'm self-conscious and self-loathing. I'm bad in big crowds and can be very anti social. I have anxiety and panic attacks and PTSD. And you've always known me to have ADHD and be hyper and talkative at the worst of times," Stiles says, "But you love me anyway. Which is why I need to share more of myself with you. Because you've given so much to me."

Stiles takes a step back and pulls his shirt over his head by the neck. He stands there in the light of the bedside lamp and lets Derek look, for the first time since high school. Even then, they were drunk and it wasn't the same. He didn't have this weight on his shoulders and the scars littering his body, like a human punching bag.

His gaze is on the floor when Derek puts a finger under his chin and lifts his head up. Derek looks into his eyes before he closes his own and leans in for a chaste kiss. Stiles breaks it quickly looking down again, willing the tears in his eyes to just go away.

"Say something," He breathes.

"What do you want me to say?" Derek asks.

Stiles doesn't answer for a minute so Derek takes his hand, guides him to the bed, and pushes him down so he can climb on top of him. Stiles wants to hide suddenly because he's exposed and Derek isn't saying anything and he doesn't know what to do with that.

Derek's never been good with words though so when his mouth and tongue start tracing his body, Stiles understands what he's trying to say.

"You're amazing, Stiles," Derek says, inching his way back up to look at him. "And I love you. You have nothing to be ashamed about."

Stiles was afraid for a long time. Not just of Derek's reaction to what he's been hiding all this time, but a lot of things have him terrified. Like the future. It's been unclear for a while whether him and Derek would make it this far. It took them years to get their shit together and now that they have, Stiles doesn't make decisions without fully considering them first. Which is what makes him afraid and cautious. He shouldn't feel that way, but he does.

Derek kisses his scars. Even the really ugly ones that Stiles can't even look at anymore. But he can't stop watching Derek. His breath hitches more than once and he's never felt like this before. No one he's ever been with has ever paid attention to him like this. They mostly just ignore the marks that are etched into his skin, but Derek makes it known that they are there. He acts like he loves them.

"I was going to make it my mission to kiss every single mole on your body when you let me," Derek tells him, lifting his head to look at him with parted lips and hooded eyes. "I like this better."

Stiles closes his eyes again because Derek won't stop. He asks Stiles if he can take his sweatpants off and he just nods because he doesn't want to say no. They're making progress here and Stiles doesn't want to ruin it by saying something he doesn't mean.

There's a ghost of a kiss between his thighs and he has to gasp audibly because the sensation goes through his entire body. Derek's hands run down his legs and stop to run fingers across bruises that won't heal. He touches Stiles so delicately but not like he's fragile. He touches Stiles like he's a masterpiece that he has to see every part of to admire it to its full extent.

Stiles sits up because he really wants to kiss Derek. When their lips meet he feels the spark. He doesn't think he will ever stop feeling the way he did when they had their first kiss. It was so desperate and just perfect really. Despite being drunk and getting over his first heartbreak, Derek made him feel like he was worth it. Derek always makes him feel worth it.

"You're gorgeous," Derek whispers into his ear and mouths at the lobe. He's sitting in his lap and wraps his arms around Derek's body. He pulls him closer by the neck, that hand traveling into his hair while the other one grips at his shoulder, not wanting to let go.

Derek thinks the world of him. No matter how much he hates himself, this man never will. He hates how emotional he feels, like this isn't something he expected. They were two broken people that when brought together, healed. Stiles can't imagine not being in love with Derek. He could never imagine giving this up, which is why he doesn't plan to.

"I want to take this slow," Stiles says.

"We don't have to do anything tonight. It's been a long day. I don't expect-"

"Take your pants off, please," Stiles rolls his eyes.

"Stiles, are you sure about this?" Derek asks.

"More than sure," He nods, bringing their lips together.

They both shuck off the remainder of their clothes and delve back into reacquainting their bodies. Stiles can't really breathe and it's not a bad thing. He feels everything so intensely that he's not sure how he's going to make it out alive. He just stares at Derek who is more than aware that he has his eyes glued in other places than just his face.

"What?" Derek asks.

"Nothing, it's just- it's the first time I've ever seen you naked," Stiles blushes like a schoolgirl or a virgin, which he very well might be in this moment. It's not the first time but the first time he was heavily intoxicated and he doesn't remember and Derek has changed. So has he.

"I know," Derek chuckles, "You have muscles."

"Are you saying my eighteen year old scrawny body didn't do it for you?" Stiles asks.

"You talk too much," Derek sighs but it's a fond kind of sigh.

"You like that I talk too much."

"I do."

Their first time, the time that actually counts, is anything but perfect. They're clumsy and uncoordinated, and that's just Stiles. Derek is careful and shy. Stiles expected something different but he's not mad about how Derek reacts. They knock heads and bump noses and Stiles realizes he doesn't need perfect. He just needs this.

Derek fucks him into oblivion and he forgot what that felt like. Not just because it's been awhile since he's been with anyone but because he's never felt the way that Derek makes him feel. It's different with someone you really love. It's more than just a quick fuck. It's like making love.

Stiles doesn't like the term, never has, but there's no way to better describe this. Derek takes it slow and he doesn't go too hard. He knows Stiles enough to know when he likes something or doesn't. He likes a lot of things though which is why Derek ventures into things that he wants to do too.

When it's over and both of them have reached their climaxes, they collapse with tired limbs intertwined in uncomfortable positions. The lazy kisses that follow are Stiles' favorite because the pure and tender moments between them are what he loves the most.

He's sweaty and way too exhausted to think too hard about anything more than how amazing it will feel the morning after. He doesn't have to worry about running out of some random guy's apartment before he gets clingy. This is Derek. He can cuddle himself into his body and never let go.

After what they've been through, he figures he won't have to.

 

* * *

 

Stiles wakes up to a sleeping Derek in an artful position. The sheets are wrapped around his body so delicately that he does look like a masterpiece. Though Stiles feels the urge to get up and shower, he doesn't think he can leave this view. He does eventually because there are more important things to handle.

He showers and dresses in some spare clothes of Derek before heading to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. He walks around the house a little and notes the added shoes and jackets in the hallway. He figures Cora and Isaac came home at some point last night, not that Stiles was paying attention. He had a lot of other things to attend to.

After the coffee's made and he pours himself a mug, he heads outside to the porch because the swing looked cozy even in the darkness of the night before. He swings lazily as the morning drifts on and the sun starts to rise above the trees. He likes the domesticity of being back home. He could really see himself and Derek living here. Maybe not yet, but eventually to settle down.

"I woke up and you were missing," Derek huffs next to him. Stiles hadn't even realized he was awake and had come outside.

"You looked so peaceful. I didn't want to wake you," Stiles mumbles into his coffee cup.

"Thought you got overwhelmed and ran away," Derek admits, taking the open seat next to him. He steals the mug from Stiles' hands and plants a chaste kiss to his temple before taking a sip.

"I'm not overwhelmed. It just happened at a time where I have a lot on my mind. I want to go to the hospital and see my dad," Stiles shrugs.

"I figured," Derek nods.

He's still sleep ruffled. His eyes are lidded through the conversation. He threw on a pair of sweatpants and that adorable sweater with the thumb holes before coming outside. His hair is sexed out from the previous night but also flattened from sleep. He looks beautiful despite the early morning awakening.

"I wanted to talk to you about sticking around for a little while too," Stiles says, eyeing Derek to see if he has an immediate opinion. "Allison's going to have the baby soon. I want to be here for it and for my dad, till he gets out of the hospital."

"Sounds like a good idea. I'm sure I can get some time off work," Derek nods.

"I know you must love it here," Stiles says suddenly, taking Derek's hand and stroking it with his thumb, "But I want to go back to the city. I like this house, hell I could learn to love it, but I'm not ready to settle down and start a family just yet."

"Our life is in New York, Stiles," Derek agrees, "For now."

Stiles loves how easily they agree with each other. So they take it from there. Allison has the baby a few weeks later and it's a girl. They name her Laura just like they said they would. Scott looks like the proudest dad and little baby could ever have.

Stiles and Derek visit every chance they can. Derek is already wrapped around the little cub's fingers. They aren't sure if she's a werewolf yet because Scott wasn't naturally born that way but they wouldn't mind if she was.

The rest of the pack comes by eventually too. It's been so long since Stiles has seen them and interacted with them. Despite the fact that he's no longer a member, they greet him like he is. He feels at home again. They touch him and scent him like nothing ever changed. Stiles misses it.

Which is how Derek convinces him to join the pack again. Even though they're thousands of miles away, it still works. They keep in touch. He finally has friends again that he can talk to about anything. It's not just Scott and Lydia anymore. He's found the place that he left behind.

His dad heals up nicely and as soon as he's back at home under Melissa's care, Derek and Stiles head back home. Their lives go back to normal, or rather, semi-normal. They have a pack of werewolves calling them every chance they get to hear their opinions on just about everything.

Time passes in a blur and before they know it, a year of their relationship has gone by. He was with Sarah for a while. Longer than this. That should have felt like an achievement. But this, his one year anniversary with Derek Hale, is better than that. It always would be.

More time goes by and people are getting married and having kids. Cora and Isaac got married a few months back. Lydia and that cute cop, Jordan, she met are still dating. Allison and Scott are getting used to being parents. Danny and Ethan are engaged. Aiden is adopting a kid on his own, which, woah didn't see that coming. Malia and Kira are even still together. And Scott's adding people to the pack.

There comes a time when a few months have passed since their one year anniversary, Derek starts acting sketchy. He's out late and gone early in the mornings. Stiles doesn't think he's cheating because Derek would never do that but it starts to worry him.

One day, when they're off work, they walk through Central Park. It's something they've liked doing since they got together because they can hold hands and keep each other company. Stiles likes it because of the street venders.

He's currently munching on a pretzel Derek bought him and talking about his next article in the newspaper. Derek looks at him with a small reserved smile and hooded eyes. Stiles knows that look from experience. He knows he looks at Derek that way. It's because he loves him.

"Marry me," Derek says gently.

Stiles almost chokes on his pretzel.

"No," He says at first. "Wait, what? No. You're crazy."

"Stiles, I'm serious," He says.

He is serious because the next second, Derek is pulling out a black velvet box and popping it open to reveal the silver band.

"Holy shit, you _are_ serious," Stiles gasps. He drops his pretzel as Derek gets on one knee.

"Stiles, you are incredibly spastic and you talk to much and your sarcasm can be irritating at times, but I love you. I have loved you since you were still in high school and that love has never gone away," He says. "So, Genim Stilinski, will you please marry me?"

Stiles can't breathe. Because first of all, Derek's proposing. And second of all, he knows his real name. How the hell?

"I-uh," He should say yes. This shouldn't be hard.

"Stiles-" He huffs. There's a crowd gathering around them. He can't disappoint them. That's too much pressure.

"Yeah," He blinks rapidly. "You're fucking insane. But yes. I'll marry you."

Derek's mouth opens to the biggest smile Stiles has ever seen him make. He leaps up from his knee and wraps his arms around Stiles and just lays one on him. It's sloppy because after the initial shock, Stiles is smiling too and their teeth clack awkwardly together.

"I love you," Derek says just for him to hear and Stiles can't do anything but repeat it over and over again.

But the crowd around them cheers and Derek slips on the ring and everything is as it should be.

And years down the road when they are living in the Hale house, happily married, and have kids of their own, Stiles starts to feel grateful about the time it took for them to get together, because at least they found their way back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This became a lot longer than I was planning for it to be. This is my second Sterek fic on ao3 and I'm really proud of it. Hope you all enjoy and I can't wait to hear your feedback! Sorry for any mistakes I missed.
> 
> Title is based on the song Find My Way Back by Eric Arjes.


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